Answers from Everyone’s Favorite Aztec Monarch
Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments
from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.
Montezuma: Aztec monarch and all-around
My brother Charles keeps stealing my hammer. I don’t know what he does with it, but Mother insists that I leave him alone. She says he’s different and I should accept his strange hammer usage. I say it’s my hammer and he should leave it alone. What do you think?
Pepin, Croix de la Croix, France
My dearest Pepin,
When considering the ineffable, one must take to heart the ideals of incontrovertibility inherent in any such quest of the mind. Often one can discern a pattern where others see none, or one sees no pattern where others do. In the sanctity of all life (except that of official sacrifices) there are many hidden secrets, some which may relate to hardware. I advise you to search the metaphysical and theological implications of your hammer. You will find the answer you seek there.
The local organizing committee of the Southeastern Representatives Organization is having its annual meeting as a barbecue, rather than as an official policy making body. I have railed against this again and again in the Organizational Organizing Sub-Committee, however everyone seems up for a barbecue and will hear nothing to the contrary. How can I turn them to my ideas?
My Remains Pepper Residential Exits Soiled In Deep Northern Terrain.
I kindly ask that you no longer communicate with this established column. Your vague entreaties on matters of State have no place in this column. This is why you have a Cabinet, sir. The ontological place of The Presidency has no bearing in this Nationally Famous and Syndicated journalistic endeavour. We help People, not Offices.
Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.