You Can Take to Ensure That People Will Leave You Alone
Wear hats, excessively, ten or more at a time. Strap extra hats to your elbows for emergencies.
Use a cell phone in public, hold long, detailed personal conversations about your various sexual deviancies, and talk only in Sign Language.
Wear one outfit, ever. Never wash it, never change it, and make it entirely out of teddy bears.
Invent your own gender, not a simple combination of the of the existing two. Invent your own social customs, clothing styles and secondary sexual characteristics.
Collect Scrabble™ games, on video, at the tournaments. Watch nothing but these tapes when guests come over.
Eat only tomatoes, from a bucket, that you carry around with you at all times.
Go ahead and assume that anyone who talks to you is trying to hit on you. Never play hard to get.
Write a guide book for cock fighting referees. Talk incessantly about the whistle chapter. Always make mention of your thorough index.
Use only one means of transportation; a tricycle, but with a ski for a front wheel.
Shave off all your hair, all of it. Collect it in little baggies and give them to anyone who tries to talk to you. Suggest a donation.
Spend as much time as you can singing, your own songs, that you write about macaroni, sing them with a bullhorn.
Bathe in gravy, in the park.
If you have to fly, buy an extra seat for your wolverines, that you keep in a pillow case.
Pay for everything in nickels. Cut them into fifths for correct change.
Get a job in a slaughterhouse, take your work home with you, on the train.
Cut “Peanuts” comics out of the newspaper, place them in your tefillin. Tell the Rabbi that you’ve converted to “Ultra-Reform.”
Should anyone attempt to speak to you at a bar or restaurant, even the waiter, begin explaining the Bosporus to them. Have literature and visual aids ready.
Spread rooster feathers in front of your path when you walk down the sidewalk.
Wear sunglasses, at night, on your feet.
Stuff your mouth full of olives, as many as you can, then attempt to eat your dinner.