On Sporks

Sporks: Behold the Glorious Future
by Dave Hinge
Dave Hinge

Dave Hinge is the Director of the International Sandwich Institute. His latest offering is the tome Revising Basic Sandwich Theory: Projected Global Impact of the Reuben Paradigm.

Sporks are a very serious thing. While many in the public feel content to mock sporks, they are fools. The spork is perhaps the most amazing human achievement of the past two hundred and thirty-two years. Eclipsed perhaps only by the aeroplane, the spork is a matter of pure genius. It is at once a fork and a spoon, and yet it is neither.

In an age of dwindling natural resources, it is important that our consumer-driven economy conserve every bit of material. Why spend twice as much energy producing a fork and a spoon when you can produce a single spork for half the cost?

The same can be said about the popularity of the new camera-phone. For years, going back to the nineteenth century, people have been craving a contraption which is both a camera and a phone. Now they have it and now we need not waste our precious metals and plastics on producing just phones or just cameras. We have camera-phones and we have sporks.

How glorious.


Hopefully new conservation-minded products will be on the horizon. Perhaps today some plucky young scientist is working on a rake-frying pan. Fry eggs and rake your leaves with only one instrument. No more searching through the kitchen or garage when you need to proper tool. Or the bottle opener-iron lung; another wonderful idea which will save countless dollars. Maybe the bicycle-sombrero won’t be too far off; I can foresee a wondrous future where you can ride your hat to work. Just after that scientists will invent the photo album-gargoyle. It’s a gargoyle, perfect for any gothic decoration on your castle, but it also holds and displays photographs of your loved ones. What about a combination between a coffin and chewing gum? That would be perfect for any occasion. And let’s not forget the ironing board-rowboat or the cigarette lighter-Persian rug or the all important dueling pistol-wheelbarrow.

For each combination we cut our society’s waste and pollution in half. So the next time you see a neat two-in-one product make sure you purchase it. Not for yourself, but for your children, and your children’s children and for those people’s planet’s future.


From the Desk of Publisher Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge
Utterances of an Opinionated Nature from the Publisher of Axes & Alleys

Sir Lionell Buxton Humbridge

Dave Nancyboie
Republicrat Party Candidate

Hector McGinty
Blue Party Candidate

McGinty Poor Choice for West Dakotans

Today this pre-processed external memory module must protest the vile candidacy of one Hector McGinty. Mr. McGinty, if he can be named as such, is running for the West Dakota Congressional District 589 seat in Congress. We find his platform of honesty, integrity and gravy to be reprehensible. Specifically, the gravy portions of his campaign.

That gravy could be cheaply and speedily distributed to peoples of all classes in a timely fashion at minimal cost is absurd and insulting. Does Mr. McGinty, a filthy semblance of a man of Ecuadorean descent, truly believe that such class-baiting vitriol on the subject of gravy is truly a cohesive campaign platform which will bring his constituents together? We think not.

Mr. McGinty’s gravy policies will only hurt West Dakota, the Nation and greater portions of Outer Mongolia. This publication says “no” to Hector McGinty*. We must instead officially back Republicrat Candidate Dave Nansyboie, a great West Dakotan who believes in everything for which this publication stands.

*This publication will, however, take Mr. McGinty’s money in exchange for ad placement.

Mr. Conan Doyle
Shamelessly and openly named Arthur.

Children Named Arthur a Nuisance

While we agree that most children are nuisances, we at Axes & Alleys have come to the conclusion, through logic and careful use of intellect, that children named Arthur are a supreme nuisance in society today. Forthwith, we call for the extermination of all current entities under the age of 15 who have been de-ennobled by their parents with the horrible moniker of Arthur.

Furthermore, we implore the State House Grepublindecrat leadership to pass S.H.B. 1327, banning the affixation of the name Arthur to all birth certificates, driver’s licenses, credit cards, social security identifications, student visas, passports and other official or official looking certificates.

Failure to follow through with our plan will quite likely result in the death of society as a whole and the diminution of our great State. Soon we may be only a society of Arthurs, blandly tossed about by a cold wind of indifference.