FOR SALE
My three favorite staplers. I named them Grey Ghost, Chomper and Ol’ Rusty. All are in good condition, except for Ol’ Rusty who is slightly rusty.
Bill Williams, Billiam, MN.

FOR SALE
The letter “J.” It seems as though we actually patented this letter in 1624 and are now interested in selling it to a government or major corporation. The royalties alone are worth billions. Jacombe and Morley Printing Co. Sheffield, England UK.

FOR SALE
Neckties in sloth sizes. Available for three or two toed varieties. Lots of fun styles to choose from. All are $4.00. Sloth Tie Company, Route 1, Madagascar City.

WANTED
Necklace made of robin heads. Preferably fresh. Will pay $2 per robin head. Males only as they have more colourful plumage on their detached heads. Monica Travis, Box 022.

WANTED
World peace, plentiful food for all, an end to disease and three Detroit Redwing uniforms with helmets. Jasper Johnson, Martinmas Island.

FOR LEASE
One truck load of noncompressed air. Once breathed by Mel Brooks and other celebrities. 1000 rupees per day, plus expenses. Medelson Air Providers. 54-3843-4844-38. Ext. 01. Ask for the air thing. They’ll know what you’re talking about.

LOST
My virginity. I’m pretty sure it was behind the sofa, but I seem to have misplaced it after having sex with Tony at that party. Lucy Thompson, Brassdale, AL.

PANCAKES
Are freedom.

FOR SALE
1003 life size busts of Bollywood film editors. Free slightly chewed pen cap included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1. UK

WANTED
Sexy male neighbors of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds. Must be sexy and male of any persuasion. I cannot emphasize the point enough. I’m tired of looking at my flabby males, I would like some nice ones around for once. Natalie Broadnax Ovaltine, NC

POSITION AVAILABLE
Door knobbler needed to knobble doors. Knobs Inc. 483-39832-884.

FOR RENT
Poorly-functioning area in our power grid. Broken feeder lines and melted above-ground cabling abound. Yours for a pittance! Consolidated Edison, New York, NY

FOR LEASE
Peg leg. I just lost my other leg and don’t need it at this time. $55 per month. Polish included. Ramsay K. Peetingworth, W. Nomaha, NB

POSITION AVAILABLE
Ustrasana yoga position. Lascivious thoughts sold separately. Will offer deal on pair. Ann Pizer Brooklyn, NY

FOR SALE
Apple. It is a new hybrid of Granny Smith and crab. I call it the Grancrabble (TM). It’s got a rather awful taste. Everyone who eats one immediately complains. Five for a dollar. Ghengis Torkum, Box 8382.

FOR SALE
First season of “The Wonder Years” on 16mm film strip. Dubbed into Swedish by actors with heavy Urdu accents. A must have for any “Paul” fan. €5.00 each.

POSITION AVAILABLE
President needed to execute laws enacted by legislators. Must be 35 or older, natural born citizen. Knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel and Power Point a must. Car provided. Contac US Govmt. Wash. DC.

WANTED
Ice skates for elephant. Must be Pachyderm Size 11. Wally at Feeble 02-1, ext. 3.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Single marine needed to infiltrate German occupied castle in order to destroy the entire Nazi regime. Rifle with limited ammo provided. Contact Pentagon. US.

FOR SALE
Archipelago. Contains four larger islands, 19 smaller islands. One inlet and a volcano. Tiberius, Box 7483.

FOR LEASE
Novel about a woman on a quest to discover how peanut butter is made. Will the government conspiracy and its assassins kill her before she finds the truth? Lease my novel to find out. Mr. Lance Bot. 748-3833-283 No calls after 3pm, baby is sleeping.

FOR RENT
One Bank of Lemuria debit card. Personal PIN not included. Standardize Corvés 2001 Shecky Williams Dr. Mulhanset, AC, 282830.

WANTED
Left marmot testicle. I have an experiment I’d like to try out. Please do not include whole marmot. Billy Lumpkin bbill@msn.com

SEEKING
Prom date. Must know South American and Caribbean dances such as the tango, lambada, salsa, cha cha, merengue, bachata, beguine, rumba and mambo; expert in country line dancing a plus. Irish need not apply. Becky near the Fountain

FOR SALE
1800 combination tea cozies/razor wire. Free description of marsupials included.Tony Blair 10 Downing Street London SW1 UK

FOR SALE
The original cross used to crucify that thief from the Bible. You know, the bad one who mocks Jesus? Yeah, it’s his cross. Not the Jesus cross, but pretty close. St. Croix of Infinite Mercy Church, Talladega, Alabama.

FOR SALE
Left-pawed mouse with excellent pinball skills. Won many tournements in Colombia and surrounding areas. Avery Bob, Trenchant, NH

WANTED
Will someone please stop the rain. I don’t care what you do – dance, call upon your respected god, pray to Satan…just make it stop for a few hours. The triumphant miracle maker will receive a batch of rice crispy treats, and a three year old Cingular™ phone charger with a bent plug. Launa, Box 23.

FOR SALE
I have developed a machine capable of producing as much energy as it consumes. I will sell it to a venture capitalist for some money. Contact Yalto Ban Botta, Box 432.

FOR SALE
One arrogant asteroid always talking about its carbonaceous chondrites. Prim Freeborn. Box 3.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Gorillas needed to help develop gorilla nagvigated air ship across the Black Sea. All applicants must pass drug test and have working knowledge of Black Sea and surrounding areas. Gorillas only, gibbons need not apply. Fax resume to Simian Aeronautics Corps. P.O. Box 121, Clover City, MV.

WANTED
Bullet proof radishes for use in war-time salads. Shrapnel resistant lettuce also, or if you have any armor-peircing tongs, I’ll take those too. Elizabeth. Box 211.

FOR LEASE
Shitty tall tale. It’s really awful and can be yours for only $23 a week. Contact Logan of Logan’s Tall Tales for more info.

TO LET
5000 sq. ft. room in the middle of a garbage scow. Lovely view of refuse, perfect fixer upper. Barge Realty. 718-2121.

WANTED
Sexually inexperienced naked women. 18-24 yrs old. T-Bone Jones, Adams Retirement Home. 462- 0028.

WANTED
Life-size model of cobalt atom. Will pay up to $43. Paul Cook, Box 201.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Squash players needed to provide technical assistance to cast of whacky new Squash-related sitcom. Call Ralph at NBC for more info. 880-2734, ext. 1382-8271.

FOR SALE
Super tanker full of maple syrup. The syrup clogs up the release valves so we can never drain it out. Makes a great conversation piece. $2 million or best offer. Ellison Mineral.

WANTED
I will trade money or favors in exchange for ale. I will do anything for ale. I sure love ale. Barnaby, Box 21.

FOR SALE
Sunflower. Call Tammy at 323-0098.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Volcano detector. We need you to find volcanoes for use in a confidence scheme. Twin Stix Mahoney, Box 6.

WANTED
Box of meal worms. Must be 18 cubic in. E. Bell, Hambone, TX.

FOR SALE
Small cube shaped puzzle which opens dimensional gates and summons baldheaded gothy looking creatures. $50 or best offer. Kirsty, Box 103.

FOR SALE
The beat. Charlotte Caffey info@gogos.com

FOR RENT
Marianas Trench. Includes wrecked submarine filled with jellyfish and common anglerfish. F. Pino 917-843-9222

WANTED
Asymmetrical intelligent alien species for discovery and horrible misunderstanding. Roderick Blaine Blaine Manor, New Scotland 113091

FOR SALE
One box. Tom, No.33

POSITION AVAILABLE
Masochist needed to be struck with bats by Crimean immigrants. Will provide boiled carrots as payment. Call Lucy Sturgeon at 829-292-181.

WANTED
Bootblack. Must supply own tools. Polish provided. Dr. F.X. Enderby South Polar Station Antarctica

FOR SALE
Rust collection. All varieties from brown to light-dark red. Dark-dark red not included. 35p or best offer. Leisha Halley 212-888-2122

FOR RENT
2 staples. $2 per month, $68 for three years in advance. Find metal pipe and strike 13 dots and two dashes. I’ll bring the staples.

FOR LEASE
One human lung, you can use my lung for six months and then I need it back. Laura, Box 021.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Intern needed at petrochemical company. We need to test effects of oil on underpants. Underpants not provided, you must bring your own. Only women, ages 18-22 need apply. Petroil Co. Ramada, MV

WANTED
Petunia that can kill people and consume their flesh, rip organs out and eat them. Will pay top dollar. I have my own pot to keep them in. Belinda, 372-2831

WANTED
A box. Any type. Will pay lots and lots of money. Argus, Route 3. BA