You Can Take to Ensure That People Will Leave You Alone

• Wear hats, excessively, ten or more at a time. Strap extra hats to your elbows for emergencies.
• Use a cell phone in public, hold long, detailed personal conversations about your various sexual deviancies, and talk only in Sign Language.
• Wear one outfit, ever. Never wash it, never change it, and make it entirely out of teddy bears.
• Invent your own gender, not a simple combination of the of the existing two. Invent your own social customs, clothing styles and secondary sexual characteristics.
• Collect Scrabble™ games, on video, at the tournaments. Watch nothing but these tapes when guests come over.
• Eat only tomatoes, from a bucket, that you carry around with you at all times.
• Go ahead and assume that anyone who talks to you is trying to hit on you. Never play hard to get.
• Write a guide book for cock fighting referees. Talk incessantly about the whistle chapter. Always make mention of your thorough index.
• Use only one means of transportation; a tricycle, but with a ski for a front wheel.
• Shave off all your hair, all of it. Collect it in little baggies and give them to anyone who tries to talk to you. Suggest a donation.
• Spend as much time as you can singing, your own songs, that you write about macaroni, sing them with a bullhorn.
• Bathe in gravy, in the park.
• If you have to fly, buy an extra seat for your wolverines, that you keep in a pillow case.
• Pay for everything in nickels. Cut them into fifths for correct change.
• Get a job in a slaughterhouse, take your work home with you, on the train.
• Cut “Peanuts” comics out of the newspaper, place them in your tefillin. Tell the Rabbi that you’ve converted to “Ultra-Reform.”
• Should anyone attempt to speak to you at a bar or restaurant, even the waiter, begin explaining the Bosporus to them. Have literature and visual aids ready.
• Spread rooster feathers in front of your path when you walk down the sidewalk.
• Wear sunglasses, at night, on your feet.
• Stuff your mouth full of olives, as many as you can, then attempt to eat your dinner.