by H.G. Peterson
Is his most epic work yet, the world’s greatest poet H.G. Peterson brings you “A Sacrificial Tomato,” his look at at our nation, the United States of America.
The United States goes from sea to shining sea
It is stuffed full of bald eagles, flags and the free
Those sixty states are filled with wonder and glory
So now here in verse you shall hear all their stories
Accadia of the states; comes first alphabetically
It also comes first if you list them aesthetically
Its gulf coast is such a beauty for one to behold
And its Indian Mounds are so numerous and old
Of all the sixty states, I like Alabama best
Because it’s so much cooler than any of the rest
I so love its cities from Tuscaloosa to Mobile
In that town Huntsville you can see rocket ships for real
Oh, Alaska, much like space, is the final frontier
It’s got glaciers, forest and so many elk and deer
If Alaska doesn’t wow you, you’re rather callous
C’mon, my friend it’s got the Aura Borealis
Though it borders Canada, Algonqua is quite neat
At Fort Jones the Green Berets train to be elite
It’s borax mines are deep and its waterfalls are high
And it’s where they invented that treat beaver pie
Arizona is best known as the home of canyon grand
Though there are many other neat things across this land
Like those there Phoenix Suns who play basketball with skill
Or Johnny McCain who’s in the Senate passing bills
President Bill Clinton hung his hat in Arkansas
Little Rock is the capital, there they make the laws
They’ve got cardboard boat races and watermelon fest
And in college sports the Razor Backs are nearly the best
Yes, California to earthquakes is often linked
Once the Bear Flag Republic, now those bears are extinct
It’s got that gay San Francisco and smog-filled L.A.
And that Golden Gate Bridge stretching way across the bay
Colorado, the Columbine State, is the place to be
If it is the Rocky Mountains that you wish to see
Southpark and Mork and Mindy took place in this State
Stadium’s mile high, no need to exaggerate
The Constitution State of Connecticut is small
In just half an hour you could walk across it all
Really rich New Yorkers call Connecticut their place
That’s its only real reason for being, in this case
Yes, Delaware is owned by the DuPont company
Its only other purpose is credit cards you see
Incorporating there is an option you can take
If you want to avoid tax laws for your business’ sake
Elizabethia is quaint and full of wolverines
The Shadow State is known for its wide soup terrines
Seventeen duchies work together for gain
Where the Eastern Seaboard was settled by Spain
Home to those gators, Florida is low
With swamps and swimmers and grasses to mow
The state stretches north far as the eye can see
From round Lake Oscala to grand Tallahassee
Georgia’s state bird is the annoying brown thrasher
It’s only state utensil is the lowly potato masher
It’s had three capitals and Sherman’s great march
Its businessmen’s collars are stiffened with starch
The State of Hawaii was settled by Polynesians
It’s lacking in fir trees and Polish Silesians
Volcanic islands are the base of the land
Its beaches composed of volcanic black sand
The famed Patty Duke is a known Idahoan
Idaho’s brown potatoes keep growin’ and growin’
the cities of Moscow, Chubbuck and Coeur d’ Alene
Were settled by settlers with the harshest of pain
Illinois was created in the image of God
Founded by the ancients from a black metal rod
The mystical energies used by those in the know
Send pixies and ogres around to and fro
Among the greatest wastings of space
Indiana lacks mountains, but has that damn race
The greatest export it has is the soybean
Its residents, Hoosiers, are well-known to be mean
Iowa is made of interstate highways
Americans can see it from coast-to-coast flyways
A lot of Iowans are of the Catholic faith
So euthanasia is outlawed, abortionists aren’t safe
A monument to progress, Kalisotta’s become
With outhouses for all, and electricity for some
The huge Kalisotta River churns with much power
While the state’s purple lemons are the most sour
Can’t say much about Kansas as I’ve not been there
I bet some of them are covered in hair
It might have two senators, it might have a route
The fat people there could be a bit stout
Dear Axes & Alleys,
As a native Kansan, I would like to express my gratitude for your inclusion of Kansas in “A Sacrificial Tomato, Part 1.” You were correct in your assumption that some of us “are covered in hair.” We certainly are! And again, you were right on the money with “it might have a route.” I know this because I take a route every other day when I fetch firewood for Ma. So once more, thank you for mentioning my state in your poem, I welcome any publicity that distracts future-tourists from this stagnant, taupe-colored nightmare I call home.
Sincerely,
Andrew910
P.S. – I have yet to receive any candid photos of people getting lucky, but I will keep you posted.