Category Archives: How to Do It

Some Simple Steps

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You Can Take to Ensure That People Will Leave You Alone

avoidy

  • Wear hats, excessively, ten or more at a time. Strap extra hats to your elbows for emergencies.
  • Use a cell phone in public, hold long, detailed personal conversations about your various sexual deviancies, and talk only in Sign Language.
  • Wear one outfit, ever. Never wash it, never change it, and make it entirely out of teddy bears.
  • Invent your own gender, not a simple combination of the of the existing two. Invent your own social customs, clothing styles and secondary sexual characteristics.
  • Collect Scrabble™ games, on video, at the tournaments. Watch nothing but these tapes when guests come over.
  • Eat only tomatoes, from a bucket, that you carry around with you at all times.
  • Go ahead and assume that anyone who talks to you is trying to hit on you. Never play hard to get.
  • Write a guide book for cock fighting referees. Talk incessantly about the whistle chapter. Always make mention of your thorough index.
  • Use only one means of transportation; a tricycle, but with a ski for a front wheel.
  • Shave off all your hair, all of it. Collect it in little baggies and give them to anyone who tries to talk to you. Suggest a donation.
  • Spend as much time as you can singing, your own songs, that you write about macaroni, sing them with a bullhorn.
  • Bathe in gravy, in the park.
  • If you have to fly, buy an extra seat for your wolverines, that you keep in a pillow case.
  • Pay for everything in nickels. Cut them into fifths for correct change.
  • Get a job in a slaughterhouse, take your work home with you, on the train.
  • Cut “Peanuts” comics out of the newspaper, place them in your tefillin. Tell the Rabbi that you’ve converted to “Ultra-Reform.”
  • Should anyone attempt to speak to you at a bar or restaurant, even the waiter, begin explaining the Bosporus to them. Have literature and visual aids ready.
  • Spread rooster feathers in front of your path when you walk down the sidewalk.
  • Wear sunglasses, at night, on your feet.
  • Stuff your mouth full of olives, as many as you can, then attempt to eat your dinner.

For the Modern Home

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With Lucy Frogger

Presents a Special Recipe For

Chicken Caesar Lasagna

Lasagna

Ingredients:

  • 2 boneless chicken breasts
  • 2 cloves of garlic
  • 1 tea spoon spicy mustard
  • 1 tea spoon of vinegar
  • 1 bunch of spinach
  • 1 1?2 cups of Caesar dressing
  • 2 cups of Alfredo Sauce
  • 1 table spoon of tomato sauce
  • 2 cups of romano cheese
  • 1 cup of mozzarella cheese (grated)
  • 1?2 cup of parmesan cheese (grated)
  • 1 package (roughly 16-20) lasagna noodles.
  • 2 teaspoon Extra Virgin olive oil.

Optional:

  • 1 small chopped onion
  • 1 chopped or sliced tomato

For vegetarian, substitute eggplant for chicken.

Directions:
Chop garlic finely and press, mix with mustard and vinegar and pour over chicken. Place chicken in a skillet with olive oil on low heat for 10-15 minutes until white throughout.

Cut chicken into fine slices and set aside in large bowl. Add the Caesar dressing and uncooked, rinsed spinach. Toss together until chicken, dressing and spinach are well mixed.

Add optional ingredients or spices to taste. Set a large pot on high heat, bring about three quarts of water to boil.

In a small saucepan, combine tomato and Alfredo sauces. Set on low heat. Stir occasionally until well mixed.

Spread a thin layer of sauce over the bottom of an oven-safe casserole dish. Once water is boiling, drop in the lasagna noodles, around five or six at a time. Cook until they can bend without breaking. Spread the cooked noodles in a flat row on the bottom of the casserole dish.

Spread layer of Romano cheese and sauce. Top with second layer of noodles. Add chicken and spinach layer and spread evenly. Top with parmesan cheese. Repeat layers of salad and cheese until all ingredients have been used or until desired thickness.

Top with final layer of noodles. Spread thin layer of sauce on top and pour grated mozeralla liberally over the top of the lasagna.

Bake at 300 degrees for 40-50 minutes, or until top layer is golden brown.

Serves 4-6 people.

Interactive Entertainments for the Bored Masses

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Bursting the Bubble of Complacency in Your Own Home-Town
lemurs

Despite your own mental acumen, there will be times throughout your life when you lay prone under the icy, paralyzing grip of that creature we call Boredom. Therefore, as a public service we offer the following alleviations for your condition. Use them well and wisely and remember that Axes & Alleys, its creators, its parent and affiliate companies are not responsible for the consequences.

Retailer’s Nightmare
Requirements: Backpack or shopping bag, various cans of food, boxes of pre-packaged meals, boxes of crackers, or other non-perishable foodstuffs. Two or more people.

Take the food goods into a non-grocery store, someplace like Petsmart, Home Depot, Borders or Bestbuy. Put out the food as though it’s a sales display. If you enjoy merchandising, you might try to create an end-cap display of canned corn at the Virgin Megastore. Feel free to bring along fake price tags for the items as well.

Ti-Fi
Requirements: Tin cans, length of string, perhaps some hand-crafted Ti-Fi brochures. Two or three people to be sales-reps.

Make tin-can telephones (you know, two tin cans connected by a piece of string). Take it to an area frequented by laptop users, you know, somewhere with wireless internet. Offer to show them the latest in wireless connectivity, “Ti-Fi.” Then pull out the tin can phone and attempt to get them to use it. For bonus fun, try creating a USB attachment.
Continue reading →

21 Ways to Bore Yourself

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Chimp with Paddle
by Rani Stupunagerkee

Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
  1. Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
  2. Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
  3. Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
  4. Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
  5. Learn about Buddhism.
  6. Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).

    7. Continue reading →

Home Improvement Tips

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For the Weekend Handyman

By Dave Glasseye

dave

Dave Glasseye is a bio-carpenter whose specialty is building parrot enclosures for the Saudi Royal Family.

  • When installing a helipad in your backyard be sure to check with your local magistrate to ensure that your pad has the proper support buttresses for your helicopter’s weight class.
  • Building a deck can be a fun project for the weekend. Why not use wood as a deck material?
  • Hammers serve many functions; they can be used to force in nails, pry out nails, or as a weapon in your series of gruesome and senseless murders.
  • You can make a simple hot tub out of a fifty gallon drum and a propane grill.
  • It can be easy to get distracted in the middle of a project. If you do get distracted or bored with your home improvement project try watching the Michael York movie Logan’s Run. It presents a chilling vision of things to come.
  • Always be sure that you have a ratchet screwdriver on hand. We’re not sure what they do exactly, but they’re probably important.

shack

  • Cyprus is an island in the Mediterranean divided between Greek and Turkish factions. Put this important information on a laminated card and carry it in your wallet whenever you do any work on your radiators.
  • Propane is highly flammable. Be certain to wear one of those cool silver suits if you plan to set stuff on fire.
  • According to federal regulations, all missile silos located in residential areas can only house projectiles armed with conventional explosives. Even low yield tactical nuclear weapons must be located no less than 5000 meters from a school, hospital or public library.
  • Foreign diplomats like fancy drinks like Gin and Tonics or Margaritas. Remember that when you go down to embassy row to pick up a truckload of the diplomats who hang out in front of the hardware store looking for work.
  • Although it may sound like a good idea, experts state that four is probably more refrigerators than even a morbidly obese Catholic family needs.
  • Check with the Federal Transportation Commission before trying to build a mini railroad in your living room. Wasn’t that little railroad they had on Silver Spoons cool? Didn’t you totally want one?
  • Though they may seem cool, experts agree that rubber nails are a really bad idea. The same with glass hammers and wooden anvils.

drip

  • Building a dog house can be an excellent way to spend the weekend. The great thing about doghouses is that they don’t have to be good because dogs are stupid and don’t even know that their house is a load of crap.
  • Grout and mildew can be big problems for bathroom fixtures. Cleaners and gunpowder often fail to work so this time why not try reasoning with the mildew? Sometimes all it needs is a good talking to.
  • Installing a tropical fish tank in your bathroom will give your W.C. a regal, nouveau riche feel. If you can’t afford a fish tank, you can get the same effect by just letting an ornery octopus live in your toilet.
  • Riding lawn mowers make yard care a snap! If you don’t have a riding lawn mower you can have the same fun just by driving cars over the lawn. Be sure to tape some kitchen knives underneath to keep that grass short and clean.
  • Be sure to consult your owner’s manual for a list of user-serviceable parts. Fixing something that’s not on that list may void your house’s warranty.
  • If you’re looking for some cheap extra help with your next project check with your local zoo. You’d be surprised how quickly the average chimp can learn to use a band saw.
  • Learn at least seven new swear words, that way when you nail your hand to a board you won’t endlessly repeat the
  • same expletives.