Classified Ads: January 2006

WANTED
Hibernian buffalo of undetermined gender with brown fur and sunny disposition. Must enjoy tin cans and axle grease on Sundays and be able to calculate the angular momentum of Mars-sized bodies throughout the Solar System. Call Terry: 223-8407

FOR RENT
Half a high hat cymbal. No refunds, no warranty. Reginald box 573874

WANTED
50 kazoos for marching band. Must own own kazoo. No kazoo will be provided!
Wilma Selmerensonson 432 Pattern Blvd. West Moronia, CT 09323

FOR SALE
Half-rotten Dutch settler. Comes with own fungus and shovel. No cufflinks, only one testicle. Please provide evidence of good home and proper storage facility to Sandy Parkinson, age 47, Lookumpin, PT

FOR SALE
Remember New Orleans? I don’t much either. That’s why I’ve created this origami version of the fabled jazz city. Resembles Chicago more than The Big Easy, but only to trained eye. $40 or best offer. Barry Nagin 2 W. 2nd St. Twosville, NH

WANTED
An amen. Can I get an amen? tperkins@gwvgh.net

FOR SALE
Photographic scrap book kept during my years as a merchant marine and as a call-boy in Thailand. Many many wonderful photographs and mementoes if you’re into the idea of reminiscing about other people’s lives. I’m not. Call Stan Argonaut at 282-292-4774.

FOR SALE
Many different types of racecar themed tuxedoes. From simple tuxes covered in pictures of racecars to tuxes that smell like a racecars we totally have everything! Come on down to Lucky’s Tux Basement. My Parent’s Basement, Cleverdale, MI.

FOR SALE
Several oil paintings depicting tragic Alabama grease fires (1908-1943). Call Lou the Albino and he’ll fax you over the specs.

FOR SALE
One bucket of volcanic lava. The bucket is not included. Call City of LaGrange, UT. BOX 24.

FOR LEASE
Sixteen hundred bedroom apartment. Bedrooms have no doors and are inaccessible. Be a part of this unique real estate opportunity. Robot Realty, San Angelus, Kentucky. www.robotrealty.com

WANTED
A Cantaloupe. They are neat. Sure are. Amelia Howard, 810-828-9999.

FOR SALE
My bicycle. If you’re the person who stole it from the park last week then I’ll gladly sell it to you so your ownership can be nice and legal. Why just keep it when you can send me a check and be on the level? Kelly, BOX 232

WANTED
Glass House. Needed for metaphor on societal interactions and voyeurism. Call me now, I have only twenty minutes to live!!! Milton III of Silesia.

FOR SALE
345,000 metric tons of salsa flavored bubble gum. Free #2 pencil included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1

WANTED
Donkey Bingo! Everyone loves Donkey Bingo! Will pay several top dollars. Artichoke Smith, BOX 671719-AA

WANTED
Walter Mathau to be my special “Breakfast Buddy.” Oh Boy! Pancakes, sausage, eggs and a whole lot of fun included. Please call if you’re interested. Scott, BOX 1.

SEEKING
Warm-blooded, heterotrophic angiosperm with phalanges and at least 26 stamens. Must have plaster. No more than 12% AZ-Pryoginous gene-12. Must have own can opener. Real canopener. Larry, #7 Dorimer Ln.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>