The March of Progress December 2005

It’s Not Easy Being Green: Lovely young trendnik Emily Lancing shows off her brand new photosynthesizing skin.

From Maine to California there’s a new trend that’s growing more popular with the kids. More and more teenagers and twenty-somethings are getting chloroplasts implanted in their epidermal cells.

Chloroplasts, the organelle which enable photosynthesis in autotrophic organisms, allow humans to go months without eating, provided they inhale plenty of carbon dioxide (CO2) and ingest copious quantities of water (H20).

“Oh yeah, it’s great, I don’t even have to eat. My cells just make their own food. It’s deck, dude, totally deck,” said a man to which we spoke. “Everyone’s green. Green’s the way, dude.”

While green may be moving toward increased popularity in urban centers, some scientists are skeptical of the long term benefits of chloroplast implantation.

“We don’t yet know the long term effects of chloroplast implantation,” stated Dr. Julia Killian of the hospital.

Either way, more and more people are enjoying engaging in photosynthesis. “It’s cool,” said Chance, one young trendnik. “I can totally form glucose. I’m not shackled by the cellular respiration chains anymore. Adenosine triphosphate is for losers. Glucose is the new future, man.”