Classifieds: August 2003

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Find Anything You Need or Sell Anything You Don’t Want With the Axes & Allies Classified Ads.

FOR SALE
Two stroke pony with optional tail rotor included. Slightly worn, three years old, but spunky and affable. Comes with saddle, rotor oil and RNA transductor enhancement glue. £295.33 plus state taxes, import tariffs and biochemical redundancy fee. Call Steve: 995-2620

FOR RENT
Spacious three tier toolbox. Red aluminum with steel bolts and brushed metal interior. No tools included. £9.95 per week. Call 884- 3443 and ask for Mary Ellen

SEEKING
Single white female. Must enjoy cold climate, ice floes, eating Eskimos and baby seals. I am an intelligent and spontaneous guy (I once attacked a surfacing U. S. submarine) who loves fishing, relaxing in a nice Arctic storm and running in fright from the flashing lights in the sky. Visit Nunavuk, Greenland and ask for Ralphi.

Look in the bulrushes. There you will find the answers you seek. Once you accept the inner sycophant, other will follow. Message 2369.

WANTED
Polyurethane coating for backyard deck or decomposing bodies stored in basements. No questions asked. Ask for Tommy J at 334-3343

FOR SALE
One sixteen litre container of high-grade polyurethane coating for backyard decks or decomposing bodies stored in basements. Available for £35.00. No questions asked. Call 992-1600 and leave a message.

ROBOT ANDROIDS
Seeking robot android look-a- likes, must look like Don Knotts or Tim Conway. Will pay $50.00 or best offer. Call Eddie at 763-0973, ask for Dave.

FOR SALE
Twenty six metric tons of goat cheese. Slightly rancid. Two free hockey pucks included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.

Super-villain seeks weapon of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, biological or nerve gas, death rays also good. Will pay top dollar. Call The Honorable Chief Justice Destructo, 113-436-9987, ext. 45.

POSITIONS AVAIABLE
Monarch seeks Eunuchs for organizational duties including harem guarding and chronicling. Castration and palace quarters provided. Send messenger to Xerxes. Royal Palace, Persepolis, Persian Empire.

FREE GIVEAWAY!!!
Several packets of sugar available on a first-come, first-served basis. Sixty-three packets and they’re going fast! Available at 33 Alhambra Ave. this Saturday from 3 to midnight.

FOR SALE
Semi-amateur home-brewmeister sells his first batch of beer. Three bottles for £12. Special discounts for large purchases.

WANTED
Bugs. All kinds of bugs. Beetles, ants, bees, wasps, butterflies, spiders, pillbugs, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, bottle flies, house flies, millipedes, mantids, moths, cockroaches, weevils, tomato bugs, wormsÉ well, I know worms aren’t bugs, but I really like them. They slither and they’re slimy and stuff. Worms kind of get me off. Anyway, if you have bugs, please call Ehren at 445-BUGS.

POSITIONS AVAILABLE
Pumpkin roaster needed to roast a pumpkin. Must be experienced. Irish need not apply. Call Delores, 738-6975

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
This Saturday, the Community Farm Center of Lower Grunding presents its first annual Bacon Festival! From 11-7, see the most amazing bacon sights and bacon-related accoutrements. Ba-Co’s brand new, late-model bacon stretcher will be on display! The new left-handed coffee mugs featuring the CFC “I Heart Bacon” logo is available cheaply. There will also be a display of new plants made of a synthetic material produced from bacon fat. You can water them like real plants! Bacon Festival takes place in Shorewater Plaza Shops.

WANTED
One human soul. $55 U. S. or best offer. Email Kevin: rabidpatunia at hotmail dot commercial.

FOR SALE
Brazil. Large parcel of land in South America. Please contact Pope Pius III at The Vatican.

JOB OPENING
Local chemical plant seeks qualified quality control workers for maintenance sector reverse-entropy engineering of cubicles, silos, tubes, piping, windows, lavatories and rec room. Must have 23 years prior experience. Call the Human Resources Department at ChemCo Chemical Company. Fax resume to 477-333-6701 c/ o Chemical Carol.

Schizophrenic seeks back-alley anti-psychotic drugs. Must not be an assassin from the government, an alien spy or one of the relatives trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Meet the man in the blue trucker hat at the Waldbaum’s Bookstore in the Haberdasher Mall tomorrow at 3 PM.

FOR SALE
A dog. 654-0098

NOT FOR SALE
The lamp is mine. You can’t have it.

Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

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Part I: A Game Concerning Word Placement
Have a companion, who does have visual access to the following piece, to fill in the missing words. The results shall be of an uproarious nature.

One __________(unit of chronological measurement), I was __________ (gerund) down the street when a _________ (member of a species of genus Heterojapyx) jumped up on my neck and started gnawing into my ____________(artery of the upper spinopulmonary system). _____________(Iroquois expletive), I screamed at a decibel level of __________(number ≥ √-234.124 ), as I ran to the docks and jumped on the _____________(name of submarine of the Russian Akula Class). It was there that I ran into ________________(name of a 15th Century Flemish Noble), who showed me around. He showed me the______________(type of radiocarbon dating equipment), the ______________(type of boat used in the harbor of Cartagena, Colombia), and the______________(branch of the Interstate Commerce Commission). Then we hopped out and went to____________(Name of a Trans-Neptunian Object).

Part II: A Picture of Dave
Here is a picture of Dave. Using hand-held shears, separate this photographical image of Dave from the remainder of the magazine. Then, with an adhesive of some sort, you can place this picture of Dave somewhere within the confines of your domicile. Each day, you may gaze upon your photographical image of Dave while simultaneously providing an aesthetic accoutrement to your abode.

Dave

A Eugenic Plea

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by Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen

Not many people in the public are familiar with Francis Galton, cousin of renowned cabin boy Charles Darwin, but Galton’s groundbreaking psychological work established the basis for later quantitative psychological research. More importantly, however, Galton’s hereditary research, coupled with his cousin’s popular theory of evolution, led Galton to the conclusion that artificial breeding selection could be used to better the human species, an idea which is today known as “Eugenics.”

The concept is simple. By choosing humans with desirable traits and having them reproduce, we increase the number of good genes in the human population, thus making the species better. The more intelligent, creative and capable people, the better the world becomes.

And that’s why we’re here, to make the world a better place. Let’s face it, both of us are incredibly intelligent, creative and capable. In a way we represent the best the species has to offer. So, we’ve done a great deal of research and found women who match our own levels of genetic purity. In order to make the world a better place and to preserve human kind’s domination of the Earth, we feel it is our duty to copulate with these women. For the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that didn’t we?

We shall now reveal the list of candidates. If these women truly care about the world and aren’t selfish and evil, they will do their duty and help us create a new race of supermen.

By sleeping with us, as often as they can…for the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that, right? So here they are, if you see your name, just drop us a line, or come over to our house and help us create a new and better world.

eugene

eugene

eugene

And if you’d like to know more about our candidates, please do visit our covers section.

Ask Montezuma: August 2003

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Answers from Everyone’s Favorite Aztec Monarch

Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments
from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Aztec monarch and all-around
handsome fellow.

Dear Montezuma,
My brother Charles keeps stealing my hammer. I don’t know what he does with it, but Mother insists that I leave him alone. She says he’s different and I should accept his strange hammer usage. I say it’s my hammer and he should leave it alone. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Pepin, Croix de la Croix, France

My dearest Pepin,
When considering the ineffable, one must take to heart the ideals of incontrovertibility inherent in any such quest of the mind. Often one can discern a pattern where others see none, or one sees no pattern where others do. In the sanctity of all life (except that of official sacrifices) there are many hidden secrets, some which may relate to hardware. I advise you to search the metaphysical and theological implications of your hammer. You will find the answer you seek there.

Dear Montezuma,
The local organizing committee of the Southeastern Representatives Organization is having its annual meeting as a barbecue, rather than as an official policy making body. I have railed against this again and again in the Organizational Organizing Sub-Committee, however everyone seems up for a barbecue and will hear nothing to the contrary. How can I turn them to my ideas?
Yours truly,
My Remains Pepper Residential Exits Soiled In Deep Northern Terrain.

Mr. President,
I kindly ask that you no longer communicate with this established column. Your vague entreaties on matters of State have no place in this column. This is why you have a Cabinet, sir. The ontological place of The Presidency has no bearing in this Nationally Famous and Syndicated journalistic endeavour. We help People, not Offices.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.

Pearls of Wisdom

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Pearls of Wisdom
from the Reverend Wolfpatty

The Reverend Johnathan Wolfpatty delivers rousing sermons on the nature of fire and brimstone each Sunday at the lovely First Church of Christ’s Gaping Bloody Wounds in downtown Stovepipe, New Higland, USA.

THE PANTS OF GOD

Not long ago, I found myself at the drugstore, when, as should happen, I stumbled into the women’s personal hygiene section and noticed a particular item, which, had until then escaped my notice.

The item in question is a product known as a “panty liner,” or sanitary napkin. Now apparently, during specific time periods of the lunar cycle, the mucus and blood lining of a woman’s uterus is flushed from the body in a process known as the “menses.” This biological waste material is expunged from the woman’s vagina, where, when a sanitary napkin is not properly employed, it stains the woman’s undergarments. If it is a particularly heavy flow, it may in fact stain her outer garments as well. This is an unfortunate circumstance.

Now, this is a lot like God and how God protects us from sin. You see, sin is like this menstrual blood, it stains us with its presence. But God’s grace is a sanitary napkin, a panty liner for our soul. So, my fellow God-fearing Christians, I implore you, to each day, put on your holy pad, and protect yourself from the frothy crimson flow of sin. When God is your panty liner, your pants stay clean, and your soul will be white as a Cracker’s skin. Praise Jesus, and read your Bible every day. Thank you.