Advertisements (Classified): November 2003

For Sale:
16 lbs. of carrot food. Great tasting, your carrots are guaranteed to eat up this fine and nutritious meal. Call Joe Strebling an asshole.

For Sale:
Two energy levels of six energy level electron shell. $7 or best offer. Sorry, all shells filled randomly. Contact Stephen H. at 734-1862.

Wanted:
Amateur garden hose roller for retirement home community. Must have experience rolling hoses of all ages, ranging from rubber to plastic sheathed mylar fabric. Washer assembly knowledge a plus. $6.25/hr plus meals. Eldritch Home for the Hose, 1635 Weatherby Way, Quonset, NT

For Rent:
Blue Bic Roller Ball pen, with cap. 35 cents per diem. Gary, 225-7625.

For Sale:
Pewter coaster set. 613 pewter coasters representing one Mosaic law each. Keeping the covenant of G-d has never been so easy. Yankel Schermberg of the Hebrew Mint would be happy to take your order at 877-343-1600. Ask for Yankel!

Lost and Found:
One thimble, nine pennies and a carburetor cap. Email Beaufort with description: beaufort@mettle.net.

18″ TV set. Stolen from 634 Resident Way, Apt. 4B. Call Elbert.

14 pages of manuscript found in 17th century boarding house, Stratford-on-Avon, UK. No reward necessary.

Wanted:
Meaning and substance in my life. If in possession, please mail, postage paid, to 7000 Borough Ln. Bactria.

For Sale:
One U.S. Mint Printing Press. $75. No questions asked.

For Sale:
Floss once used by Hoegarth, prince of Batvaria and other items of interest. Dr. Kamel ibn Schneezer: 442-4018

Wanted:
Broken fishing reel for display purposes only. Send to Cardinal Du Noryer, Papal Palace, Avignon.

For Sale:
Two craters and a mare on the Moon. 6th generation owner wishes to sell. 756-1818

For Rent:
Two cubic feet of space. $55.95 plus tax. Atmosphere and ecology extra. Maintenance fee applicable in Texas and New Jersey. Absolutely no refunds. Write Jerry: P.O. Box 1525 Maldoral, Dry Michigan 11119

For Sale:
43 consecutive editions of Norman Falls Herald Tribune Intelligencer Columbiad Trident Daily Newspaper. Range from 1765 to 2003. Almost mint condition. See our ad in the Sunday Herald Tribune Intelligencer Columbiad Trident D.

For Sale:
Left toe of child. Child included. 652-1850

Wanted:
Six women for art exhibit. Will perform various sexual acts in front of colour digital camera in home-made love nest for the sake of art. Only moody, artsy, young women who are pretty need apply. Email trent: trent@fullofshit.com

For Sale:
One metric tonne of soil. Only available as stationary plot. Must be liable for contractual responsibility towards plot. Plot may not be moved, farmed or used in any fashion. Call Anthony Purcell at 789-1234

For Consumption:
Tin dinars from 1893. Rare vintage. Good quality. Never touched by Arabs. Touch a neighbour for safety. 335-3333

For Sale:
Any object between 16th street and 18th street or best offer. Mayor’s Office, Lantham.

Wanted:
Someone to lean on for cash, living quarters and board. No experience necessary. Steve’s your man. 744-1862

Wanted:
Please leave me alone. I no longer wish to have your company and your presence is disruptive. Go away now. Amy.

For Sale:
Carbunkle that resembles actor James Earl Jones. Free hover craft cover included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1

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