Hello boys and girls, I am Supreme Allied Commander General Dwight David Eisenhower, but my friends call me “Ike.” For many years I have been a devoted reader of this fine magazine. Why, heck, during the planning stages of Operation Neptune, the Allied invasion of Normandy, I spent many a quiet evening delighting in the quality tractor repair and maintenance information contained in the pages of Axes & Alleys. Continue reading
NEWS OF A CONSUMMATELY FRIVOLOUS NATURE
Based upon the experiences of the roving photographers and spies under the employ of this esteemed magazine in relation to persons of a well-known nature in the entertainment arts and sciences.
With Adeline Burris Youngling, Woman of the Metropolitan Area. Ms. Youngling is a fashionable member of the Ladies’ Fig Cake Baking Society of North Uxbridge, Montsylvania.
Eating Emperor
Renee Bautista and Zolban the Magnificent, supreme ruler of the Sepia Sector of the Galaxy, were spotted canoodling at Portly’s Bar and Grill by someone in the know. Our spy told us that Renee was sporting a mighty big kumquat on her finger…
Cloned Copy Banana Eater
Star of film, screen and stage, and major proponent of a meat only diet, Alan Guthman was seen eating a banana on East 1762nd Street. When asked for comment, Guthman’s flak Sid Sidney stated that the person eating the banana was actually Guthman’s new clone Tom.
Conquering Nomenclature
Alexander the Great has completed his campaign through south-central Asia, an area known for high crime and barbarian gang violence. Apparently, Mr. Great has named a city for his horse, Bucephalus, skirting his regular tradition of naming cities for himself. An insider has stated that Anturpal III has planned to name a city in Eastern Parthia after his left shoe, in response.
Seen Not Seen
Who was seen eating northine platunes in the park yesterday? Which famous zoning superintendent has a pregnant teenage daughter, artificially inseminated by the reanimated corpse of a long dead king? How many entertainment lawyers yesterday screwed in a light bulb? Which movie actress had absolutely nothing fantastic to say or do over the last year, including insights into yoga or the Kabbalah?
Head for Hair
Arnold Comproy has created a new method for clothing the human person. “I’ve discovered the brilliant idea of cutting the coverings from common animals, such as sheep and goats, and turning them into a covering for humans.” The new method, not yet named, is tapped to be the greatest invention since the creation of coverings for humans from plant materials.
Featuring the Illuminati, Serialized Moon Fiction, Biology, and the Latest News from Norway!
A VERY SPECIAL END-OF-THE-WORLD ISSUE
We here at Axes and Alleys must report the latest very unfortunate news. It seems as though this world we have come to love and dwell upon is coming to an end next Tuesday. Therefore, we must apologize as this will be our final issue.
This was first brought to our attention when Dr. Sigmund G. Folive, our resident Egyptologist, turned in his latest report on the precise scientific measurement of the Great Pyramid of Cheops in Egypt.
It seems that when one multiplies the height of the Pyramid (481 ft.) by the measurements of the bases (4 x 775.75) and then multiplies that number by the degree of inclination (51?) and then divides the total by the number of blocks used in the construction (2,300,000); and when this sum is multiplied by the number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy (605,166,825.22) you get the number 20,031,021,915 which corresponds to the date October 21st, 2003 at 9:15. Archaeologists are not sure, however, as to whether this indicates an evening or morning apocalypse.
They are certain, though, that this is correct as they have found hieroglyphs which state that the Pyramid was built specifically for the purpose of determining the end of the year by using the Neo-Gregorian calendar and modern Imperial units of measurement. So, readers, enjoy this last issue and have a nice Doomsday.
From a Teddy-Styled Bear.
This essay contains information on buckets. It does not contain information on non-bucket items.
by Company’s Sergeant Major (CSM)
Nigel Rivvens Surrey Stonehouse.
(4th Battalion, Durham Light Infantry)
Buckets are hollow containers distinguished from bins by their cylindrical shape. Bins, generally, are square or cubical. Pots, while cylindrical, have a side-mounted singular projecting prop handle while a bucket is usually noted by its double mounted 180 arc wire frame handle. Buckets may be constructed from any number of materials including, but not limited to, wood, plastic, metal or porcelain. They may or may not have a pouring lip perforation in the rim, located perpendicular to the handle mountings.
There may be containers, similar in design to what we have above described as buckets, but with surfaces punctuated by varied perforations. These are not buckets, but rather are strainers, for the primary function of a bucket is to contain water or another liquid. Thus may a bucket aid in the transport of liquids. Due to the non-solid surface, a strainer would be ineffective in holding or transporting fluids as the fluid would have a tendency to drain fromthe holes and fall toward the ground. A bucket, with its constant surface, avoids this problem.
Buckets are used by all manner of gentlemen, for instance, those who work for the Fire Department. Their vocational duties are so entwined with buckets that these firefellows are sometimes called a “Bucket Brigade.” Nomads of Arabia use wooden buckets to draw up life-giving water from isolated desert oases. Custodians of many buildings and structures the world over use buckets to hold their frothy, soap-strewn waters. Buckets are cool.
