Pearls of Wisdom

Pearls of Wisdom
from the Reverend Wolfpatty

The Reverend Johnathan Wolfpatty delivers rousing sermons on the nature of fire and brimstone each Sunday at the lovely First Church of Christ’s Gaping Bloody Wounds in downtown Stovepipe, New Higland, USA.


Not long ago, I found myself at the drugstore, when, as should happen, I stumbled into the women’s personal hygiene section and noticed a particular item, which, had until then escaped my notice.

The item in question is a product known as a “panty liner,” or sanitary napkin. Now apparently, during specific time periods of the lunar cycle, the mucus and blood lining of a woman’s uterus is flushed from the body in a process known as the “menses.” This biological waste material is expunged from the woman’s vagina, where, when a sanitary napkin is not properly employed, it stains the woman’s undergarments. If it is a particularly heavy flow, it may in fact stain her outer garments as well. This is an unfortunate circumstance.

Now, this is a lot like God and how God protects us from sin. You see, sin is like this menstrual blood, it stains us with its presence. But God’s grace is a sanitary napkin, a panty liner for our soul. So, my fellow God-fearing Christians, I implore you, to each day, put on your holy pad, and protect yourself from the frothy crimson flow of sin. When God is your panty liner, your pants stay clean, and your soul will be white as a Cracker’s skin. Praise Jesus, and read your Bible every day. Thank you.

Guide to Monkeys

Poetry by the Great H.G. Peterson


by H.G. Peterson

H. G. Peterson is a leading member of the Masters of the Illuminati,
the secret organization which governs the affairs of international
diplomacy, war, and world-wide commercial markets. He is also an
avid croquet player and enjoys listening to gramophone recordings.

H.G. Peterson’s Guide to Monkeys

(For Her Majesty Queen Victoria)

Monkeys are funny and covered with fuzz
Wear a red shiny fezz, each monkey does
If you mess with a monkey, they look sternly and say
“Monkey no like you, now you go away”

With fury and rage and anger misplaced
The monkeys dance ’round, then hop on your face
Then one monkey jumps up, his teeth give a shine
And he takes a big bite out of your spleen and your spine

Then they all hop aboard, they pound on their chests
Hammers they pull, from their red monkey vests
They rip the flesh from your bones with a murderous haste
Hammers pounding your body into thick muddy paste

Monkey looks down at you, and the monkey he say
“Fuck you, you giant prick!”

How Airplanes Work


Everyone loves airplanes, but now you can learn how these wonderous craft cruise through the various skies.

An A&A Scienconomy Report:
On the Nature of Aeroplane-Craft

By Ulf Goltschleer, resident scienconomist and inventor of the two-way telescope

Although the Zeppelin Brand Rigid-Frame Air Ships remain the most popular form of atmospheric perambulation, aeroplane-craft are becoming more and more frequent, specifically for their use in the storming of barns and barn-like structures. Many of the public, however, do not understand the physical principles upon which these craft operate. This article shall correct that error.

The Fuselage

The fuselage is the main part of the aeroplane. Generally tubular in shape, the fuselage contains the main and auxiliary lighter-than-air bladders, as well as, in some cases, a luggage compartment. Luggage is heavier than air, unless passengers bring helium with them


Lift is generated by the wing, which uses the aerofoil concept. An aerofoil is a curved wedge shape. When air hits the aerofoil friction heats up the air around the wing, meaning the now heated air molecules move faster around the wing than normal air. As faster air begins to surround the wing it generates lift, as all air is slowly trying to get to space in order to fill up the low-pressure vacuum. Faster air moves up to space more quickly, taking the wing and the aeroplane with it. Wing flaps, located on the wings, cool the air to let the plane land, just like when you blow on hot soup to cool it off.

Aeroplane Engines

Jet engines are essentially streamlined versions of a car engine. Notice the smoke coming out of the back of a car’s exhaust? That is the same thing as when you see a jet leave a contrail across the sky. Exhaust is generated because an engine is not burning fuel efficiently. Exhaust is just left-over fuel that didn’t burn well. Car engines are very efficient and have just a little exhaust, hence why cars go only about 35mph. Jet engines are horribly inefficient and can go over 400mph, nearly three times faster than your average automobile.

Invitation to Adventure!

Join in the Adventure and explore the world’s treasures.

An Invitation to Adventurers

It may come as a surprise to many in our readership, but there are many treasures in the world today which have yet to be stolen from the mud-hewn savages of the brown skinned areas of the world and placed in museums of great import in mighty cities of Western Europe (excluding Spain) and The United States.

Thus, as a guide for Archeologicians of all parts of the Christian World, we hereby present a catologuization of relics and rarities awaiting placement in the display collections and storage spaces of British and American Museatoriums.

Each item is worth Five “points.” The person or team who first collects items totaling one hundred points wins a special prize.

1. audio or visual recording of a bum saying “silver dollar sized nipples”

2. diplomatic license plate

3. doorman’s hat

4. square bagel with everything

5. Lorne Michaels’ business card

6. Chancellor of Schools personal stationary

7. Simpsons’ “Comic Book Guy” action figure, in the package, autographed by an employee of the store Forbidden Planet

8. World Trade Center poster from any city Fire Department, double points if it says “All Gave Some, Some Gave All”

9. Mayor Bloomberg’s discarded coffee cup, signed by either the Mayor or any former Mayor or the currently standing Secretary General of the United Nations or by the Deputy Mayor

10. “Do Not Lean on Door” poster from the Grand Central/Times Square Shuttle train
Einstein was a busboy

11. name sign from Moby’s door buzzer

12. actual pot from an actual drug dealer in Washington Square Park

13. pen from sign-in sheet at Riker’s Island, double points for the actual sheet

14. velvet rope

15. photograph of yourself holding up an NYU flag in any class building at Columbia University

16. second-hand prosthetic limb

17. braille menu from LeTusse Restaurant

18. roll of toilet paper from a bathroom at the United Nations

19. photograph or video recording of a Transit Authority cop holding up a photograph of Soviet Dictator Joseph Stalin

20. piece of schist

21. candle from a cathedral

22. lost dog poster written in any non-English language

23. box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with Korean packaging

And may we say, a hearty Bon Chance to all would be expeditions. Remember, always bring along extra gurkhas. They die like flies.