Axes & Alleys: Featuring Inaccurate Mathematics!

By executive order of President Armstrong, Twilight Savings Time has been changed. This year it comes early and lasts longer, and will do so from now on. We suggest you throw a Twilight Savings Time Changeover Celebration Party on Gregor 32nd. Invite your friends and serve time-themed foods like guacamole, salted herring, or borscht. On the Jupiday immediately preceding the Marsday of the switchover bring a blunt object to work. Anything like a whiffle bat, a rock, or a rolling pin will do. This is because everyone’s workplace has that incredibly annoying person who goes around reminding everyone to “Leap Forward!” They’re all cheery and cracking jokes about losing an hour of sleep. Yeah, that’s really funny. If you forget to bring your blunt object, remember, you can just roll up this magazine and slap ‘em in the nose. That’ll show ‘em.

xoxo
Delores R. Grunion

The Gregor Cover Girl: Selma Blair

Selma Blair was born in the wonderful city of Southfield,
Michigan and later attended Kalamazoo College.

This month, we’re proud to release what is probably our best Gregor 2007 issue ever. Featuring both words and photographic images, we’re proud to share this twenty-eight page cornucopia of wonder with all the people of the world.

Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Axes & Alleys:Call a Toll-Free Number for Details!

There’s been a lot of talk lately about Global Warming, the Greenhouse Effect, the Next Ice Age, Killer Hurricanes, Dust Bowls and Nuclear Winter. Here at Axes & Alleys, we’re not worried about that all. For one, the Killer Bees will get us first. But, also because there’s a much deadlier and dangerouser threat facing humanity.

It’s called Global Fog, and it could spell the end of society, or at least the end of a society that features speedy driving. With Global Fog, you won’t be able to go more than twenty five miles per hour. The visibility would just be too reduced, you see.

So make sure you buy at least two copies of this issue to help Axes & Alleys in its quest to stop Global Fog. Together we can make a difference of some sort.

The AphrosCover Girl: Sela Ward

Sela Ward helps us all torealize that not
only can women over fifty be attractive,
they can also be cute.
Yes, we are sexist.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

These famous words can be a found in a brochure we got at Independence Hall in Philadelphia. And today, we urge you to heed these words and listen to that hallowed brochure. Yes, you should do what the brochure tells you and pursue your happiness. A great way to not only pursue happiness, but also catch it, it to check out this month’s new issue of Axes & Alleys. It features helpful hints for invading Long Island, the Historigon, our review of Telenovela Star’s new record, and tons of stickers.

Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Axes & Alleys:
Winners of the Waukeegan Clambake!

As you’ve no doubt been aware since grade school, February is National Grapefruit Month. What you may not know is that every day in the Axes & Alleys offices begins with a grapefruit and prayer breakfast. DJ Trickyfingers from the Creative Department is in charge of procuring and preparing the grapefruit, and he does such a good job.

We then sit around the table, each with a half of grapefruit, and sprinkle Sweet & Low on top. It leaves such a wonderful aftertaste. You wouldn’t believe it unless you tried it. We each have our own way of eating the grapefruit. Angus Lopez, our office manager, takes the simple route by mashing the grapefruit directly into his face. It’s messy, but it gets the job done.

Finally we all stand up and hold hands for our daily prayer, led by photographer Bernard Roosten. He usually keeps it brief, although one time he recited a prayer for over a half hour in which he gave thanks for each pair of shoes he’d ever owned.

So, this issue we offer our thankful prayers for the mild winter so that come summer, there will be plenty of juicy, delicious grapefruit for us to eat.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion
Editor-In-Chief

Pentember Cover-Girl Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore is the first Axes & Alleys
cover-girl to ever give a member of the editorial
staff a high-five. Her name is an anagram of
“warm robe dryer.”