Home Improvement Tips

For the Weekend Handyman

By Dave Glasseye


Dave Glasseye is a bio-carpenter whose specialty is building parrot enclosures for the Saudi Royal Family.

  • When installing a helipad in your backyard be sure to check with your local magistrate to ensure that your pad has the proper support buttresses for your helicopter’s weight class.
  • Building a deck can be a fun project for the weekend. Why not use wood as a deck material?
  • Hammers serve many functions; they can be used to force in nails, pry out nails, or as a weapon in your series of gruesome and senseless murders.
  • You can make a simple hot tub out of a fifty gallon drum and a propane grill.
  • It can be easy to get distracted in the middle of a project. If you do get distracted or bored with your home improvement project try watching the Michael York movie Logan’s Run. It presents a chilling vision of things to come.
  • Always be sure that you have a ratchet screwdriver on hand. We’re not sure what they do exactly, but they’re probably important.


  • Cyprus is an island in the Mediterranean divided between Greek and Turkish factions. Put this important information on a laminated card and carry it in your wallet whenever you do any work on your radiators.
  • Propane is highly flammable. Be certain to wear one of those cool silver suits if you plan to set stuff on fire.
  • According to federal regulations, all missile silos located in residential areas can only house projectiles armed with conventional explosives. Even low yield tactical nuclear weapons must be located no less than 5000 meters from a school, hospital or public library.
  • Foreign diplomats like fancy drinks like Gin and Tonics or Margaritas. Remember that when you go down to embassy row to pick up a truckload of the diplomats who hang out in front of the hardware store looking for work.
  • Although it may sound like a good idea, experts state that four is probably more refrigerators than even a morbidly obese Catholic family needs.
  • Check with the Federal Transportation Commission before trying to build a mini railroad in your living room. Wasn’t that little railroad they had on Silver Spoons cool? Didn’t you totally want one?
  • Though they may seem cool, experts agree that rubber nails are a really bad idea. The same with glass hammers and wooden anvils.


  • Building a dog house can be an excellent way to spend the weekend. The great thing about doghouses is that they don’t have to be good because dogs are stupid and don’t even know that their house is a load of crap.
  • Grout and mildew can be big problems for bathroom fixtures. Cleaners and gunpowder often fail to work so this time why not try reasoning with the mildew? Sometimes all it needs is a good talking to.
  • Installing a tropical fish tank in your bathroom will give your W.C. a regal, nouveau riche feel. If you can’t afford a fish tank, you can get the same effect by just letting an ornery octopus live in your toilet.
  • Riding lawn mowers make yard care a snap! If you don’t have a riding lawn mower you can have the same fun just by driving cars over the lawn. Be sure to tape some kitchen knives underneath to keep that grass short and clean.
  • Be sure to consult your owner’s manual for a list of user-serviceable parts. Fixing something that’s not on that list may void your house’s warranty.
  • If you’re looking for some cheap extra help with your next project check with your local zoo. You’d be surprised how quickly the average chimp can learn to use a band saw.
  • Learn at least seven new swear words, that way when you nail your hand to a board you won’t endlessly repeat the
  • same expletives.

Television Listings


Marsday, Aphros 12th Nine O’ Clock

(Post Meridian)

BBA: Bless This Mess (Comedy): Troy (Marc Trainstation) fears that he has lost his pumpkin. Belinda (Mary Sweetly) hires a group of Puerto Ricans to track it down with hilarious results.

NWA: Richmond County (Drama): Wendy (Tricia Trapdoor) and Valium (McGeorge Duphraine) decide that they are going to lose their virginity after the town’s Bacon Festival. Michael (Don Head) tells Lorrie (Erin Bee) that he was the one who had exchanged Millard Fillmore’s head for a truckload of fruit bats.

TWA: Vanity (Reality): A group of selfish, self-obsessed, vain morons battle for the right to see who can climb K2 using only three fish and an artificial heart valve replacement.

BED: Law, Order and a Retarded Chicken (Drama): Detectives stumble across a burnt, dead corpse and must find the killer before he strikes again. Meanwhile the retarded chicken pecks at a Coke can for twenty minutes.

LOGIC: Logically Determined Unsolvable Problems (Reality): Drs. Tom Baker Smith and Peter Davies Ronaldson discuss formal symbology in a raucous tea-time debate (viewer discretion advised, mild violence).

OUT: Endocrine X5 (Mini-Series): Angela Dowd (Prissy Sanders) discovers a pre-historic parasite on Alex Wall (Andrew Winston). President Armstrong (himself) is called in to solve the crisis facing humanity.

ATF: Herstorectomy (Comedy): Dal Blankenship (Warren Ellis) decides to forego oranges this week. Cassie (Marge Obush) tries to seduce him. Orange (voiced by Pete Taverdi), performs a heartwarming musical number (cc).

KPB2: Evening Business Report (News): The McNeil twins, Tricia and Heidi, report the day’s business news. This week Tricia reports from the North Pole while Heidi reports from the South Pole (in Spanish).


DDTV: Fireplanet! (SciFi): The crew of the Shenzhou XIX discover a new planet. When they land, Captain Jian Zhou Lo (Albert Ryder) discovers the surface to be made entirely of fire. In his death he radios this fact to the rest of the crew. Dr. Shin Bla Seng surmises the planet may actually be a star.

PBR: JuJuBe(Drama): Alien invaders hold Allen (Dean Johnson) hostage while Sally (J.P. Morgan) and JuJuBe (Stephen Porter) attempt to find the source of the town’s mysterious smell. Meanwhile, Chintzy (Honor Cumming), manager of Allen’s Chowder House, faces a pile of unpaid pornography bills.

V3.96: Idiot Zoo (Comedy): Crack oval inspector Annette Tombaugh (Kirsten Dunst) finds another woman’s panties in her sock drawer. Clyde (William H. Macy), her father, drinks himself into a stupor in the Sears audio-visual department while Annette’s mother, Patsy (Jane Fonda), creates the first doily capable of destroying Venice. Brother Alden (Michael Ian Black) takes a road trip across Bolivia with Sir Isaac Newton.

BACH: Bach (Music): Continued broadcast of the entire Sex Pistols catalog.

PanAm: Double Jeopardy (Game Show): Amy Wakowski is retried for the crime of larceny, despite her 1991 acquittal for the same charge.

The Ulster Channel: Nosh(Comedy): The Troop find a treasure map and rediscover Uncle Finster’s old dentures which had been stolen by a frightening squid. Sal (Dustin Diamond) forgets to wear pants on Silly Pants Day down at the methadone clinic.

U238: Crime and Punishment: (Drama): Detective Spoon (Maurice Yap) finds a hat that once belonged to Czar Nicholas I. Officer Gravel (Lauren Skala) steals a helicopter in an attempt to discover the secret of what makes Manwhiches so tasty.

The Herstory Channel: Secrets of the Nazi Bread (Documentary): New information is revealed about Hitler’s private stash of pumpernickel, rye, whole wheat toast and possibly even challah. Special musical guest: Linkin Park.

MUD:In Search of Crossword Puzzles (Documentary): Leonard Nimoy looks through the daily papers and examines the crossword puzzles only to get stuck on #26 Across: 8 letters, journey through space, TV show.


REM: A Hospital (Drama): While Dr. Domicile (Lou Whorey) insults various injured persons, the other doctors attempt to diagnose a case of Legionnaire’s Disease that has overcome a high school drama class. Dr. Abby Lockheart (Maura Tierny) remains strangely alluring.

XYZ: Battlezone Omega(Science Fiction): Commander Zim (Tim Conway) must go into the heart of the enemy fortress in order to find a cure for a deadly plague that has been wiping out the penguin colonists of Wonton III. Evil Princess Yizkiz (Audrey Hepburn) attempts to stop him with her army of yodeling mice.

WP: Buffy the Zeppelin Pilot: (Drama): Buffy (Sarah-Mitchel-Gregor-Prince Jr.) realizes Spike (James McMasters) is under a spell which causes him to turn into a Sopwith Camel. Xander (Czar Nicholas II) and Willow (Allyson Hamburg) fight to the death to see who will get the larger portion of a tasty key lime pie.

UPS: Death Before Dollars (Game Show): Three Japanese samurai choose honor and glory in death over wonderful cash prizes and an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.

AMPM: The Life of Riley (Drama): Riley (Superman) is framed for the murder of Mr. Caruthers (Aquaman). Kylie (Batman) must decide which disinfectant works better while Old Man Johnson (Wonder Woman) continues growing chickens on the battery farm.

MATM: Porkpie (Drama): Jennifer (Sassy Rubin) discovers she’s pregnant by feed store proprietor Jim Lemmings (Henry Alister). She gets an abortion at Dr. William’s clinic. Everyone cries about it.

VIB: Furbles (Comedy): The Furbles discover a new continent populated by primitive hunter-gatherer peoples. They soon bring death and destruction to the populace, incinerating thousands with the Cotton Candy Ray and Happy Fun Gun. Guest-starring Janet Reno as Count Zreebus and that kid from E.T.: The Extraterrestrial as Elbert.

RJR: The Smoke Files (Documentary): The R.J. Reynolds Corporation brings this smashing account of lobbying intrigue to television exposing the lies of anti-smoking campaigns across the globe (while introducing it’s new cigarette brand, Sharky). Mario Van Peebles hosts.

WPC: Go to Jail (Comedy): Jimmy Two Legs (Simon Wheeler) takes a less-than-friendly bodily intrusion from Mix Master Murder (MC Cuban). Child molester and home repair guru Peter Emanuel (John Redfern) discovers a way out of the prison. Warden Warden (Don Rickles) can’t seem to find his paper clips today.

IPC: The Bible (Documentary): Using archival footage, Dr. Samuel Brodenstein shows the glory of God’s creation of the Universe.

The Thank You Channel: Thank You (Reality): This week, thank yous from Kentucky.

KPB: The World of Rocks (Documentary). An exciting exploration of the several types of rocks found in Kalisotta Dairy Queen parking lots. Michael Palin (Terry Jones) touches a few of the rocks with a wet stick.


LNRW: Dakota is Bester (Reality): This week, billionaire heiress Dakota Bester invents a magnesium cupric-sulfide compound deemed by so-called experts to be impossible. Pal Lucy Borden rewires New York City, creating a more electrically efficient metropolis and saving the government billions of dollars annually.

A Sacrificial Tomato, Part III

by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson

Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.
Part I
Part II

Opened in the Land Rush of 1889
Oklahoma is known as home of the “Yield” sign
Born of Clinton Riggs, in Tulsa it was tested
For making autos yield, it’s never been bested

Oregon, Oregon is rainy, cold and bleak
You tire of the pine trees in about a week
Honestly, it’s boring, nothing to do or see
Next year I’ll go to summer camp in Tennessee

Pennsylvania is the birthplace of our mighty nation
Many years ago, they signed the Declaration
Gettysburg, the turning point in the Civil War
And Yuengling gives us lager, black-and-tans and more

Platha, the Iron State, is chock full of mountains
The capital, Pylon’s, well known for its fountains
Run by godless commies, the state bird’s the vulture
It is the only state without agriculture

Ponderada’s cows are the finest to be had
Yet their local peaches are flavorless and bad
“Providence is Golden” is Ponderada’s song
And their Chikchaw Canyon is narrow and quite long

Lone and dusty are the endless Pueblon trails
For inspiration Gilford’s Crater never fails
The Stallions tend to rule the U.S. soccer fields
Miners’ Concourse has got the highest bauxite yields

Oh, Rhode Island and the Providence Plantations
It’s the smallest state of any in the nation
Although it’s really teeny, you should not be phased
For in this state my old friend Pat Walsh, he was raised

The port of Charleston bustles with ships and boats
In sweet Columbia the legislature votes
Wacky Wayne’s has fire works of all shapes and kinds
SRS is where plutonium gets refined

South Dakota’s home of the Mount Rushmore faces
Type of thing that’s not seen in too many places
Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln
Leave you awed and toward patriotic thoughts thinkin’

Home to Oak Ridge and Memphis and the music of Nashville
Tennessee has no Malaysians, import them they will
Known for its rivers, its mountains and ridges
Walking in its forests, you might pick up midges


Texas is bigger than Belgium or France
Its people wear only the best cowboy pants
Once a republic it was humbled with haste
In the Alamo Davy Crocket was made into paste

Home to some Mormons, the State of Utah
Each person there has a ma and a pa
Exporting fireflies is of utmost import
Appellate jurisdiction’s in the 10th District Court

Vermont’s like New Hampshire, except right side up
It’s main import is lasers and the occasional cup
Makers of syrup, they hire some dwarves
Along Lack Champlain there are numerous wharves

Home to ol’ T.J. and the tobacco what’s in ya’
Part of D.C. was made from Virginia
First of the colonies, it’s a large commonwealth
What it lacks in flamingoes it makes up for in stealth

Washington’s often confused with D.C.
The Columbia River flows straight to the sea
Once home to Boeing, makers of planes
Seattle’s the city where each day it rains

West Dakota is centered on the Paris of the Pines
Katharinetowne’s industry works overtime
Machinery of battle and the country’s best cloth
Made by decendants of one three-toed sloth

West Virginia was illegally created
By Abraham Lincoln whose blood-thirst wasn’t sated
That man hated freedom, and Lady Liberty
Suspender of habeas corpus, evil was he

I love Wisconsin and its fabled cheese
I can sleep with its women, they are loose and at ease
They’ll do you with gusto, they’ll do you with vim
They’ll never fail to let you put that penis right in

And last is Wyoming, as in all such things
It’s got several mines and produces much string
Wide and real empty, like the moons of Uranus
Its comedians are poor, but is squareness sustains us

We’ve counted the states from sixty to one
The Unites States’ are more grand than the Sun
You might burn up one of ‘em its citizens will fly
But the states of the Union are as stars in they sky

Award-winning author H.G. Peterson holds the world’s record for winning the Nobel Prize. He has won twice for Economics, four times for Literature, seventeen times for Chemistry, once for Physics, once for Medicine, eight times for Applied Radio-Zoology, once for Industry and thrice for Peace. With thirty-seven prizes under his belt he easily beats closest competitor, Tawny Kitaen, who only won twenty eight. H.G. Peterson also enjoys boating, novels and long walks on the beach. Currently, he resides in the Great State of New York (The Empire State) where he spends time with his children and his grandchildren and his illegitimate children. Currently,
he is considering a 2008 Presidential run.

A Sacrificial Tomato, Part II

by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson

Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.
Part I

I often dream of my old Kentucky home
Where upon the blue grass I once was free to roam
Throw down some money on the favorite horse of yours
At that there Derby after you finish your chores

Louisiana, a state full of whores and drunks
New Orleans, the city, was waiting to be sunk
After that the jazz and the Mardi Gras can’t die
They’ll just move to Baton Rouge and hey, so will I

Maine was made famous by the author Steven King
He writes about horror, death and that sort of thing
Carrie she gets covered with the blood from a pig
But boy those Maine lobsters sure are tasty and big

Once a Catholic colony, Maryland is cool
Baltimore to Grace, if you hate it you’re a fool
Annapolis is where the sailors all learn how
To tell the difference between the stern and bow

Chances are that if you live in Massachusetts
You might not like the state’s nickname Taxachusetts
For president they had that good old JFK
No one from there can get elected today

Michigan, Michigan it’s a state shaped like a hand
Home to Eminem, Prince, and all those Motown bands
Detroit was once the place where they made a lot of cars
Now it’s just Rust Belt, but at least there’s no SARS

What can you say about the state Minnesota?
It’s citizens enjoy corn, ham, and orange soda
Unlike all those others, it’s the 12th biggest state
And about that there fact there can be no debate

Yes, good Old Ol’ Miss shares its name with the river
Gave us Elvis, who would swing his hips and dither
Of course it is most famous for its racist scene
They were rather late in ratifying Thirteen.

Oh Missouri, hell yes, it is the Show Me state
You can ship things to Missouri, first class or freight
In Saint Louis there’s a great shining upturned “U”
And Truman, their boy, he was in the Klan (Klux Ku).

Yellowstone Park is the best thing in Montana
I wish I could go there with rocker Santana
Just south of Billings was the last stand of Custer
The bitterroot, yes, is the state flower, buster


In Montsylvania you’ll find shining Bestoria
Beacon of capitalism, the merchants will whore ya
Borden once came here, he hated it so
So after a Friday he said “Let’s just go.”

Panhandle and curve Nebraska sits in the plains
Home to Kool-Aid that old cause of tooth pains
The name mean’s flat water, which might sound quite strange
In Hastings and Columbus they sing “Home on the Range”

Nevada has little to offer the traveling man
It’s full of rocks and canyons, and heating hardpan
You won’t find entertaining or really much ado
All you get for visiting is a hole in your shoe

New Hampshire’s in the northeast and its people do frown
It looks like Vermont, but turned upside down
The first of the primaries is held here quadrennially
Few Shi’ites live here because they do follow Ali

Resting place of Buddah, New Highland’s serene
The men are the hardiest, the women are keen
Known for Chinese food and landlocked shipwrecks
New Highland’s the American capital of sex

Clean and inviting, New Jersey loves all
From filthy panhandler to gangster gun moll
The flowers are pretty, the smells are the best
Only in Jersey will your spirit find rest

I hate New Mexico, it was stolen from Mexico
Thanks James K. Polk, you filthy, fat gringo
Not neat like Arizona, full of sand like Yemen
Just one quick peek sparks delirium tremens

New York has a city, the hallowed Albany
Whose residents hoist bunting and sing so merrily
Some people think the capital is storied Buffalo
Excelsior gets the people riled, the official state motto

The state of North Carolina takes a long time to drive
You’ll pass Pilot Mountain, at Cape Fear you’ll dive
Party in Charlotte, get educated in Raleigh
Of the sixty states, this one’s most jolly

A North Dakotan insulted my mother, one winter day
I pushed him and shoved him and rolled him in hay
Tom Daschle is from here, I feel sorry for him
He’s looking quite haggard, in need of a trim

The Cuyahoga’s known to burn on through the night
But we’re not here to cast Ohio in bad light
From Columbus, to Cleveland, and through Dayton too
The Buckeye State is perfect for me and you

Part III