Montezuma recently became the first man to circle Lake Champlain eighty times. He owns a goat.

Dear Montezuma,

Don’t ask me how this came up, please. Which weighs more: a cubic foot of unsalted butter or a cubic foot of an adult blue whale?

Stefan Hawkwing
10th School District
Greater Derby, Derbytown
County Chippewa
U.S. Autonomous Mining Zone

Such questions, Mr. Hawkwing, which show exceeding perspicacity as relates to the Issues of the Age endow my blood with a tinge of Olympian ichor. Drinking the ambrosia of your thought has brought rarefied understanding of the times to my often ontologically challenged psyche. To offer the least-stultified view of a possible answer to your query: The pre-cooked weight of unsalted butter contains a large percentage of Impressionism, whereas adult blue whale has been found to contain, in part, large quantities of the Categorical Imperative. If you will refer to your copy of Brinson’s Scientific Measurement Tables of the Products of Movements in Thought and Art, you will find that a standard copy of Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason is almost equal in weight to Vasili Vasilyevich Vereshchagin’s “Pause in the War.” Thusly we can observe that slow evaporation would yield equal parts Impressionism and Categorical Imperative.

Dearest Montezuma Mine,

Did atheists first come from Athens?

Thomas Falconer
Bath, United Kingdom

While questions on the Creation of atheists have long been settled, their dissemination to the public at large has been, at best, desultory. The last person known to have asked this question was one Ramona A. Stone, part-time apiculturist and bar maid. The first person known to have asked this question after an answer was found (by the Honourable Sir William Kingston Kingsley Thornton), was poorly-read academic Nathan Adler. In short, the Honourable Sir William Kngston Kingsley Thornton found that atheists originated in Wichita, Kansas.

Hey Montezuma,

Way back in the 1970s there was some guy in Italy who was going to eat a whole car piece by piece. Any idea what happened to him?

Eddie “The Eagle” Belfour
Toronto, Canada

Yes.

Dear Montezuma,

When a deaf person is schizophrenic, do they hear people talking to them or do they just imagine people signing to them?

Gil-Scott Heron
Chicago, IL

Only one deaf schizophrenic exists within the continental United States. It is apparent from multiple drawings, audio recordings, etchings, paintings, performances, books, essays, web sites, letters to the editor, teletype communications, and encoded dispatches that he sees patterns in a cavalcade of imaginary lions which pervade his imagination. Furthermore, upon the onset of his dire affliction, he was instructed only to obey every third message these patterns of lions divulged to him. This causes some confusion as he obviously lost count in 1996.

Dear Montezuma,

I just started working in the maintenance and repair crew for the local power company. Love the job, but I’m having some problems with my co-workers. Like today, we just had this hole dug in the roadway the other day. I climbed down into the hole to start work on the electrical conduit that got broken. Then Gary comes over and says “Is this your first hole?” He laughed and I was humiliated. Then the other guys on the crew came over to find out what all the laughing was about and Gary told them it was my first hole. Then a kid walking down the street wanted to know what was going on and they told him it was my first hole and he joined in. Then an old lady came out of her house near where we were working and she asked what was going on and they told her it was my first hole and she let out this cackle like you wouldn’t believe. I almost started crying. How can I make my shoes
more comfortable?

Ethan Hawke
Austin, TX

You should change your name to Ian Hawke so that your initials would become IH. I find it more aesthetically pleasing. I am not positive a position with the local electric company is the best type of work for a pregnant woman and so I’m not surprised people would laugh about your first baby. People are often cruel about children. I would overrecommend bed rest for you and perhaps a nice, cooling pitcher of gin and tonics.

Dearest Montezuma,

Have you ever noticed that most people don’t look at trees? I’ve never seen anyone really take a good hard look at a tree and I wonder why. They’re very sexy, from their barky branches to their sensuous green leaves. Why don’t more people look at trees?

Onatop Flamingo
Amazing, EL

Trees really chose their evolutionary path. They stand in the sight of humanity, but are generally unnoticed for the dire consequences they sow upon humanity. From the dreaded allergens they spread constantly in any hot weather to their ability to create intense electrical fields around automobiles, trees are a danger to humanity and must be stopped at all costs.

Dear Montezuma,

Is it Kosher to eat fish with cheese? My favorite restaurant; the Shangai Garden Kosher Taco House Buffet X-Press serves excellent perch parmesan, and I hate to miss out on it because it violates the mitzvot against meat and dairy. Surely eating fish with dairy or chicken with dairy is okay because these animals have no mammary glands and I would under no circumstance consume a chicklet in its mother’s milk.

Rabbi Armen B. Sparrow
Duluth, MN

Oh Rabbi. Shouldn’t ye know the divergent vagaries of life. While the families of fish and fowl are not at all similar to the mammalian creatures we so love to consume, they do contain the potentiality in their genes to create mammary glands and produce milk thereof. While I am not of the same religious belief as you, even I don’t eat cheeseburgers made of fish.

Dear Montezuma,

Why is it that there are two types of screwdrivers and screws? I understand that flat heads allow more instruments to be used as drivers and that Phillips heads provide easier screwing, but why are there two types? Which is best?

Alexandria Bluejay
East Katharinetowne, WD

Alex, Alex, Alex…there are four types of screwdrivers and screws. Please do some research before writing me.

Dear Montezuma,

Why do the Euopeans use such weird paper? It’s all tall and thin and useless in American fax machines, three ring binders and such. Why can’t the Europeans use regular 8.5 x 11 paper? What is wrong with that continent?

Felix Gnu
New York, NY

The Europeans are much more advanced than us. Please see their six hour work week.

Dearest Montezuma,

I hate my clothes, several boys and a ton of girls. I’d have a happy life if I did the things I like. What should I do?

Elmo Finch
Nortown, AC

Elmo, it would be best if you cleared up your acne with some sort of astringent such as witch hazel. Then you could moisturize with a combination of cocoa butter and a light margarine-vinegar mix. Should clear that problem right up.