Classifieds: Tiberium 2006

FOR SALE
Slightly used basket for lowering lotion into pit. B. Bill, West VA.

FOR SALE
Mutated tomato plant for use as night light. 5,000 lumens. Joey, 530-2816. Ask for Joey.

WANTED
Homemade mailbox cover, preferably burlap or velvet. Must be IBM compatible. Ronda, Box 234.

FOR SALE
Six hundred and two Gideon Bibles stolen from Best Midwestern hotel chain. $2 each or best off. Silas McGurney, Room 4, The Pentagon.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Sparkle Boy needed to stand in corridor for eight hour workday. Must be able to stand still while holding sparklers. 125K per year, plus company car. 5-10 exp. Necessary. Fax resume to DB Inc.
Human Resources.

FOR SALE
Incredibly realistic reproduction of fried chicken dinner. Potatoes, rolls and coleslaw included. All made of wood. Call Delia, 628-1873.

FOR SALE
6,738 Smurf collectable figurines. All are Brainy Smurf and are made of high quality ceramic. Free A/C adapter included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1

FOR SALE
Autographed copy of the Venerable Bede’s “Ecclesiastical History of England.” Signed by TV’s Blossom. Contact Lucy, Box 562.

SOLD
Vermont. No further enquiries please.

WANTED
Pop song (a la Britney, Xtina or Ramones) in 5/4 time. Must have dotted quarter note high hat hit on 4th beat.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION
Butter is a great way to teach kids about the effects of heat on structural steel.

WANTED
Cheap, sustainable method of creating permanent summer in New York City. I’m tired of the cold, rain and wind and can think of no other way to be rid of it.

FOR RENT
Newborn puppies. If you feel deprived of a pet, but can’t have one, call us. 561-833-0030

FOR SALE
Empty coffee can. Perfect as a planter, part of a communications device or nuclear core container. Call Dave Williams. Hobart, Tasmania

FOR RENT
Weekends in leather. Please provide own method to contain a temporal period in a substance. Kate Winslet. 334 Poplar Ln. Louisville, KY.

WANTED
Car in which to drive to work. Job by which I may pay for car.
John Marshall 1 Patriot Way. Pylon, PL 00039.

FOR RENT
Interconnected network of bees. No reason. Jeff, idlewild@dallas.tx.us.

FOR RENT
Personal crusade against avocado salesmen. No honkeys or whale jockeys.
Tim Johnson. tim@timjohnson.com.

AROUND
Trees. Check one out.

WANTED
Pullout couch and mini fridge for bachelor pad. No questions asked.
Idi Amin Box 1134

WANTED
Automatic Fez. Will pay top euro. Erasamus Gibson, Toledo, 3rd door on the left.

FOR SALE
72 “Do Not Lean On Door” stickers for use in automobiles, bread boxes and naval ships-of-the-line. 24 international monies plus two weeks’ training required. Cory L. Doctorow. London, Wales.

WANTED
Indie rock girlfriend. Bangs + layered hair. 80s referential clothing. Ennui a +. Gerry Fielding. Box 32.

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