FOR SALE
Slightly used basket for lowering lotion into pit. B. Bill, West VA.

FOR SALE
Mutated tomato plant for use as night light. 5,000 lumens. Joey, 530-2816. Ask for Joey.

WANTED
Homemade mailbox cover, preferably burlap or velvet. Must be IBM compatible. Ronda, Box 234.

FOR SALE
Six hundred and two Gideon Bibles stolen from Best Midwestern hotel chain. $2 each or best off. Silas McGurney, Room 4, The Pentagon.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Sparkle Boy needed to stand in corridor for eight hour workday. Must be able to stand still while holding sparklers. 125K per year, plus company car. 5-10 exp. Necessary. Fax resume to DB Inc.
Human Resources.

FOR SALE
Incredibly realistic reproduction of fried chicken dinner. Potatoes, rolls and coleslaw included. All made of wood. Call Delia, 628-1873.
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FOR SALE
Iron tomato. Looks like a tomato but is made of iron. Also available: regular tomatoes in thick iron casing. Bob, box 206.

FOR RENT
Grand Army of the Potomac. Includes cavalry, scouts, fully limbered artillery, many infantry regiments. Available with choice of leaders including Meade, Grant and McClellan. Owner assumes no liability if army is outmaneuvered by Lee. $400 per day, plus mules.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Balloon pilot needed for race around the world. We’ll meet at Leicester Square on the morrow. The Queen, herself, will drop the flag.

WANTED
I need granola for sexual purposes. Please do not make me elaborate here. Just get me the granola. M.N. Glue, Bonanza, KY.

FOR SALE
Edible hovercraft. Made entirely of beets and beet paste. Will trade for borscht B-17. Call 74-091-11 for details and price list.

WANTED
Proof of the existence of a race of aliens who live in helicopters and communicate via various sauces. Will pay $5.95 per day.

FOR SALE
Haunted Boeing 707. Ghost of Himmler haunts the aircraft’s lavatory. Will appear to swarthy looking passengers and offer half-hearted apologies for the Holocaust. Looks at shoes, mumbles a quick ‘sorry about that thing.’ Don’t think he really means it. $123,456.78 or best offer. Lufthansa, Berlin EU.
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FOR SALE
World’s largest hamster. It’s fifty three feet long and lives in an airplane hangar. Once it ate a mailman. $400 or best offer.
Toby, Box 21.

FOR SALE
Radio-cryptology kit, including rotary hammer, spelunking bib and powdered helmet mix. Perfect gift for any radio-cryptologists you know.
718-093-9312, ext. 405.

FOR SALE
Trireme, slightly used, some oars missing. Slave rowers available for extra cost.
Talk to Bobby D. down at the office.

WANTED
Robotic squirrels for use in terrarium. Should look as realistic as possible.
Ramada Inn, Treper’s Pass NV.

FOR SALE
Two butter knives, one for butter and one for margarine. Do not mix them up. Contract is voided if you mix them up. Don’t do it.
Randolph VI of Silesia. Box 456.

FOR SALE
Two eyebrows, brown in color. Found in alley.
Chad Colon. 747-474-7744.

FOR SALE
One hundred and twelve complete sets of “12 Monkeys” action figures. Free broken radiator valve included.
Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London SW1.

FOR SALE
Motorboat noise. I will come over and do my noise any time you want for only four dollars a minute.
Carrie Anne Moss. Box 121.

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WANTED
Hibernian buffalo of undetermined gender with brown fur and sunny disposition. Must enjoy tin cans and axle grease on Sundays and be able to calculate the angular momentum of Mars-sized bodies throughout the Solar System. Call Terry: 223-8407

FOR RENT
Half a high hat cymbal. No refunds, no warranty. Reginald box 573874

WANTED
50 kazoos for marching band. Must own own kazoo. No kazoo will be provided!
Wilma Selmerensonson 432 Pattern Blvd. West Moronia, CT 09323

FOR SALE
Half-rotten Dutch settler. Comes with own fungus and shovel. No cufflinks, only one testicle. Please provide evidence of good home and proper storage facility to Sandy Parkinson, age 47, Lookumpin, PT

FOR SALE
Remember New Orleans? I don’t much either. That’s why I’ve created this origami version of the fabled jazz city. Resembles Chicago more than The Big Easy, but only to trained eye. $40 or best offer. Barry Nagin 2 W. 2nd St. Twosville, NH

WANTED
An amen. Can I get an amen? tperkins@gwvgh.net

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