From a Teddy-Styled Bear.
An Editorial
Reply
Category Archives: Stuff & Things
Buckets
This essay contains information on buckets. It does not contain information on non-bucket items.
An Essay on Buckets
by Company’s Sergeant Major (CSM)
Nigel Rivvens Surrey Stonehouse.
(4th Battalion, Durham Light Infantry)
Buckets are hollow containers distinguished from bins by their cylindrical shape. Bins, generally, are square or cubical. Pots, while cylindrical, have a side-mounted singular projecting prop handle while a bucket is usually noted by its double mounted 180 arc wire frame handle. Buckets may be constructed from any number of materials including, but not limited to, wood, plastic, metal or porcelain. They may or may not have a pouring lip perforation in the rim, located perpendicular to the handle mountings.
There may be containers, similar in design to what we have above described as buckets, but with surfaces punctuated by varied perforations. These are not buckets, but rather are strainers, for the primary function of a bucket is to contain water or another liquid. Thus may a bucket aid in the transport of liquids. Due to the non-solid surface, a strainer would be ineffective in holding or transporting fluids as the fluid would have a tendency to drain fromthe holes and fall toward the ground. A bucket, with its constant surface, avoids this problem.
Buckets are used by all manner of gentlemen, for instance, those who work for the Fire Department. Their vocational duties are so entwined with buckets that these firefellows are sometimes called a “Bucket Brigade.” Nomads of Arabia use wooden buckets to draw up life-giving water from isolated desert oases. Custodians of many buildings and structures the world over use buckets to hold their frothy, soap-strewn waters. Buckets are cool.
Vol. 456-BR6 Issue 18
Issue 18 featurs such exciting things as buckets, teddy bears, cooking recipes, and even helpful hints for protesters.
A Message from the Publisher
Dear Reader,
Here at the Royal Tractor Repair and Maintenance Society of Outer Mongolia, we have always striven to bring you the very best in tractor repair and maintenance related information. I’m sure you are well aware of this, of course.
This issue, however, is of utmost import; for you see, gentle reader, this is our centennial issue. This journal was begun in the year 1903, back in the time when life was simple and folks were God-fearing and dared not speak of things unspeakable.
A lot has changed in the past one hundred years. Mankind has conquered the air, set food upon the surface of the Moon, invented Silly Putty™ and calculated pi (π) to the quadrillionth decimal. Yet despite these changes we still remain, irrevocably, human. We still fear clowns and spiders, still get hit in the head when we step upon the non-manipulatory section of a rake, and still harbor a deep hatred of brown-skinned peoples.
So, my dear readers, when you partake of this particular issue remember, if you will, that in the past century we have learned much, forgotten more and have had a few things just on the tip of our collective tongues. May God bless and may the next five scores provide as much excitement, terror and joy as the past ten decades have.
Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge
Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm
Part I: A Game Concerning Word Placement
Have a companion, who does have visual access to the following piece, to fill in the missing words. The results shall be of an uproarious nature.
One __________(unit of chronological measurement), I was __________ (gerund) down the street when a _________ (member of a species of genus Heterojapyx) jumped up on my neck and started gnawing into my ____________(artery of the upper spinopulmonary system). _____________(Iroquois expletive), I screamed at a decibel level of __________(number ≥ √-234.124 ), as I ran to the docks and jumped on the _____________(name of submarine of the Russian Akula Class). It was there that I ran into ________________(name of a 15th Century Flemish Noble), who showed me around. He showed me the______________(type of radiocarbon dating equipment), the ______________(type of boat used in the harbor of Cartagena, Colombia), and the______________(branch of the Interstate Commerce Commission). Then we hopped out and went to____________(Name of a Trans-Neptunian Object).
Part II: A Picture of Dave
Here is a picture of Dave. Using hand-held shears, separate this photographical image of Dave from the remainder of the magazine. Then, with an adhesive of some sort, you can place this picture of Dave somewhere within the confines of your domicile. Each day, you may gaze upon your photographical image of Dave while simultaneously providing an aesthetic accoutrement to your abode.
Pearls of Wisdom
Pearls of Wisdom
from the Reverend Wolfpatty
The Reverend Johnathan Wolfpatty delivers rousing sermons on the nature of fire and brimstone each Sunday at the lovely First Church of Christ’s Gaping Bloody Wounds in downtown Stovepipe, New Higland, USA.
THE PANTS OF GOD
Not long ago, I found myself at the drugstore, when, as should happen, I stumbled into the women’s personal hygiene section and noticed a particular item, which, had until then escaped my notice.
The item in question is a product known as a “panty liner,” or sanitary napkin. Now apparently, during specific time periods of the lunar cycle, the mucus and blood lining of a woman’s uterus is flushed from the body in a process known as the “menses.” This biological waste material is expunged from the woman’s vagina, where, when a sanitary napkin is not properly employed, it stains the woman’s undergarments. If it is a particularly heavy flow, it may in fact stain her outer garments as well. This is an unfortunate circumstance.
Now, this is a lot like God and how God protects us from sin. You see, sin is like this menstrual blood, it stains us with its presence. But God’s grace is a sanitary napkin, a panty liner for our soul. So, my fellow God-fearing Christians, I implore you, to each day, put on your holy pad, and protect yourself from the frothy crimson flow of sin. When God is your panty liner, your pants stay clean, and your soul will be white as a Cracker’s skin. Praise Jesus, and read your Bible every day. Thank you.
