A Special Editorial on the Subject of Those Things Which Are Known as Weights for Papers


I want to paste old macaroni to construction paper and create a useless piece of crap and call it art. If no one will buy it and the critics crucify me, then I’ll call it a paperweight, which is basically a useless piece of crap, purchased as a gift for those who we assume have problems with open windows, or rather the drafts of wind which blow through them, blowing away important papers.

Or perhaps we assume that paper, through sheer will power, will somehow hurl itself across the room unless obstructed by a weight of some sort. A paperweight would be useless to prevent poltergeists from moving paper, because the poltergeist would simply move the paperweight and then freely move the unweighted paper.

Sometimes however, paperweights are not purchased, rather they are constructed from materials found in close proximity to a home or school. Everyday objects such as rocks, paint and glue can be used as a cheap substitute for expensive, store bought, felt lined, wooden paperweights with interesting names like “Executive Desk Paper Misdistribution Control Unit.”

While I would usually refrain from the use of paperweights, if I were having a terrible
problem with the loss of papers due to wind, papers which I had intended to keep in a rather organized manner, I would prefer a fancy paperweight over a poorly painted rock manufactured by hyperactive six-year-olds when their teacher got tired of their annoying blatter and gave them some busy work to do.

These cheap facsimiles of the real thing cannot compare with the quality work done by the people who work in many of the paperweight manufacturing centers across our great land of freedom and opportunity. Although I’ve never seen or heard of one, I assume that paperweight factories have to exist because all paperweights must have their genesis.

Someone in an age long past had to say one day “My papers keep blowing away. If only I could place a heavy object on them to prevent them from blowing away. Why this rock here would work, but it is so bland and unattractive. Perhaps if I have a small child paint it with glitter and pasta. Yes, this will end all of my problems, yes, this is the answer which I seek. I shall mass produce these weights for paper and sell them to everyone. Everyone who has a problem with paper misdistribution, that is. And I shall call these weights for paper, Paper Weights. This is the answer to all of life’s problems!”

Who was this man? He is probably dead and nowhere to be found today, but I believe in my heart that he did speak in a strong Yorkshire accent and no one can ever make me believe differently.


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