NEWS OF A CONSUMMATELY FRIVOLOUS NATURE
Based upon the experiences of the roving photographers and spies under the employ of this esteemed magazine in relation to persons of a well-known nature in the entertainment arts and sciences.
With Adeline Burris Youngling, Woman of the Metropolitan Area. Ms. Youngling is a fashionable member of the Ladies’ Fig Cake Baking Society of North Uxbridge, Montsylvania.
Renee Bautista and Zolban the Magnificent, supreme ruler of the Sepia Sector of the Galaxy, were spotted canoodling at Portly’s Bar and Grill by someone in the know. Our spy told us that Renee was sporting a mighty big kumquat on her finger…
Cloned Copy Banana Eater
Star of film, screen and stage, and major proponent of a meat only diet, Alan Guthman was seen eating a banana on East 1762nd Street. When asked for comment, Guthman’s flak Sid Sidney stated that the person eating the banana was actually Guthman’s new clone Tom.
Alexander the Great has completed his campaign through south-central Asia, an area known for high crime and barbarian gang violence. Apparently, Mr. Great has named a city for his horse, Bucephalus, skirting his regular tradition of naming cities for himself. An insider has stated that Anturpal III has planned to name a city in Eastern Parthia after his left shoe, in response.
Seen Not Seen
Who was seen eating northine platunes in the park yesterday? Which famous zoning superintendent has a pregnant teenage daughter, artificially inseminated by the reanimated corpse of a long dead king? How many entertainment lawyers yesterday screwed in a light bulb? Which movie actress had absolutely nothing fantastic to say or do over the last year, including insights into yoga or the Kabbalah?
Head for Hair
Arnold Comproy has created a new method for clothing the human person. “I’ve discovered the brilliant idea of cutting the coverings from common animals, such as sheep and goats, and turning them into a covering for humans.” The new method, not yet named, is tapped to be the greatest invention since the creation of coverings for humans from plant materials.