Contumacious, WL – This year, primary can be taken literally with Willinois, the nation’s newest state, holding its first primary; the first in an already-contentious electoral season. The ascendancies of several candidates and the meteoric fall of another have made for another first: the first interesting primary in 37 years. The American Freedom Party has never before been so glamorous.
While Rupert Olive won and Mitch Damage came in a close second, reflecting months of alternating at the top of the polls, perhaps most surprising was Mary Tarzan’s apparent self-destruction over the course of the four weeks leading up to the Primary on January 1st. The front-runner for much of the past year, Tarzan’s series of gaffes, foibles-come-to-light, and unfamiliarity with state customs in existence for only six months slashed the tires of her campaign and jimmied open its glove box.
The first hint of trouble came towards the beginning of December at Phil’s Pickle Factory located in Rueben-on-Rye. Shortly before she was to give her stump speech, Ms. Tarzan was overheard on a hot microphone saying to campaign manager Cyril Hendrix “Pickles are a stupid food. Anyone who likes pickles is stupid, too.” Willinois has the highest per-capita rate of pickle consumption in the Western hemisphere. (Pickled cucumbers are the favourite, but other varieties of pickled foodstuffs, most notably Japanese oshinko, are quite popular.)
Following such a major gaffe was Tarzan’s wearing of a left-breasted blazer in Strapami, a city in the Southwest of the state best known as the birthplace of the right-breasted blazer. Pundits across the country took carefully-aimed shots at Ms. Tarzan, with Pete Rendle of the Missoula General-Star calling her “Ready to Wear Out,” “On the Rack,” and other fashion-political puns.
Perhaps the largest contributor to her six point drop, though, was her fifteen minute indictment of ice cream presented on the capital steps at Contumacious. Tarzan turned a ten second sound bite about the familiar brain freeze into a lengthy harangue on the ridiculous amount of flavours available, cone sizes and textures, as well as “those Sinonipponesian hippies Ben & Jerry.”
Not that Willinois is a particular bastion of dairy farming or ice cream production in particular, but fully 90% of living Americans enjoy ice cream. A three point drop in poll numbers was soon to follow, with Tarzan finishing out the month and the primary at 15% and fourth place.
The largest increases came for G. Thomas Borden, mayor of Katharinetowne, West Dakota, and Elmo Wrigley, first governor of Willinois; each receiving a six point bump in poll numbers. With Borden coming in third and Wrigley right behind Tarzan at fifth, late-term stump promises certainly gained one candidate the right kind of attention.
Borden, previously “way behind,” made headway on December 14th in Selenium with his declaration of “small government for all,” followed shortly thereafter by a promise in an interview with the Selenium Heavy Metal to “bomb evil.” Further trumpeting of his war record and ancestry was seen by campaign managers as being somewhat boring.
He later showed off his wife and children, in order to prove that he was capable of carrying on an interpersonal relationship and engaging in unprotected coitus; followed, strangely, by a visit to a soup kitchen downtown, where he grabbed a bowl of soup for himself, claiming hunger. Press flacks for the campaign claimed that the visit was an effort to call attention to the hungry in our nation, but it was widely reported that Borden went back for seconds.
Wrigley, however, has led one of the most unusual campaigns in the history of presidential politics. While filing the paperwork for his candidacy himself, and making sure to have logos and signs designed and printed, the Willinois governor has done absolutely no stumping. In fact, though his schedule often shows him as purportedly appearing at one place or another, Mr. Wrigley is usually on the rear veranda of his house penning romantic short stories set in Asia (when he is not involved in legislation).
When pressed, campaign manager Darren P. Darren said that Wrigley had attended “no more than three” of his scheduled 672 campaign stops in December. Once he had even enjoyed a cappuccino in place of his speech to be given at the Daughters of the American Revolution in St. Tiddleboro.
Rupert Olive and Mitch Damage, the current overall front-runners, experienced another exchange of places as the former barely won. For months Olive has been trumpeting his “Olive for Olives” plan and his work seems to have paid off by finally taking a win at the first primary.
The three-point strategy involves the olive branch, olive oil, and olive loaf with each respectively representing peace, good health through low-cholesterol cooking, and the good bits hidden in the processed meat of life. While still somewhat vague, many onlookers see the “Olive for Olives” strategy as encouraging.
Accruing a sizable number of delegates for the upcoming American Freedom Party Convention, Mitch Damage could emerge the winner in later ballots should Olive’s hold on the lead prove ephemeral throughout the coming primary season. The stylish young congressman from Ohio spent arduous hours throughout the last year locking up the vote amongst women.
Notable endorsements included Mrs. Lewella Drumbley (age 23) the mayor of Knitting Needle, Stacey Howell (19), Ms. Willinois, and Mrs. Elizabeth Wrigley (27), wife of Willinois Governor Elmo Wrigley and a former hand model. Flashing his bright smile and mischievous grin while surrounded by a bevy of Thompson’s Dairy milk maids, Damage stated that “hard work and sweat pay off.”
Vice President Al Page experienced a five point drop, which Libertarian commentators have explained as due to his support of an immoral system such as government. However, experienced commentators such as George F. Will found it more likely that Page’s absence from the scene for three of the final weeks due to surgery on his overworked kidneys likely led to the crumbling of the campaign in Willinois.
Still, said Balavaster Gremlinson of The New York Times, Page’s drop could have been much greater had he not reappeared in the final week of the campaign. In his first appearance after the surgery the Vice President, lacking his signature caffeine, attended the opening of the Porcupine Race Track in Scabrous. Wearing a no-Commies flame-retardant suit and bearing a flame thrower, page threatened the racing animals and their jockeys, then the audience before deciding to find out what running a flame thrower in a car wash was like.
His 11th hour endorsement by entertainer and non-citizen Björk led to a novel dance competition between the two where both sewed themselves in burlap sacks and rolled across the Little Streeple River Bridge through blue paint.
Page received a last minute poll increase of 1 point after this episode.
Of the trailing candidates, James Randi was sceptical of his abysmal performance, emitting a curmudgeonly “I don’t believe it” when told of the results and offering $1 million for proof. Few spectators stayed behind to watch him bend spoons using slight of hand and misdirection.
Alexandra Hague remained jovial as she applied a beet-based rouge in the Willinois International Airport ladies room, which she hasn’t left since early September. “I’m really happy to be here,” the loser said “It is the safest place, because there are American agents after me.” Though neither the FBI nor the CIA would confirm that they are “after” People’s Commisar for Population Zone 1, Hauge concluded the interview by crouching ready in the corner with an AK-47 trained on the bathroom door. Despite a poor showing in Willinois, in which she received only two votes, Haugue won the Platha State Primary with an astonishing 128% of the vote; a record for any candidate thus far.
Gavin Rossdale, the Tory candidate for president, referred all questions about his trailing finish to his wife’s publicist. When pressed on the issue, he proceeded to mumble a few things about a “new album” and “green to red” before wandering off in search of “a pint.”
From here only the six leading candidates are likely to continue, though Randi did scowl when asked of his intentions to campaign in the final couple of days before the Iowa caucuses. It is still conceivable that Tarzan could pull into the top three by New Hampshire, but all eyes are still on Olive and Damage as they battle for each possible delegate to the convention. Because the race is still a close four-way, analysts expect a great upset before Über Tuesday.
No matter what the final outcome may prove to be in the primary and the ever approaching election, many pundits and commentators have noted that this is likely shaping up to be the most exciting Presidential election in four years.
