Thanks to the ICC, Now Crime Does Pay

Criminals and counterfeiting are one of the most expected of expected things in the history of the Universe. So, it will come as no surprise to our faithful readers that the International Criminal Congress started printing money this week.

This money, however, is not counterfeit. This fully-legitimate currency is backed by the confidence of its consumers: criminals. Counterfeiting has been a perennial issue for the International Criminal Congress. World trade in counterfeit Monies is rampant in the criminal community.

It has become difficult for thieves, murderers, mafiosi, drug smugglers and the like to trust one another with so many fake Monies trading hands. How can an otherwise law-abiding arms smuggler sell weapons to a band of mountain renegades if he can’t be sure the Monies used are legitimate? He certainly cannot turn around and ask the International Currency Council for a refund, no sir.

Enter Bernard “Skull” Jones: hit man, confidence trickster, and ICC President. Mr. Jones examined the situation and decided to abandon ICC Monies altogether. He came up with the idea of the ICC printing its own money and after some mumbling, the motion was passed and so Crime Cash was born.

Here is how Crime Cash works: Bobby Thompson steals a television from his local New York electronics store. He takes it over to Tom Robertson, the local fence, who exchanges U.S. dollars for the television. Mr. Robertson then trades the television for cocaine with Rob Johnson the drug dealer. Mr. Johnson purchases cocaine from a Colombian drug cartel with Crime Cash he receives in exchange at the ICC bank. The cartel uses Crime Cash to buy weapons from the Belgian arms syndicate, who uses it to buy white slaves from Eastern Europe. The slavers use the currency to buy goods captured by a group of pirates
in the Andaman Straits.

The pirates in turn buy fuel from a criminal refueling depot in Australia’s Northern Territory. The depot owner buys his fuel from a trans-Pacific general-purposes smuggler who stole it from the port of San Francisco. He hired an accomplice in Oakland using Crime Cash. The accomplice pays a pimp for a night with one of his girls. The pimp gives the hooker her cut in Crime Cash. She uses the cash to pay a guy to drive her cross-country to New York, where she plans to set herself up on the straight and narrow. She is tipped off to the existence of Tom Robertson, the fence, who trades her the going exchange rate for Crime Cash to U.S. dollars. She then goes out and puts down a security deposit on a modest apartment.

“Look, with all the fake stuff flying around, how can I believe consumers are giving me the real deal for my high-quality product? Now I can be sure that when I sell pirated movies at low, wholesale prices, I’m getting paid in hard cash,” said stool pigeon Louie Vallone.

Everyone seems to agree that the new currency was the best solution and the international community seems to be standing by to see whether the virgin program breeds true. ICC exchange centers have already received their first shipments of Crime Cash. Yes, by all accounts, Crime Cash is impossible to counterfeit.