Classified Ads: February 2006

FOR SALE
World’s largest hamster. It’s fifty three feet long and lives in an airplane hangar. Once it ate a mailman. $400 or best offer.
Toby, Box 21.

FOR SALE
Radio-cryptology kit, including rotary hammer, spelunking bib and powdered helmet mix. Perfect gift for any radio-cryptologists you know.
718-093-9312, ext. 405.

FOR SALE
Trireme, slightly used, some oars missing. Slave rowers available for extra cost.
Talk to Bobby D. down at the office.

WANTED
Robotic squirrels for use in terrarium. Should look as realistic as possible.
Ramada Inn, Treper’s Pass NV.

FOR SALE
Two butter knives, one for butter and one for margarine. Do not mix them up. Contract is voided if you mix them up. Don’t do it.
Randolph VI of Silesia. Box 456.

FOR SALE
Two eyebrows, brown in color. Found in alley.
Chad Colon. 747-474-7744.

FOR SALE
One hundred and twelve complete sets of “12 Monkeys” action figures. Free broken radiator valve included.
Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London SW1.

FOR SALE
Motorboat noise. I will come over and do my noise any time you want for only four dollars a minute.
Carrie Anne Moss. Box 121.

WANTED
Skulls and/or complete skeletons of WWI leaders. Will pay top dollar for Field Marshal Hague or General Pershing. I already have Kaiser Wilhelm’s head, so don’t send that one.
Send the rest to the Dr. Lulu Pancakes, Curator of the Military Collection, Alabama Museum of Skulls.

FOR RENT
Hollowed out shark carcass with TV inside that plays loop of old MASH reruns. Turn your house into a home for only $45.00 a week.
Shark-TV. Baltimore Flats, Maryland. USA.

WANTED
A good lawyer. I am currently being tried for seventy two counts of murder, arson and aggravated assault. I’m guilty as hell, so it’s gonna be a challenge to get me off. Only really really good lawyers need apply.
Inmate #3433, Wayans Correctional Facility, Dry Michigan.

FOR SALE
100% Organic helicopter made from free range metal and plastic components. Powered by solar wind. Does not fly.
Ramen Aeronautics Company, East Clover IN.

WANTED
Post-apocalyptic granola.
Call Mary at #78.

FOR RENT
Dead owl which can be used as somewhat gruesome centerpiece for anyone’s Thanksgiving dinner. Cheap.
Claudius, Rome.

COME LOOK AT ME
I’m a guy in a glass box. No, not a mime, but a real guy in a real glass box. Isn’t that great? Jerry Dorval
Montreal, Quebec

WANTED
Shellac. Whether it be brown, navy or yellow. We want shellac. Antique? No problem. We want shellac. Send shellac to:
Bobby’s Shellac House
13 Paradise Island
Charleston, SC 30096

WANTED
Tony Blair 10 Downing St.London, SW1 Cheated me of hovercraft and sundry other goods. Must be in perfect condition.
Brian Mulrooney Ottawa, Canadia.

FOR RENT
Bicycle. In good condition, but it does feel pain, so please do treat it well. Or if you are a sadist you can ride it over broken glass. Either way you win.
Call Wanita Ireland. Dublin.

FOR SALE
Four pairs of comically large eyeglasses. 1 parsec per lens. They are in orbit around Sedna.
Call NASA. Houston, TX

2 Comments

  • Jimmy Camel
    March 20, 2006 - 3:47 am | Permalink

    FOR SALE
    One Nuclear Reactor. House-trained. Known to cause the odd catastrophic melt-down.
    $5000, but could go for slightly less, like $2
    Call Chernobyl, Russia.

  • March 21, 2006 - 10:56 pm | Permalink

    Dear Sir, the reactor you speak of is in the Ukraine.

    Also, in the future, please address all classified ad submissions to:

    Axes & Alleys
    1 Bester Plaza, Floor 23.
    Katharine Towne, WD 456483

    Thank you.

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