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Category Archives: How to Do It
Helpful Hints for Daily Life
1. They say that fish is brain food, so why not eat the smartest fish of all; the dolphin.
Studies show that eating one pickled dolphin brain a day can raise your SAT score by as many as three points.
2. Try trepanation; it releases pressure on the brain so more wisdom can fit in there.
3. Attach a couple of 9V batteries to a magnet and then run a wire to a knitting needle. Just jam the needle in your head and you’ll be using electro-mental powers in no time.
4. Wear a metal colander on your head. It helps focus mental radiation.
5. Use chemicals to break down the blood-brain barrier so you can let all your symbiotic parasites help with the thinking.
6. Try handy mnemonic devices. For instance you can remember the order of the first Ten Amendments to the Constitution as Only (one) Tumulous (two) Thoroughbreds (three) Fight (four) Fancy (five) Souped-up (six) Silverfish (seven) Every (eight) Night (nine) Tentatively (ten). Easy as pie.
7. You know the metal colander on your head that keeps in mental radiation? Cover it with
tinfoil, to help block out anti-mentation interference (AMI).
8. Try to imagine squares, circles, and triangles as three-dimensional objects.
9. Plug up your nose and ears with cotton balls to stop your knowledge from leaking out.
10. Try thinking harder.
The ABCs of NATO
For many years the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, and its various military forces, have utilized a system whereby they substitute a common word for a letter of the alphabet in radio-graphic communication. This is meant to ease communication. But, I find that their word choices are a bit random and I don’t at all approve. Therefore, I would like NATO to adopt a new NATO, or phonetic alphabet. After all, we can’t have NATO forces supporting the drinking of whiskey, a known intoxicant.
Public Service Announcement
The home is obviously a dangerous place. So, as part of our court-ordered public awareness series, we will now explore way that you can protect your family from fire. Be wise lest you burn yourself alive, die in agony and leave this world with the stench of your own burning flesh fresh on the ol’ nostrils.
Fire loves oxygen, so it’s best not to pump your home full of a 100% oxygen mixture. Try as hard as you can to set the atmosphere in your home to 74% nitrogen, 32% oxygen and 2% argon and other trace gasses. Some methane or sulfur may be included from time to time.
You may wish to impress friends with your ability to drink a flaming shot of liquor. After several of these, you may think it a good idea to pour liquor on the table and set it on fire because it looks neat. This is not wise.
Although fire can harm vampires, it’s best to use holy water and stakes when in the home. If you absolutely must burn the undead, make sure to keep a fire-retardant blanket handy.
While your late aunt’s box of collected magnifying glasses sure is neat, installing them as a picture window and burning alive from the concentrated power of the Sun is not.
Smoking in bed is one of the leading causes of death in people who die in bed while smoking. If you absolutely must smoke in bed, try using a water-filtered hookah with an enclosed brazier. Make sure your sheets aren’t too frilly.
Convert your home to electric lighting. It is expensive, but safer than lining your walls with lit torches.
Should you happen to catch on fire, via spontaneous human combustion, that’d be weird, wouldn’t it?
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How to Do It: Tiberium 2006
With LeMuel LeBratt
Featuring Permanent Guest Host Marcia Spatzelberg
by Special Guest Columnist Dave Titlebaum
In this month’s How to Do It, we’ll tell you an easy and simple way to steal the Kabbah Stone, the black meteorite in Mecca which is considered seriously holy to many Muslims. Now, how they consider a rock holy when they have tons of rules in Sharia against idolatry is beyond me, but it should be a fun thing to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon.
