Ask Montezuma: January 2006

Advice for Someone

Montezuma II
Montezuma is former Emperor of the Aztecs. He holds the World’s Record in AutoCAD Design.

Dear Montezuma,
My whole family is giving me hell because I don’t want to go to my sister’s wedding. They continually accuse me of being selfish. They don’t realize that I think weddings, marriage, and the very ideas thereof are stupid. They don’t realize that to me weddings are actually something I find disgraceful and defeatist. How can I make them understand that I think weddings are horrid without alienating them?
Queens, NY

Dear Scott,
You must, at once, realize that a marriage is not about you. Specifically, you are not what the marriage is about. Furthermore, your being is irrelevant to the connubial joining of a related person and an unrelated person. Additionally, the center of this public ceremony does not reside within coördinates approximating your location in spacetime. (Montezuma’s note: remind word processing manufacturers to include spacetime in their spellcheck tools. They are geeks, after all. (Montezuma’s further note: spellcheck is a common neologistic endocentric compound noun which should also be included in such word processing dictionaries automatically.)) Marriages are entirely about caloric intake at the afterfollowing secular receptionary service. As an evolutionary adaptation, the lifetime bonding of male and female organisms created an opportunity for the community of individuals to come together and share nutritional intake in an effort to increase the wellbeing of the whole. More food meant stronger individuals better able to protect progeny and possessions which in turn lead to greater gain for everyone. With the recent demise of evolution, such pressures are irrelevant. The aftereffects of such conditioning still exist and can be taken advantage of easily. This is the literal free lunch. Also, it is likely that your personal procreative pressures are still present. The same pressures exist in the other males and females present at the receptional activities. One may increase one’s happiness through conjugal variation following the consumption of calories and alcohol-based beverages. Being in situ during such activities gives one the standing to later speak out authoritatively and reasonably on the results of such bonding. As, traditionally, such bonding takes place not only between the individuals being joined, but the community, you will have entered into the contract fully yourself and will have lost no standing in the eyes of the community to speak on any developments which may arise. While one may certainly not care about the opinion of others, leaving them no room to complain makes it selfishly easier to complain one’s self in the long run.


You Must Help Me! Recently, I put a pitcher of tea in the fridge for a few hours. When I tasted it again, I swear it tasted of apricots. Literally, it tasted of apricots. That makes no sense. Why would old tea taste like dried apricots? Please help me.
Lucy Sawyer
Utica Flats, Ponderada

Finally, a correspondent in Ponderada again! Lucy, you are the fifteenth person to communicate such an occurrence to me in as many months. It took quite a lot of fact checking and the staff here (recently lowered in number by the current outbreak of vegetarian flu) have worked very hard collating all the relevant materials. We took a scientific approach and so went out immediately to destroy a common freezing unit. No one smelled any apricots and so we decided to try another common freezing unit. After over a dozen tries, the local authorities became concerned and we were forced to leave the SvenCo home appliance department. Alfredo Ramon, head researcher, stumbled over the brilliant idea of a side-by-side comparison blindfold test. We set up the test in a nearby strip mall. 45 pitchers made from various materials were paired with 45 dried apricots. A canopy was placed over the whole assemblage to disguise the constituent parts of the test. Each pitcher and each apricot were provided with a tube connected to a funnel with a strap to be attached to the test subjects’ faces. A second table/canopy combination was set up nearby with nothing on the table as a control group. Subjects were then tested. 98% of the subjects detected a difference between the smell of empty pitchers and the smell of dried apricots. Only 75% of respondents at the empty table detected a difference between nothing and nothing. The test was repeated with full pitchers of tea. 99% of the subjects detected a difference in smell, while 75% of the control group detected such differences. Finally we requested purchase receipts for the last year from each letter writer claiming this dried apricot smell. It was discovered that you, along with everyone else who detected this smell had purchased a Celestial Seasonings’ brand of apricot flavoured tea. We have, however, discovered something of the smell of empty space.

Dear Montezuma,
In a few hours, this girl Allison will be coming over to my apartment to hang out. The only problem is that Allison is greatly attracted to me and yet I am not attracted to Allison. While she would love nothing more than to bed me down for a night of hot, sticky love, I wish for nothing more than her casual friendship. What should I do about this situation? Please respond quickly, she will be coming over in the next couple of hours.
Lance Harmschrtronge
Pinupe, Mondavia

Dearest Lancy,
Goodnight kisses should really be avoided on a first date. Hugs are also probably a no-no. After all, you don’t want to put out for the woman right away or she might leave. Should the night go well, you should acknowledge this with a small mating display of muted dancing steps and a display of your tail feathers. If you want to set up a second visit, I might suggest using the postal service. This rapid government communications medium is excellent and quite personal. When you see her in the future, make sure to remind her of your excellent mating dance and glorious plumage. Dating doesn’t need to be a sickness; it needs to be a congenital defect.

Dear Montezuma,
Currently my frat bros and I are involved in a contest to see who can swallow the most goldfish lol. It’s crazy, dude, but I think Trip Dog might win, he swallowed 37 all the way. Kappa! Hell yeah! Do you think they will find new flavors of quark in the near future without the use of the cancelled supercollider? What’s the deal with sparticles? Kappa rules!
Trey Dog.
University of Georgia, Athens.

Trey Dog, Trip Dog, et. al.,
For the fifth time: the deal with sparticles is that they DO NOT EXIST. They are a SILLY construct spilling out of the OBTUSE minds of SWEDISH physicists in an attempt to grasp some sort of relevance. An accomplished physicist myself, I’ve taken a discerning look at the mathematics involved in supersymmetry and it is complete BALDERDASH. Here’s an idea: tiny extra-spatial GNOMES exploded into this Universe during the Planck Era and created immense DRAGONS of science! Jesus CERN, get a fucking clue.

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A Point-Counterpoint Discussion

Arguin Sluts

Pro Sluts:
Jules Strickland is a professor of Geo-Politics who has recently authored the award winning book Loose Women and Battery Farms: The Impact of Human Sexuality on American Agribusiness.

From billionaire heiress Dakota Bester to that girl at the bar last night, everyone loves a good slut. Sluts are a vital natural resource in this age of growing plight. From a psychological perspective, sluts are incredibly useful. For instance, even though a man knows a girl is a slut he will still enjoy having sexual relations with her. Though she is a loose woman who will sleep with anyone with a pulse, the slut provides a useful psychological tool for helping men, and even women, deal with their own problems and the problems of society. A man can read the paper and hear about war and terror and death, he can look at his own life and worry about his social status, his bills, his job or even his personal appearance and grooming, but all that fear and doubt about life and the world is washed away in the brief act of sex with a slut. Sluts make us feel good. Even though they only make us feel good for one day or so, sluts allow us to take a vacation from the problems of life; a sex vacation. Take a look at the recent popularity of Dakota Bester. This girl has no talent, no useful skills. She is a leech on her father and on society as a whole. She has only rudimentary intelligence and she’s only slightly attractive. And yet people love to watch her, love to vicariously take part in her adventures. Why is this? The answer is simple: Dakota Bester’s presence in the media reminds us that there are sluts in this world and reminds us that no-strings-attached sex is just a few tequila shots away. Sluts keep us happy and they keep society well balanced. In a word, sluts make the world a better place using only their well-lubricated genitals. Everyone loves sluts.

Samuel Radget, bataillian economist, founded and is a weekly editorial contributor to Accursed Share Weekly and originated the Reflective Left Foot model of surplus arts and crafts production.

The slut is the same socio-economic symptom as the nouveaux riches. Like those inheritors of wealth they did not earn, sluts spend sexual capital inherited from their forebears without reinvestment or further production of sensual wealth. At once sluts are the feminine analog of junk bonds and the physical coëqual of Chinese intellectual property thieves. While the true woman uses her superiority to continuously build the social bridge into the coming times, the slut steals this capacity, creating a situation not unlike some cheaply mass-produced Fiat or Yugo subcompact car. The momentary wealth of sexual congress is wasted in a frenzy. Whereas the true woman adds value to the market, the slut is only an illegally produced DVD awaiting you on the sidewalk, wrapped in poorly-printed coverings and hocked by Latin American immigrants. The slut does not engage in free trade, per se, but rather epitomizes a highly-leveraged tariff and subsidy system which eventually devalues the common vaginal market. The slut is a non-sustainable commodity amongst a spectrum of viable alternative sources. With the slut comes genital stagflation. With the slut comes decreased consumer confidence. Embrace the slut and you embrace at once Trotskyite thought and rigid dictatorship.
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What I Learned in Kindergarten

And What I Didn’t

The Morning After

There’s a somewhat popular poster than heralds “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Like all other mass-produced greeting-card-wisdom, that poster is full of enough bullshit to fertilize eight square miles of alfalfa fields.

You know what I learned in kindergarten? I learned fuck all. It was a complete waste of my time. For instance, in kindergarten I learned that there are twelve months in a year, I learned their names and I learned the seven days of the week. Neat, couldn’t have figured that out on my own, especially not with the free calendar I got at the supermarket. In kindergarten they also told me that grapes were purple, despite the fact that all the grapes I had ever seen were green, and they taught me that apples were red, despite the fact that my favorite apples were all green. I also learned that ‘a robot’ is not the appropriate response to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

We also took the time to learn shapes. Now maybe this is important if you grow up to become an architect, but honestly, I could probably get through my whole life just fine if I had no idea what a circle or a triangle were called. Seriously, how often do triangles come up in your life? Really, even if it did become necessary at some point, you could look it up if you really had to know what to call a three sided figure.

In kindergarten I also learned to color. This is a really mindless activity. Some company has already produced a drawing and all I can do is add some color with my crayons. Not even oil pastels, crayons, just plain crayons. And what’s with this coloring nonsense anyway? It takes two or more people to be creative and make a picture? That’s not just bullshit, that’s called Communist indoctrination. “You’re not good enough!” these pictures screamed back at me “only collectively can we succeed.” Thank you Skyland Elementary of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, or should I just go ahead and call you Comrade Stalin?

Filipino Monkey Jetpack

Of course there are many things that I’ve wished I could’ve learned in kindergarten, but apparently there wasn’t time, what with all that important information to get across in just one year, such as “B” is for ball. Here’s what I should have been taught in kindergarten.

You know when you wake up in a strange woman’s bed after a night of drunken debauchery and all you want to do is leave, but you can’t because she’s still asleep, and if you leave while she’s still asleep you’ll feel kind of weird?

You know that situation; where you’re in a stranger’s house, sober now, and naked, in front of someone you don’t actually know, because you can’t find your underwear. Couldn’t I have been taught the best way to deal with this situation? Couldn’t this have been included in the kindergarten curriculum?

It’s similar, but different. When your co-worker is cheating on her boyfriend with you, but then you issue an ultimatum telling her that she has to choose between her boyfriend and you and she chooses her boyfriend but then he dumps her a couple days later and she blames you for wrecking her relationship and work gets really weird and uncomfortable? What are you supposed to do in that situation? Couldn’t that have been brought up somewhere between naptime and the Hokey Pokey?

Or like the time when you see a guy get gunned down in the street and you have to sit and watch him die in the street while you wait for the police to get your statement and then you go to the police station and they have you take a seat while they wait to record your testimony and then they sit the murderer right across the table from you while they’re processing his booking. Isn’t that awkward? I still have no idea of how to behave in that situation, but I do know how to stack blocks. Isn’t that useful?

See, kindergarten has failed me, and it’s probably failed you too. It didn’t prepare us for life, hell it barely prepared us for first grade. We should all find our kindergarten teachers and collectively smack them around for half an hour. After all, they wasted a year of our lives. Sure, I can paste construction paper, but what am I supposed to do when I see my dad crying? Humph. Kindergarten, what a gyp.