by Stemdrin Moltopney
Exarch of the Moltopney Groceries chain and famous candy striper.
The key to crushing your enemies is to strike them swiftly where it hurts most, where it will cause the most agony, the most confusion and the most sweet, sweet revenge. Follow these steps and YOU WILL WIN!
Thirty Steps to Victory!
- place an ice cube on a pillow next to the ear of a sleeping enemy
- sign up your nemesis for home-improvement junk mail
- disable the 3 button on your arch-fiend’s calculator
- purchase Girl Scout® cookies in their name
- change the timer on their automated lawn sprinkling system
- take page 5 out of their daily-delivered newspaper
- release aphid swarms in their pumpkin patch
- dull the bastard’s steak knives
- send them flowers with a note containing coarse language
- turn up the furnace boiler by two degrees
- replace a favourite record with an exact duplicate missing one song
- inject hot sauce into their milk containers with a syringe
- remove vanadium from all periodic table references they use
- organize a party and don’t invite them
- exchange their ice cubes for Hammond’s H2Woah!
- leave a stack of restaurant flyers under their door
- cut all of their rubber bands in half
- hire a clown to follow them honking a horn
- put campaign stickers on their car in a non-election year
- disable all cable reception
- hold a bake sale opposing them
- follow them in a taxi
- send them a letter inviting them to the United Nations
- set fire to the logs in their fireplace
- put holes in their car tarpaulin
- report them to the Better Business Bureau