Tag Archives: canada

Letters: Clauduary 2008

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Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

Hi Axes & Alleys,
Thanks for the nice words and cool idea. I love a good zine. When the movie hits maybe we can get the live-action Cassie Hack actress on your cover. Would love to be a part of a rad zine in some way.
Todd Lincoln

Axes & Alleys,
Go ahead! 🙂 Haha. So awesome. And kinda hot. Thanks for the advertising.
TIM!
Tim Steely

Note- The “Go head” in the above correspondence was an affirmative answer to our request to have Ms. Hack appear as our cover girl. Ed.

Sir:
THE TROTSKY RED PUPPET MOVEMENT is on the move along the Eastern Front. We are just now infiltrating the 900 block of B’way. YIELD TO YOUR FATE before it is too late! As our leader said in his lugubriously persuasive manifesto: ‘Papier Mache forever! We give the finger to the lie.‘
Dmitri Tolteca
Trepassey, Newfoundland, Canada

To the Editors,
Your characterization of Dothan, Alabama is atrocious (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 10)! As you could no doubt tell if you had bothered to visit our city’s fine web site (www.dothan.org), you would know that we have an entire section of the site devoted to tourism. In fact, that section has sub-divisions. Yes, it’s true, we have murals! In addition, the “advertisement” included in your magazine does not contain an authorized promotional photograph of Highway 231.
Pat Thomas, Mayor
Dothan, Alabama
mayor@dothan.org

Dear A&A,
Mud flaps. That’s right, I said it. Mud flaps.
Lacey Mosley
Arlington, Texas

To Whom It May Concern,
We must endeavour in these darker modern ages to take stock of the cultural enigmas passed down to us through the generations. Why have we stopped at only six simple machines? Why not have seven? As cartographic technology becomes more precise, why are border check points not moved accordingly by inches? When it is merely an artefact of artistic Darwinism and the accidental happenstance of overtones, why is most
popular music entirely tonal? When it isn’t, why is it that it’s always the successful popular musicians who are experimenting with drugs at the time who take a non-tonal or semi-tonal approach to their compositions? I was just wondering.
Russ Bertie
Cookie Monster, UK

Axes & Alleys,
How come your covers never feature a wispy English girl with light brunette hair? I mean, I’ll keep buying the magazine and all, this isn’t a threat. I’d just like to see a very thin young woman from the British Isles with the aforementioned hair. Maybe just this side of cute, but you know, leaning toward the pretty. like you talked about in your “Cute, Pretty, Beautiful” article (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 01).
Dan Simmons
Colorado, United States

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I’ve written to you several times this year under various names. I just wanted to point out that your Clauduary issue contained letters written entirely by me! Thanks!
Jane Moist
Knightsbridge, UK

Axes & Alleys,
With over 7 million albums sold, we feel that we should be reviewed or appear in your magazine. Over a century of issues and yet not a single mention of us at all. Sales that high should count for something.
Various Artists
Hollywood, USA

To the Editors,
Hi Editors. Ja, we are writing to announce the German Shame Parade here in New York City. You see, every type of person gets their own parade of pride here, but we Germans cannot because we are ashamed and a shameful people. We would still like a parade, however, so we have created this one to celebrate our shame. Don’t be fooled by the smiles; we are deeply unhappy.
Lars Halter, General Chairman
German-American Steuben Shame Parade
New York, NY
www.germanparadenyc.org

Dear Editors,
Is this some kind of sick joke? Do you honestly believe that you can get away with it? I’ll get you. I’ll get every last one of you.
Katie Stalin
“Queens”, New York

All About Canada

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A Salute to Our Northern Neighbors

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Canada is a nation that should have been located above 54Âș40’. It is the northernmost country and the second largest in area. It has pristine forests, abundant fisheries, wild Arctic-adapted peoples and a rather large tower. These and many other great things notwithstanding, it should be noted that Canada absurdly lacks a tradition of bushido.

Indeed at no point in Canadian history has there existed a single Shogunate. Astoundingly, there was never even a competing collection of nobles; each one seeking to gain dominion over Kyoto and the Imperial House. Canada has failed to have any Samurai at all and, except for a poorly-documented case in 1847, has not even had Ronin.

Often lauded for their participation in Allied operations during World War II, it is a hypocritically overlooked fact that the Canadians lacked any sense of kokutai. No accounts exist in all the extant documentation of that conflict wherein a Canadian kamikaze fulfilled his glorious destiny in the personal destruction of a German aircraft carrier. Nor, in any engagement, did the Canadian Fleet bloom as flowers in death.

Canada, while full of commerce, possesses no zaibatsu. Not a one! Failed Canadians never properly honour their families and cleanse themselves through the ceremony of hara kiri. Canada’s legislative body wasn’t even influenced, in part or in whole, by the German Reichstag.

Some Fun Facts About Canada

  • Canada is not made up of the four major islands of Honshu, Hokkaido, Kyushu, and Shikoku.
  • The Canadian flag does not show the Rising Sun, because its rulers did not descend from the Sun Gods at the dawn of time.
  • Not once in Canadian history has a Divine Wind defended Canada from a Mongol invasion. Pretty sad considering the fact that some countries have had this happen twice.
  • In the 1930s Canada did not set up a puppet state in Manchukuo.
  • Canada never defeated Russia in the early part of the 20th Century; because of this Canada has never gained control of the Manchurian railroads.
  • No Canadian ruler ever instituted the Meiji Restoration.
  • When given the opportunity, Canada did not base its written language upon that of the Chinese.
  • Famous National Film Board of Canada animator Norman McLaren never could get the hang of drawing larger than normal human eyes.
  • The only MacArthur to visit Canada was the inanely-named Arthur MacArthur.
  • No serious historian has ever written about Medieval Canada.
  • In the face of common sense, no Canadian film maker has ever directed an Akira Kurosawa film. One country even managed to produce 32 Akira Kurosawa films.

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