Some Simple Steps

You Can Take to Ensure That People Will Leave You Alone

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  • Wear hats, excessively, ten or more at a time. Strap extra hats to your elbows for emergencies.
  • Use a cell phone in public, hold long, detailed personal conversations about your various sexual deviancies, and talk only in Sign Language.
  • Wear one outfit, ever. Never wash it, never change it, and make it entirely out of teddy bears.
  • Invent your own gender, not a simple combination of the of the existing two. Invent your own social customs, clothing styles and secondary sexual characteristics.
  • Collect Scrabble™ games, on video, at the tournaments. Watch nothing but these tapes when guests come over.
  • Eat only tomatoes, from a bucket, that you carry around with you at all times.
  • Go ahead and assume that anyone who talks to you is trying to hit on you. Never play hard to get.
  • Write a guide book for cock fighting referees. Talk incessantly about the whistle chapter. Always make mention of your thorough index.
  • Use only one means of transportation; a tricycle, but with a ski for a front wheel.
  • Shave off all your hair, all of it. Collect it in little baggies and give them to anyone who tries to talk to you. Suggest a donation.
  • Spend as much time as you can singing, your own songs, that you write about macaroni, sing them with a bullhorn.
  • Bathe in gravy, in the park.
  • If you have to fly, buy an extra seat for your wolverines, that you keep in a pillow case.
  • Pay for everything in nickels. Cut them into fifths for correct change.
  • Get a job in a slaughterhouse, take your work home with you, on the train.
  • Cut “Peanuts” comics out of the newspaper, place them in your tefillin. Tell the Rabbi that you’ve converted to “Ultra-Reform.”
  • Should anyone attempt to speak to you at a bar or restaurant, even the waiter, begin explaining the Bosporus to them. Have literature and visual aids ready.
  • Spread rooster feathers in front of your path when you walk down the sidewalk.
  • Wear sunglasses, at night, on your feet.
  • Stuff your mouth full of olives, as many as you can, then attempt to eat your dinner.

2 thoughts on “Some Simple Steps

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