by H.G. Peterson
Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.
Part I
I often dream of my old Kentucky home
Where upon the blue grass I once was free to roam
Throw down some money on the favorite horse of yours
At that there Derby after you finish your chores
Louisiana, a state full of whores and drunks
New Orleans, the city, was waiting to be sunk
After that the jazz and the Mardi Gras can’t die
They’ll just move to Baton Rouge and hey, so will I
Maine was made famous by the author Steven King
He writes about horror, death and that sort of thing
Carrie she gets covered with the blood from a pig
But boy those Maine lobsters sure are tasty and big
Once a Catholic colony, Maryland is cool
Baltimore to Grace, if you hate it you’re a fool
Annapolis is where the sailors all learn how
To tell the difference between the stern and bow
Chances are that if you live in Massachusetts
You might not like the state’s nickname Taxachusetts
For president they had that good old JFK
No one from there can get elected today
Michigan, Michigan it’s a state shaped like a hand
Home to Eminem, Prince, and all those Motown bands
Detroit was once the place where they made a lot of cars
Now it’s just Rust Belt, but at least there’s no SARS
What can you say about the state Minnesota?
It’s citizens enjoy corn, ham, and orange soda
Unlike all those others, it’s the 12th biggest state
And about that there fact there can be no debate
Yes, good Old Ol’ Miss shares its name with the river
Gave us Elvis, who would swing his hips and dither
Of course it is most famous for its racist scene
They were rather late in ratifying Thirteen.
Oh Missouri, hell yes, it is the Show Me state
You can ship things to Missouri, first class or freight
In Saint Louis there’s a great shining upturned “U”
And Truman, their boy, he was in the Klan (Klux Ku).
Yellowstone Park is the best thing in Montana
I wish I could go there with rocker Santana
Just south of Billings was the last stand of Custer
The bitterroot, yes, is the state flower, buster
In Montsylvania you’ll find shining Bestoria
Beacon of capitalism, the merchants will whore ya
Borden once came here, he hated it so
So after a Friday he said “Let’s just go.”
Panhandle and curve Nebraska sits in the plains
Home to Kool-Aid that old cause of tooth pains
The name mean’s flat water, which might sound quite strange
In Hastings and Columbus they sing “Home on the Range”
Nevada has little to offer the traveling man
It’s full of rocks and canyons, and heating hardpan
You won’t find entertaining or really much ado
All you get for visiting is a hole in your shoe
New Hampshire’s in the northeast and its people do frown
It looks like Vermont, but turned upside down
The first of the primaries is held here quadrennially
Few Shi’ites live here because they do follow Ali
Resting place of Buddah, New Highland’s serene
The men are the hardiest, the women are keen
Known for Chinese food and landlocked shipwrecks
New Highland’s the American capital of sex
Clean and inviting, New Jersey loves all
From filthy panhandler to gangster gun moll
The flowers are pretty, the smells are the best
Only in Jersey will your spirit find rest
I hate New Mexico, it was stolen from Mexico
Thanks James K. Polk, you filthy, fat gringo
Not neat like Arizona, full of sand like Yemen
Just one quick peek sparks delirium tremens
New York has a city, the hallowed Albany
Whose residents hoist bunting and sing so merrily
Some people think the capital is storied Buffalo
Excelsior gets the people riled, the official state motto
The state of North Carolina takes a long time to drive
You’ll pass Pilot Mountain, at Cape Fear you’ll dive
Party in Charlotte, get educated in Raleigh
Of the sixty states, this one’s most jolly
A North Dakotan insulted my mother, one winter day
I pushed him and shoved him and rolled him in hay
Tom Daschle is from here, I feel sorry for him
He’s looking quite haggard, in need of a trim
The Cuyahoga’s known to burn on through the night
But we’re not here to cast Ohio in bad light
From Columbus, to Cleveland, and through Dayton too
The Buckeye State is perfect for me and you
I thought “rolling in the hay” was a euphimism for sexual intercourse (i.e. “I want to roll with her in the hay”, “my dad, in his latent homosexuality, rolls with other men in the hay”, etc).
Perhaps that’s what it means in whatever strange fairy land you come from, but ’round North Dakota way, they’re a mite bit cleaner than you folk.