Category Archives: Stuff & Things

We’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms.

A Specialized Editorial by an Automatonal Conquistador

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BY CENTURION; A CYLON

a cylon
This particular Centurion Cylon is very interested in 20th Century American politics.

I thought that I would make this about congress. old people always yell about how congress is bad, we have elections every year, so you can see how this affects our daily lives. I decided not to even mention that congress is not real because everone already knows that. Congressmen are fake just like elves, vumpires, and dinosaurs. But if you could be in Congress here are some of the perks.

First of all you get to PHILIBUSTER. For those who are stupid philibustering is when a senator will get up and talk for hours to keep a bill from getting voted on. The record is held by Strom Thurman for 24 hours. Now I do give this guy credit simce he is 645 years old, but all you could do was 24 hours?!

Let me in the senate. With coffee I could stay up forever. I could think of at least a year’s worth of stuff to talk about. And if you get stumped or out of ideas just say one word for a few days. Think about it, “No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No” for 72 hours. Bring on the No-Doze.

Second you get bribes. Lobyists pay you to vote a certain way. Money. Just get the maximum five thousand for the Row vs Wade bill and every other bill that’s voted on. Think about it you get five grand for voting yes on the dog leash laws in Hicktown, Idaho. If congress votes on a thousand laws a term thats 5,000,000 in your pocket. Totaly free. congress is cool!

Save 'n' Such

Greedo

Serious Putty

Volume 456-BR6 Issue 21

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C2

Doctor Morbius

Hello good readers,

This month, we the writers, publishers and editors of this fine periodical have decided that, while we have had much success in the past, the time has come to move forward into a bigger and better world

Therefore, for this edition, we have elicited the help of our good friend and colleague Doctor Edward Morbius in our continued effort to improve our lovely trade publication. With his guidance, we were introduced to the wonders of Krell brain enhancing machinery

Though this enhancement produced an invisible energy id beast that wrecked a great portion of our staff offices, we hope you enjoy this edition, made better through the utilization of the technology of ancient dead races.

A Special Editorial on the Subject of Those Things Which Are Known as Weights for Papers

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FROM THE DESK OF DAVE BASKERVILLE
Dave

I want to paste old macaroni to construction paper and create a useless piece of crap and call it art. If no one will buy it and the critics crucify me, then I’ll call it a paperweight, which is basically a useless piece of crap, purchased as a gift for those who we assume have problems with open windows, or rather the drafts of wind which blow through them, blowing away important papers. Continue reading →

Volume 456-BR6 Issue 20

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cover 4

Hello boys and girls, I am Supreme Allied Commander General Dwight David Eisenhower, but my friends call me “Ike.” For many years I have been a devoted reader of this fine magazine. Why, heck, during the planning stages of Operation Neptune, the Allied invasion of Normandy, I spent many a quiet evening delighting in the quality tractor repair and maintenance information contained in the pages of Axes & Alleys. Continue reading →

Vol. 456-BR6 Issue 19

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Featuring the Illuminati, Serialized Moon Fiction, Biology, and the Latest News from Norway!

A VERY SPECIAL END-OF-THE-WORLD ISSUE

We here at Axes and Alleys must report the latest very unfortunate news. It seems as though this world we have come to love and dwell upon is coming to an end next Tuesday. Therefore, we must apologize as this will be our final issue.

This was first brought to our attention when Dr. Sigmund G. Folive, our resident Egyptologist, turned in his latest report on the precise scientific measurement of the Great Pyramid of Cheops in Egypt.

It seems that when one multiplies the height of the Pyramid (481 ft.) by the measurements of the bases (4 x 775.75) and then multiplies that number by the degree of inclination (51?) and then divides the total by the number of blocks used in the construction (2,300,000); and when this sum is multiplied by the number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy (605,166,825.22) you get the number 20,031,021,915 which corresponds to the date October 21st, 2003 at 9:15. Archaeologists are not sure, however, as to whether this indicates an evening or morning apocalypse.

They are certain, though, that this is correct as they have found hieroglyphs which state that the Pyramid was built specifically for the purpose of determining the end of the year by using the Neo-Gregorian calendar and modern Imperial units of measurement. So, readers, enjoy this last issue and have a nice Doomsday.