Fifty Reasons to Abandon Pine


1. Pine hates you and everything you stand for.
2. It never helps take out the trash.
3. That pine smell reminds you of cleaning.
4. Those stupid home improvement shows love it.
5. It’s not wicker.
6. Pine is lazy.
7. The Fascists used pine. Do you want to be a fascist?
8. The pine industry supports corrupt politicians in Katharinetowne, WD.
9. Good backpacks cannot be made from pine.
10. Your parents’ marriage broke up because of it.
11. Try exchanging pine for goods and services. Just try it.
12. It destabilizes the trade balance between Togo and Colombia, leading to a prolonged, trans-oceanic conflict scarring that pristine continent of Africa.
13. The lower specific heat of pine results in more fires.
14. You don’t see the Chinese using pine.
15. Pine endorsed Dewey for President of the United States of America
16. Merv Griffin enterprises has never used pine.
17. It makes for a disappointing conversational partner.
18. Heroin addicts.
19. Face it, you just hate pine.
20. Has a lot of net carbs.
21. Lots of people were lynched on pine trees.
22. Pine never brings beer when it visits.
23. It tastes like dead babies.
24. Pine suppressed the success of The Last Starfighter.
25. You can thank pine for women’s lib.
26. Never was any good at playing second base. Never.
27. Remember the Vietnam War?
28. Pine sap doesn’t cure cancer.
29. Pine needles can only be woven into substandard baskets.
30. Pine trees make fun of your dead mother.
31. Pine has yet to produce a single pop-punk album.
32. GI Joe never needed pine to defeat the forces of Cobra.
33. Meg Ryan has often spoken out against pine trees.
34. Wood from pine is much heavier than balsa.
35. In no way will pine ever help you win at the game of Clue.
36. Germs destroyed the Martians and their tripods; pine never did a damn thing.
37. Pine is never mentioned in the Odyssey.
38. Though they are roughly the same shape, pinecones are not as useful as grenades.
39. The Beejees liked everything about pine.
40. Walt Dinsey never created a movie with anthropomorphic pine trees.
41. Pine makes your stomach flabby.
42. Pine isn’t anywhere as interesting as hot goth chicks.
43. When Drew Barrymore was seven years old, it was a pine tree that first offered her cocaine.
44. There has yet to be a single good ska song written about pine.
45. A pine tree once murdered a guy.
46. Pine ditched its girlfriend at prom.
47. A pine tree framed Rodger Rabbit.
48. Vikings hated pine.
49. Pine trees don’t have arms, so they can’t even wear vests.
50. Every time I’m hit in the face with a board, it’s always a pine board.


  • Lord Rama
    November 26, 2006 - 12:50 pm | Permalink

    I agree, pine should be banned in all states except Florida.

  • November 26, 2006 - 1:01 pm | Permalink

    Pine doesn’t even grow that well in most of Florida.

  • March 8, 2007 - 1:22 pm | Permalink

    Osama Bin Laden learned everything he knows from a Pine tree, as did most evil villans.

  • March 8, 2007 - 7:54 pm | Permalink

    Little known fact: Hernando de Soto was also taught by a pine tree.

  • Eddy
    May 7, 2007 - 8:51 pm | Permalink

    Pine is always offering to do things for you as a favor. You’d really rather pay somebody to do them but you don’t want to offend pine so you say “OK” & then of course pine fucks things up and you have to pay somebody to do it in anyway, plus extra to fix up the mess.

  • Kreischsaege
    June 13, 2007 - 5:40 am | Permalink

    Pine is an anagram for “Pein”, which is the german word for pain and torment.

    Do i need to say more?

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