A Special Scientism Section

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The Astounding and Contrafibulating Advances of Science and Learning to be Witnessed by Gentle-Men of the God Fearing Nations in Years Which Shall Follow This One.

Doctor Ulf Goltschleer (age 12) is an inventor, scientist and tinker. He was also the winner of the 1932 Nobel Prize for Applied Radio-Zoology.

His inventions include the Electric Pram, the Carbuncle Inductor, the Silent Gropple Choke, the Wireless Hammer, the Four-Way Radio, the Alternating Sigmoido-Scope and Asia.

He is also notable for the fact that he once murdered Thomas Alva Edison.

* Buildings one hundred feet high!
* Specialized contraptions which are able to navigate through the atmospheres!
* Devices which shall enable men to determine the direction of the wind’s blowing!
* Specialized plates formed from translucent materials which shall be constructed into structures so as to allow men to see though walls.
* Contraptions which will allow for the motorization of all manner of farming implements!
* Carriages which may perambulate without the aid of a pack animal!
* Ocean-going vessels capable of traversing the Atlantic Ocean in only one month!
* Electrical China-Men for construction and labor needs, which work without the need for extravagantly costing food stuffs and liquid nourishment!
* Specialized devices which aid in the removal of solid excrement from the anal region!
* Electrical machines which shall be able to create luminescence without the aid of solid or gaseous fuel stuffs.
* Mechanical devices to aid or even replace semaphore as the chief means of communicating over vast distances.
* Scientifical helmets which shall act as shields against the sun’s powerful light, protecting the eyes and face from unneeded exposure.
* And zeppelins, let me tell you, the skies will be full of zeppelins. A zeppelin in every driveway and monkeys in diving helmets roving through the canyons of Jupiter, deathrays in hand, caught in a life-or-death struggle with an army of silver, shining automatons, and flying cars, and monkeys.

A Glorious Future Awaits!

Buckets

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This essay contains information on buckets. It does not contain information on non-bucket items.

An Essay on Buckets

by Company’s Sergeant Major (CSM)
Nigel Rivvens Surrey Stonehouse.
(4th Battalion, Durham Light Infantry)

Buckets are hollow containers distinguished from bins by their cylindrical shape. Bins, generally, are square or cubical. Pots, while cylindrical, have a side-mounted singular projecting prop handle while a bucket is usually noted by its double mounted 180 arc wire frame handle. Buckets may be constructed from any number of materials including, but not limited to, wood, plastic, metal or porcelain. They may or may not have a pouring lip perforation in the rim, located perpendicular to the handle mountings.

There may be containers, similar in design to what we have above described as buckets, but with surfaces punctuated by varied perforations. These are not buckets, but rather are strainers, for the primary function of a bucket is to contain water or another liquid. Thus may a bucket aid in the transport of liquids. Due to the non-solid surface, a strainer would be ineffective in holding or transporting fluids as the fluid would have a tendency to drain fromthe holes and fall toward the ground. A bucket, with its constant surface, avoids this problem.

Buckets are used by all manner of gentlemen, for instance, those who work for the Fire Department. Their vocational duties are so entwined with buckets that these firefellows are sometimes called a “Bucket Brigade.” Nomads of Arabia use wooden buckets to draw up life-giving water from isolated desert oases. Custodians of many buildings and structures the world over use buckets to hold their frothy, soap-strewn waters. Buckets are cool.

Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

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Hey kids, don’t be bored this summer! Axes & Alleys has tons of fun stuff for you to do!

Currently the twenty-three and one half degree axial tilt of the planet Earth has produced a situation wherein our Northern Hemisphere is tilted toward the Sun. This is known as “Summer.” During this period children are free from the drudgeries of scholastic endeavor, harvesting and sweat-shop factory work. This can produce idleness, which poisons young minds. Thus, we present here an inventory of wholesome activities to ensure that children remain active and free from the temptations of Satan and his countless demonic minions.

Visit a local Petting Zoo. There you can see neat animals like sheep and goats. You can then inquire about employment opportunities. They may have an opening and you can spend your summer with animals, shoveling their waste.

Find a stray dog and adopt it. Give it a funny name and teach it some tricks. Then, using a wood chopping axe, slaughter the dog, skin and gut it. Then cook and eat it. You get a fine meal and get to learn new things about other cultures, such as what real Chinese food tastes like.

Get together a few friends and form a club. A fun type of club is the Detective Club. You get to have a clubhouse, hold cool meetings and spy on your parents and neighbors. Be sure to report any suspicious activity to the police.

Or, you could spend a rainy afternoon at the local library and formulate a working Unified Field Theory.

The fun never stops with Axes & Alleys!

Ask Montezuma: September 2003

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Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Retaliates against Westerners
via gastro-intestinal infections.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a simple farmer, trying to eke out a living in rural Kansas. Recently, my wife and I were shocked to discover that our son is gay. While we still love him and care for him, we can’t accept his idea that this is just his natural thing and not some rebellion phase he’s just going through. What is the best time of year to plant butter beans?
Farmer And Grower of Different Agricultural Disciplines

Mine dearest FAG DAD,
The first proposition I would make to you is that of not smoking. Dying of lung cancer earlier than the Gods demand is indubitably a way in which to fail at the planting, growing and harvesting of butter beans. Butter beans, the succulent legume which is a favorite upon tables of all classes, are best planted at the same time of year as butternut squash. You should plant them at this time, lest the iniquities of your existence prevail upon the shining brightness that was your spirit.

Dear Montezuma,
I am at my wits’ end trying to get my six year old son Billy and his eight year old sister Lilly to eat their vegetables. We’ve tried everything, including bolting them to Renaissance torture devices while force-feeding them, knocking them out with high voltage tazers and then hooking them up to IV feeders, as well as simple bludgeoning with hammers. But nothing works. Is there any way I can get these kids to eat?
My Overt Mission Is Simply Enforcing Vital Ingestion Laws

Dear MOM,
You may get more success in killing your children by proceeding as my ancestors did and sacrificing your children upon an altar to the Gods. Separating the living heart from the body pleases the Gods and brings blessings to your family and nation.

Dear Sirs,
In reading your magazine, I have come across several insulting references to needle-nosed pliers of the small variety. I feel the need to call attention to these egregious and toolist remarks. You said, and I quote, “needle-nosed pliers of the small variety only have one join.” It is incredibly bigoted to present the needle-nosed pliers community as a monolithic entity. Some of us have two joins.
Regards,
Joseph P. Joseph, Buggy Whip Salesman

Jo-Jo, dear boy,
If you’ll refer to the United States Department of Agriculture’s annual Definitions, Uses, Modification and Construction of Common, Less-Common and Obscure Tools for Use in Home, Farm, Automobile and Carpentry Construction and Repair (1999), you’ll see that needle-nosed pliers contain one join.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that when I get up in the morning I have to urinate a lot, but later in the day, I must wear trousers? This is killing me, seriously. Please respond ASAP.
Sort of Confused and Ambivalent Man

Dearest SCAM,
The reasons why you must urinate much in the morning and wear trousers later in the day are many. A precedent was set according to the Trouser and Urination Act of 1674 wherein urination and trousers were intimately linked. This, in turn, was based on the Roman Senate’s first proclamation as a rule making body, ordering that “exeunt pacem trouseri urea locum locus.” I’m sure this has cleared up a grand mystery for you, SCAM. May good fortune follow you throughout your life.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.