Author Archives: Jeremy Rosen

My Brunch with Dirk Benedict

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dirk

Dirk Benedict came over on Sunday, mid-afternoon. He didn’t take haste in coming, for our time together is leisurely. In answering his knock, I opened the door to find that dashing man upon my verandah. Standing tall and full of life, he sent vibrations near and far.

With bloody maries already at hand I invited him to sit. Oh did we wile away the time, sipping at our cocktails; discussing Aristophanes and macroeconomics. Dirk Benedict, I say, is a masterful economist. with command of theory, practical experience and a rapacious imagination. Later we happily switched to sangria.

I gently bade him enter now, for a fine repast I had awaiting. His eyes were twinkling as he dug right in. His mane is cherubic when he’s eating rye toast and fried ham, and almost laughing at his eggs benedict. Dirk Benedict enjoys that jape, no matter how many times it’s done.
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The ABCs of NATO

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nato

For many years the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, and its various military forces, have utilized a system whereby they substitute a common word for a letter of the alphabet in radio-graphic communication. This is meant to ease communication. But, I find that their word choices are a bit random and I don’t at all approve. Therefore, I would like NATO to adopt a new NATO, or phonetic alphabet. After all, we can’t have NATO forces supporting the drinking of whiskey, a known intoxicant.

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Menagerie of Mini-Biographies

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biography
Louis Tolwind Meyerson (1898 – 1967) – Louie Legs to his friends, Meyerson was only the second man to become a naturalized citizen of Canolia and the first man to weatherproof the interior of a home. This was a necessity as a result of Louie Legs’ inveterate pursuit of indoor cloud-seeding experiments. Also as a result he created his only useful contribution to society: 100% fire proofing, which protected his house from numerous lightning strikes.

Q. Eric Johnson (1948 – 2006) – Tall and ruddy, with dark sandy hair and all limbs intact, Q. Eric started his life as a middle class child growing up in suburban Mitchell, Elizabethia. Upon graduation from Muni-Tech College in 1968, he took on what would be the first of many managerial positions with Bangers ‘n’ Mash, the multinational English-themed fast food chain. A lifelong bachelor, Q. Eric died in his sleep on January 12, 2006.

Anna Peterson (1843) – Anna enjoyed breastfeeding and drooling, yet only occasionally laughed. Her most favored possession was a blue quilted blanket stitched together by her grandmother. She never learned to walk.

Maximus Felix Quintus Lotho (67 – 20 BC) – Quintus became famous for running around the entire circumference of Rome, as well as several cities in Gaul, Armenia and Pontus. He was granted the right to wear shoes within them temple of Jupiter and to ogle the ankles of the Vestal Virgins. His honor was taken away from him later in life, when he continued his practice of running; this time away from a force of outnumbering Parthians. His last words were reportedly “does anyone else smell eggs?”
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Classifieds: Vespril 2006

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FOR LEASE
Shitty tall tale. It’s really awful and can be yours for only $23 a week. Contact Logan of Logan’s Tall Tales for more info.

TO LET
5000 sq. ft. room in the middle of a garbage scow. Lovely view of refuse, perfect fixer upper. Barge Realty. 718-2121.

WANTED
Sexually inexperienced naked women. 18-24 yrs old. T-Bone Jones, Adams Retirement Home. 462- 0028.

WANTED
Life-size model of cobalt atom. Will pay up to $43. Paul Cook, Box 201.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Squash players needed to provide technical assistance to cast of whacky new Squash-related sitcom. Call Ralph at NBC for more info. 880-2734, ext. 1382-8271.

FOR SALE
Super tanker full of maple syrup. The syrup clogs up the release valves so we can never drain it out. Makes a great conversation piece. $2 million or best offer. Ellison Mineral.

WANTED
I will trade money or favors in exchange for ale. I will do anything for ale. I sure love ale. Barnaby, Box 21.

FOR SALE
Sunflower. Call Tammy at 323-0098.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Volcano detector. We need you to find volcanoes for use in a confidence scheme. Twin Stix Mahoney, Box 6.

WANTED
Box of meal worms. Must be 18 cubic in. E. Bell, Hambone, TX.

FOR SALE
Small cube shaped puzzle which opens dimensional gates and summons baldheaded gothy looking creatures. $50 or best offer. Kirsty, Box 103.

FOR SALE
The beat. Charlotte Caffey info@gogos.com

FOR RENT
Marianas Trench. Includes wrecked submarine filled with jellyfish and common anglerfish. F. Pino 917-843-9222

WANTED
Asymmetrical intelligent alien species for discovery and horrible misunderstanding. Roderick Blaine Blaine Manor, New Scotland 113091

FOR SALE
One box. Tom, No.33

POSITION AVAILABLE
Masochist needed to be struck with bats by Crimean immigrants. Will provide boiled carrots as payment. Call Lucy Sturgeon at 829-292-181.

WANTED
Bootblack. Must supply own tools. Polish provided. Dr. F.X. Enderby South Polar Station Antarctica

FOR SALE
Rust collection. All varieties from brown to light-dark red. Dark-dark red not included. 35p or best offer. Leisha Halley 212-888-2122

FOR RENT
2 staples. $2 per month, $68 for three years in advance. Find metal pipe and strike 13 dots and two dashes. I’ll bring the staples.

FOR LEASE
One human lung, you can use my lung for six months and then I need it back. Laura, Box 021.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Intern needed at petrochemical company. We need to test effects of oil on underpants. Underpants not provided, you must bring your own. Only women, ages 18-22 need apply. Petroil Co. Ramada, MV

WANTED
Petunia that can kill people and consume their flesh, rip organs out and eat them. Will pay top dollar. I have my own pot to keep them in. Belinda, 372-2831

WANTED
A box. Any type. Will pay lots and lots of money. Argus, Route 3. BA