Crushing Your Enemies

by Stemdrin Moltopney
Exarch of the Moltopney Groceries chain and famous candy striper.

The key to crushing your enemies is to strike them swiftly where it hurts most, where it will cause the most agony, the most confusion and the most sweet, sweet revenge. Follow these steps and YOU WILL WIN!

Saint Michael and the Devil

Thirty Steps to Victory!

  1. place an ice cube on a pillow next to the ear of a sleeping enemy
  2. sign up your nemesis for home-improvement junk mail
  3. disable the 3 button on your arch-fiend’s calculator
  4. purchase Girl Scout® cookies in their name
  5. change the timer on their automated lawn sprinkling system
  6. take page 5 out of their daily-delivered newspaper
  7. release aphid swarms in their pumpkin patch
  8. dull the bastard’s steak knives
  9. send them flowers with a note containing coarse language
  10. turn up the furnace boiler by two degrees
  11. replace a favourite record with an exact duplicate missing one song
  12. inject hot sauce into their milk containers with a syringe
  13. remove vanadium from all periodic table references they use
  14. organize a party and don’t invite them
  15. exchange their ice cubes for Hammond’s H2Woah!
  16. leave a stack of restaurant flyers under their door
  17. cut all of their rubber bands in half
  18. hire a clown to follow them honking a horn
  19. put campaign stickers on their car in a non-election year
  20. disable all cable reception
  21. hold a bake sale opposing them
  22. follow them in a taxi
  23. send them a letter inviting them to the United Nations
  24. set fire to the logs in their fireplace
  25. put holes in their car tarpaulin
  26. report them to the Better Business Bureau
  27. The Last Judgement

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