FOR SALE
Vial of Afipia felis. The patient is dead and I don’t need it any more. Find Dr. Debre for purchase.

FOR SALE
Sumantran Death Flower. Beautiful, fragrant, and will kill you. Johnson Co. Arboretum.

FOR SALE
Modern and stylish communications device. Works only over short distances. Some splicing and puncturing may be required. Assembly necessary. For instructions, please email me.

WANTED
Recorded sound of Purgatory. Already possess authenticated recordings of Heaven and Hell and need this to complete my collection. Contact The Branch Ministries P.O. Box 60 Turtletown, TN 37391

WANTED
Furs. Will trade spices, incense and 14 gold per year. Dark Lord Napoleon, Paris. Just hit control, D and I’ll send a messenger.

FOR SALE
Entire pancake. Some of entire pancake missing. Aldebaric, Box 33.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Muckraker needed to clean up various puddles of muck. Rake provided. Contact Pylon City Union. Pylon, PL.

FOR SALE
New punctuation idea which fell flat. Nifcom Corp. Rebuque, WD

FOR RENT
Terrible looking flag. Homemade Union Jack of napkins and doilies. Doesn’t look very good. Armand D. Bone. 718-009-3821. Ask for Armand.

ON SALE
20% off all merchandise. Large objects receive deeper discount. Useful objects at regular price minus tax. Some objects on two-for-one special. Get objects! Box 231

WANTED
Death of metric system. Metric is boring and inarcane. Imperial and similar much more interesting. Wish to help? www.killmetric.org

POSITION AVAILABLE
Tester needed to ingest chemicals to see if they’re safe to eat. No health coverage provided. $50 per chemical. Asterstar, Box 385.

FOR SALE
Hybrid Imam/Priest. Certified halal and Catholic Cosher. Housetrained. Good listener. Only occasional uprising. Well-versed in Latin and Arabic.Call Tony.

FOR RENT
Child’s drawing of grapefruit. Not a good drawing. Yours for $4 per hour. Dagon, the god.

FOR SALE
Seventeen hundred laser-capable hamsters. Free ice cube tray included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing
St. London SW1

POSITION AVAILABLE
We need a lion tamer to tame weasels. We figure the principle is the same. Katharinetowne Zoological Garden.Weasel Pavilion. 8810-43-9992-123.

FOR RENT
Slightly-used brain. I am growing a new one and don’t need this one so much of the time. $50 or best offer. Emily Haines Toronto, Canada (just drop by)

WANTED
Someone to fight me. I like fighting. Do you? Come fight me. You bastard. Ian Fidel 239 Porkman Rd. Irvine, CA 92603

FOR SALE
Mystical pantaloons. Nice sort of pleated style.Canvas colors. Careful, working the zipper will cause Djinn to appear. Trouser House, Box 482.

FOR RENT
2 photons. Must possess diffraction grating to collect second photon. No refunds Mr.Gentry 777.

FOR SALE
Cheese flavored bicycle. It tastes like cheddar.Enjoy licking the chain for only eight bucks. Call Ron Hamstead, Hamstead, UK. (E.U.).