Monthly Archives: May 2006

Some Simple Steps

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You Can Take to Ensure That People Will Leave You Alone

avoidy

  • Wear hats, excessively, ten or more at a time. Strap extra hats to your elbows for emergencies.
  • Use a cell phone in public, hold long, detailed personal conversations about your various sexual deviancies, and talk only in Sign Language.
  • Wear one outfit, ever. Never wash it, never change it, and make it entirely out of teddy bears.
  • Invent your own gender, not a simple combination of the of the existing two. Invent your own social customs, clothing styles and secondary sexual characteristics.
  • Collect Scrabble™ games, on video, at the tournaments. Watch nothing but these tapes when guests come over.
  • Eat only tomatoes, from a bucket, that you carry around with you at all times.
  • Go ahead and assume that anyone who talks to you is trying to hit on you. Never play hard to get.
  • Write a guide book for cock fighting referees. Talk incessantly about the whistle chapter. Always make mention of your thorough index.
  • Use only one means of transportation; a tricycle, but with a ski for a front wheel.
  • Shave off all your hair, all of it. Collect it in little baggies and give them to anyone who tries to talk to you. Suggest a donation.
  • Spend as much time as you can singing, your own songs, that you write about macaroni, sing them with a bullhorn.
  • Bathe in gravy, in the park.
  • If you have to fly, buy an extra seat for your wolverines, that you keep in a pillow case.
  • Pay for everything in nickels. Cut them into fifths for correct change.
  • Get a job in a slaughterhouse, take your work home with you, on the train.
  • Cut “Peanuts” comics out of the newspaper, place them in your tefillin. Tell the Rabbi that you’ve converted to “Ultra-Reform.”
  • Should anyone attempt to speak to you at a bar or restaurant, even the waiter, begin explaining the Bosporus to them. Have literature and visual aids ready.
  • Spread rooster feathers in front of your path when you walk down the sidewalk.
  • Wear sunglasses, at night, on your feet.
  • Stuff your mouth full of olives, as many as you can, then attempt to eat your dinner.

Blue Prize Winner!

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Article Title

It’s that time of year again, time to bust out the old pie charts, poster boards and bread mold. Since everyone in your class will be mucking about with mouse mazes, magnets and plants, we are happy to offer you some Science Fair Projects that’ll guarantee you the blue ribbon and the A plus.

Elementary School Level:
1. See which tastes better; bacon or dog food. What about window cleaner? Is bleach tastier than paint? See how many things around your house you can eat or drink. You’d be surprised how many there are!

2. Biology can be a rich subject. Did you know that pet stores sell mice for only twenty five cents each? Why not buy five dollars worth and see how much force it takes to kill them. Try nails, hammers, bricks or even a blender or microwave oven. Isn’t biology fun?

3. Mop and pop sure have a lot of pills in that there medicine cabinet. See what happens when you force feed them to your younger brother or sister. Neat huh?
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For the Modern Home

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With Lucy Frogger

Presents a Special Recipe For

Chicken Caesar Lasagna

Lasagna

Ingredients:

  • 2 boneless chicken breasts
  • 2 cloves of garlic
  • 1 tea spoon spicy mustard
  • 1 tea spoon of vinegar
  • 1 bunch of spinach
  • 1 1?2 cups of Caesar dressing
  • 2 cups of Alfredo Sauce
  • 1 table spoon of tomato sauce
  • 2 cups of romano cheese
  • 1 cup of mozzarella cheese (grated)
  • 1?2 cup of parmesan cheese (grated)
  • 1 package (roughly 16-20) lasagna noodles.
  • 2 teaspoon Extra Virgin olive oil.

Optional:

  • 1 small chopped onion
  • 1 chopped or sliced tomato

For vegetarian, substitute eggplant for chicken.

Directions:
Chop garlic finely and press, mix with mustard and vinegar and pour over chicken. Place chicken in a skillet with olive oil on low heat for 10-15 minutes until white throughout.

Cut chicken into fine slices and set aside in large bowl. Add the Caesar dressing and uncooked, rinsed spinach. Toss together until chicken, dressing and spinach are well mixed.

Add optional ingredients or spices to taste. Set a large pot on high heat, bring about three quarts of water to boil.

In a small saucepan, combine tomato and Alfredo sauces. Set on low heat. Stir occasionally until well mixed.

Spread a thin layer of sauce over the bottom of an oven-safe casserole dish. Once water is boiling, drop in the lasagna noodles, around five or six at a time. Cook until they can bend without breaking. Spread the cooked noodles in a flat row on the bottom of the casserole dish.

Spread layer of Romano cheese and sauce. Top with second layer of noodles. Add chicken and spinach layer and spread evenly. Top with parmesan cheese. Repeat layers of salad and cheese until all ingredients have been used or until desired thickness.

Top with final layer of noodles. Spread thin layer of sauce on top and pour grated mozeralla liberally over the top of the lasagna.

Bake at 300 degrees for 40-50 minutes, or until top layer is golden brown.

Serves 4-6 people.

The March of Progress: Tiberium 2006

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Thanks to the ICC, Now Crime Does Pay

Crime Bucks

Criminals and counterfeiting are one of the most expected of expected things in the history of the Universe. So, it will come as no surprise to our faithful readers that the International Criminal Congress started printing money this week.

This money, however, is not counterfeit. This fully-legitimate currency is backed by the confidence of its consumers: criminals. Counterfeiting has been a perennial issue for the International Criminal Congress. World trade in counterfeit Monies is rampant in the criminal community.

It has become difficult for thieves, murderers, mafiosi, drug smugglers and the like to trust one another with so many fake Monies trading hands. How can an otherwise law-abiding arms smuggler sell weapons to a band of mountain renegades if he can’t be sure the Monies used are legitimate? He certainly cannot turn around and ask the International Currency Council for a refund, no sir.

Enter Bernard “Skull” Jones: hit man, confidence trickster, and ICC President. Mr. Jones examined the situation and decided to abandon ICC Monies altogether. He came up with the idea of the ICC printing its own money and after some mumbling, the motion was passed and so Crime Cash was born.
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