Classifieds: August 2003

Find Anything You Need or Sell Anything You Don’t Want With the Axes & Allies Classified Ads.

Two stroke pony with optional tail rotor included. Slightly worn, three years old, but spunky and affable. Comes with saddle, rotor oil and RNA transductor enhancement glue. £295.33 plus state taxes, import tariffs and biochemical redundancy fee. Call Steve: 995-2620

Spacious three tier toolbox. Red aluminum with steel bolts and brushed metal interior. No tools included. £9.95 per week. Call 884- 3443 and ask for Mary Ellen

Single white female. Must enjoy cold climate, ice floes, eating Eskimos and baby seals. I am an intelligent and spontaneous guy (I once attacked a surfacing U. S. submarine) who loves fishing, relaxing in a nice Arctic storm and running in fright from the flashing lights in the sky. Visit Nunavuk, Greenland and ask for Ralphi.

Look in the bulrushes. There you will find the answers you seek. Once you accept the inner sycophant, other will follow. Message 2369.

Polyurethane coating for backyard deck or decomposing bodies stored in basements. No questions asked. Ask for Tommy J at 334-3343

One sixteen litre container of high-grade polyurethane coating for backyard decks or decomposing bodies stored in basements. Available for £35.00. No questions asked. Call 992-1600 and leave a message.

Seeking robot android look-a- likes, must look like Don Knotts or Tim Conway. Will pay $50.00 or best offer. Call Eddie at 763-0973, ask for Dave.

Twenty six metric tons of goat cheese. Slightly rancid. Two free hockey pucks included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.

Super-villain seeks weapon of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, biological or nerve gas, death rays also good. Will pay top dollar. Call The Honorable Chief Justice Destructo, 113-436-9987, ext. 45.

Monarch seeks Eunuchs for organizational duties including harem guarding and chronicling. Castration and palace quarters provided. Send messenger to Xerxes. Royal Palace, Persepolis, Persian Empire.

Several packets of sugar available on a first-come, first-served basis. Sixty-three packets and they’re going fast! Available at 33 Alhambra Ave. this Saturday from 3 to midnight.

Semi-amateur home-brewmeister sells his first batch of beer. Three bottles for £12. Special discounts for large purchases.

Bugs. All kinds of bugs. Beetles, ants, bees, wasps, butterflies, spiders, pillbugs, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, bottle flies, house flies, millipedes, mantids, moths, cockroaches, weevils, tomato bugs, wormsÉ well, I know worms aren’t bugs, but I really like them. They slither and they’re slimy and stuff. Worms kind of get me off. Anyway, if you have bugs, please call Ehren at 445-BUGS.

Pumpkin roaster needed to roast a pumpkin. Must be experienced. Irish need not apply. Call Delores, 738-6975

This Saturday, the Community Farm Center of Lower Grunding presents its first annual Bacon Festival! From 11-7, see the most amazing bacon sights and bacon-related accoutrements. Ba-Co’s brand new, late-model bacon stretcher will be on display! The new left-handed coffee mugs featuring the CFC “I Heart Bacon” logo is available cheaply. There will also be a display of new plants made of a synthetic material produced from bacon fat. You can water them like real plants! Bacon Festival takes place in Shorewater Plaza Shops.

One human soul. $55 U. S. or best offer. Email Kevin: rabidpatunia at hotmail dot commercial.

Brazil. Large parcel of land in South America. Please contact Pope Pius III at The Vatican.

Local chemical plant seeks qualified quality control workers for maintenance sector reverse-entropy engineering of cubicles, silos, tubes, piping, windows, lavatories and rec room. Must have 23 years prior experience. Call the Human Resources Department at ChemCo Chemical Company. Fax resume to 477-333-6701 c/ o Chemical Carol.

Schizophrenic seeks back-alley anti-psychotic drugs. Must not be an assassin from the government, an alien spy or one of the relatives trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Meet the man in the blue trucker hat at the Waldbaum’s Bookstore in the Haberdasher Mall tomorrow at 3 PM.

A dog. 654-0098

The lamp is mine. You can’t have it.

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