Present History

Dick Armstrong

Never one to shy away from controversy or to worry about the polls, President Dick Armstrong has been steadfastly ignoring the upcoming election and the frenzied campaigning of his would-be opponents. Instead, Armstrong has focused on running the nation, playing daily games of marco polo with his five sons and three daughters, and fruitlessly hunting the White House lawn moles with a frogging gig. Some insiders, however, think he’s not quite ready for next November and the fight to the finish.

“We must not forget,” said amateur blogging pundit Lucy Coverage of “that Armstrong’s first term was anything but a breeze. Between the War, the Reptile Crisis, the short-lived video camera revolt, the Nullification Confrontation and the situation in Belgium, Armstrong’s had his hands full. Still, he has handled every situation with his usual wit and aplomb. Also, get a load of those suits!”

When asked about the election, Armstrong has developed an interesting new habit. Instead of answering he will smile coyly and then perform several yo-yo tricks. His most common is the “walk the dog,” though he has been known, on occasion, to do the “around the world,” or the highly difficult “Chinese loop the loop.”

Insiders have leaked reports that the president’s scale models have become “sloppy and careless,” troubling since Armstrong is well known for his breathtakingly detailed 1:48 scale replicas of his favorite airplane: the A-10 Warthog.

“It was troubling, because the cockpit glass was all fogged up and the landing gear wouldn’t retract because of a careless glue application. Half the decals were ripped or placed crooked,” stated White House Model Describer Mary Hargrove. “He even sanded the rudders in a sloppy fashion. Can you believe that?”

While the President is no doubt preoccupied by the upcoming election and the ongoing needle shortage, he seems upbeat as evidenced by a recent Daughters of the Agricultural Conflagration luncheon where the President displayed his charismatic wit and humor by recounting his third favorite joke:

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.” Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”

Despite the best efforts of the FA challengers, Armstrong seems more-or-less ready for the election and for another term. Polling asking whether Armstrong was preferred over any generic Free America candidate found the President ahead by a 5-to-1 margin. Against specific candidates, he led by as much as 90 points. As several taxidermists shouted at a recent speech, it seems that both Armstrong and the nation are ready for “Two hundred and eight more weeks.”

You Can Become President!

How to become President.

1. Reinforce your message of change by throwing quarters in the audience at the end of every speech. Everyone loves a gimmick.
2. Be “folksy.”
3. Wear a blue sweater, it brings out your eyes.
4. Use your thirty seconds of debate time to do an interpretive dance about health care. Hey, it worked for Reagan.
5. When you go to a campaign stop, inform people that voting for you is an option they can take. Maybe even explain why taking that option would be in everyone’s best interest. In the long run, you know?
6. For some added flair, cover your face and bill yourself as the “Masked Candidate.” Offer to reveal your true identity only when elected.
7. Create colorful mobiles as a way to illustrate the importance of balancing the budget.
8. Remember that kissing babies is expected, but licking them just crosses the line into creepy.
9. Carry around a brightly colored noose to show that you’re tough on crime, but in a fun way.
10. While voters do tend to like a candidate who they perceive as tough and determined, it’s probably not a good idea to point out how many enemies you had murdered on your way to the governorship.
11. Wild claims such as “I can regenerate failing organs” or “Helium was my idea” can actually gain quite a few votes.
12. Leverage the possibility of hope. What we mean by that is make sure to throw the word hope into your speaking a few times. You might consider mentioning the future, too.
13. Try wearing a tank top. Well, everyone else is doing that oxford without a tie and the top button open look. Couldn’t hurt.
14. Make sure to have a crew of short-shorts-wearing Filipino cabana boys follow you around.
15. Encourage reading. Mention that your opponents haven’t done so yet. You were the first to encourage literacy. Being able to read is a good thing. That sort of stuff. Tell voters you have a secret reading program waiting to roll out. Folks like secrets.
16. Ensure all of your delegates arrive at the convention first. When a quorum is reached, start taking votes. By the time everyone else’s delegates show up, you’re the winner.
17. Have a pop-punk band compose a theme song for you. Nothing corny, but definitely catchy. If you’re of a religious persuasion, make sure it mentions “Him” and that the capitalization is obvious by the way the band sings. Everyone loves pop-punk.
18. Spend ten years adopting children of various ethnicities. Okay, we’re not sure about this one, but it just might work.
19. Promise anything. They won’t really remember later.
20. Try really hard.

The Life of U.S. President Horace B. Borden (1811 – 1903)

President Horace B. Borden

Not many Americans are familiar with President Horace B. Borden. You will find no monuments to him nestled upon the Potomac, nor does his face grace a postage stamp or piece of currency, but his wise policy and incorruptible tenacity of personal conviction led the Union through the troubling times of the Crisis of 1883 and through the harrowing times of the Turko-Bolivian War, a time when Ottoman excursions into Latin America threatened to undermine the Monroe Doctrine and spell peril for American economic interests in the region. Born in a rustic cabin on the shores of the Chapaqueedahadic River, which wound its way through the rich forests of the Appalachian foothills of the North West Territory, Horace Benjamin Borden was raised outside of what would eventually become the city of Peregrine, Montsylvania. Continue reading