Tag Archives: reverend

Pearls of Wisdom

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From the Reverend Wolfpatty

Reverend Wolfpatty

“toH qo’ muSHa’pu’qu’mo’ JoH’a’, wa’ puqloDDaj nobpu’ ghaH ‘ej ghaHbaq Harchugh vay’, vaj not Hegh ghaH, ‘ach yIn jub ghajbeH ghaH.” John 3:16, from the Klingon Language Institute’s translation of The Bible.

Now, we’ve all come to accept that the Holy Scripture is the Word of God, that is to say that the authors of The Bible were divinely inspired by God and given the power of the Holy Spirit which enabled them to transcend human fallibility in order to create a Good Book that was, and remains today, the perfect, infallible, testament of God to humanity.

It’s reasonable to assume that God didn’t only intend his Holy Word to be infallible and correct in the ancient Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic. In order to protect the one true Gospel, God would have worked to inspire the translators; those people like Wycliffe and Tyndale who worked to create the vernacular translations that would bring God’s power to people that backwards Alcuin’s Vulgate could never get within a mile of.

So then a question arises; when does God reach out and divinely inspire translators and when does God not really give a good gosh-darn? The translation of the Holy Scripture into the fictional Star Trek Klingon language poses an interesting question; would God divinely inspire the translators of a non-spoken language so that their version of The Bible could be infallible?

Klingon Jesus

Is it worth God’s time to worry about Klingon Bibles when everyone who speaks Klingon already has an available Bible printed in their native language? Surely God has better things to do; saving children from drowning, curing cancer, helping winning Super Bowl teams, stopping war for starters. But, I suppose the question could be phrased as; if it brings one Trekkie to Salvation is the Klingon Bible worth it?

I would have to answer yes. Star Trek presents a future devoid of religion and God. Unlike Babylon 5, with its many Christian, Jewish and Foundationist characters, all the characters in Star Trek are atheists. We never see Data go to Church, nor do we see Kirk or Spock partake of the Sacraments. Perhaps Trekkies think this atheism is normal. Maybe the Klingon Bible will help them come to Christ. For their sake, I hope it saves them from eternal hellfire.

To them I would quote Mark 2:17:
“QoyDI’ yeSuS, chaHvaD jatlh: pIvwI’vaD ‘utbe’ Qel. ‘ach ropwI’vaD ‘ut. mutlha’meH quvwI’pu’ vIra’meH jIghoSta’be’. ‘ach yemwI’pu’ vIra’meH jIghoSta’.”

Pearls of Wisdom

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From the Reverend Wolfpatty

Adam & Eve Discovered: Evidence for Both Creations Found!!!

Reverend Wolfpatty

Rev. Wolfpatty is the new Kings County Parson Extraordinary. He is a noted prestidigitator able to steal back captured souls from under Satan’s nose.

My friends, I come here today to spread good news! Digging is a most holy vocation and surely the blessings of the Lord are upon the diggers of the world today. Why, the Holy Spirit itself is like unto the shovel of the lord, piercing the filth and muck to reveal all which is great in Creation.

I read about a group of diggers in the great and arid land of Turkey yesterday and with you I must share word of what they uncovered. For, you see, they have found none other than the original sinners: wise Adam and his helpmate Eve.

They found their bodies. Yes, dear parishioners, this news is indeed a rubber ball gag shoved roughly in the mouths of skeptics, doubters and evil. No longer will they laugh and prance about. Oh no.

For I’ve seen the pictures and examined the evidence. On the left they found the skeleton of a human male! Even more, the text under the picture said the body was “from approximately 4000 BC.” And praise be, that most holy of relics was missing a rib! One single rib was just gone!

What of the female? Why, she was right next to him. A human rib, plain as day. Sitting right on the ground next to Adam was a single rib. What could that single rib be but the Biblical Eve?

As you’ll recall from memory, Genesis 2:21-23

21 So the LORD God caused a deep
sleep to fall upon the man, and he
slept; then he took one of his ribs
and closed up its place with flesh.

22 And the rib that the LORD God
had taken from the man he made
into a woman and brought her to
the man.

23 Then the man said, “This at last
is bone of my bones and flesh of
my flesh;this one shall be called
Woman, for out of Man this one
was taken.”

Isn’t it a great day to go forth and spread the message of the Lord? For in spreading as the ants, or the lemmings, or the algal bloom we bring the light of the Word to the dark, creepy, stank and rancid crevices of the world. Free Hydrox cookies and storebrand Dr. Pepper, called “Dr. Soda” will be served in the assembly hall from 9:00 to 9:35 on Sunday.

Pearls of Wisdom

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Pearls of Wisdom
from the Reverend Wolfpatty

The Reverend Johnathan Wolfpatty delivers rousing sermons on the nature of fire and brimstone each Sunday at the lovely First Church of Christ’s Gaping Bloody Wounds in downtown Stovepipe, New Higland, USA.

THE PANTS OF GOD

Not long ago, I found myself at the drugstore, when, as should happen, I stumbled into the women’s personal hygiene section and noticed a particular item, which, had until then escaped my notice.

The item in question is a product known as a “panty liner,” or sanitary napkin. Now apparently, during specific time periods of the lunar cycle, the mucus and blood lining of a woman’s uterus is flushed from the body in a process known as the “menses.” This biological waste material is expunged from the woman’s vagina, where, when a sanitary napkin is not properly employed, it stains the woman’s undergarments. If it is a particularly heavy flow, it may in fact stain her outer garments as well. This is an unfortunate circumstance.

Now, this is a lot like God and how God protects us from sin. You see, sin is like this menstrual blood, it stains us with its presence. But God’s grace is a sanitary napkin, a panty liner for our soul. So, my fellow God-fearing Christians, I implore you, to each day, put on your holy pad, and protect yourself from the frothy crimson flow of sin. When God is your panty liner, your pants stay clean, and your soul will be white as a Cracker’s skin. Praise Jesus, and read your Bible every day. Thank you.