Category Archives: Lifestyle

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Some Simple Steps

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You Can Take to Ensure That People Will Leave You Alone

avoidy

  • Wear hats, excessively, ten or more at a time. Strap extra hats to your elbows for emergencies.
  • Use a cell phone in public, hold long, detailed personal conversations about your various sexual deviancies, and talk only in Sign Language.
  • Wear one outfit, ever. Never wash it, never change it, and make it entirely out of teddy bears.
  • Invent your own gender, not a simple combination of the of the existing two. Invent your own social customs, clothing styles and secondary sexual characteristics.
  • Collect Scrabble™ games, on video, at the tournaments. Watch nothing but these tapes when guests come over.
  • Eat only tomatoes, from a bucket, that you carry around with you at all times.
  • Go ahead and assume that anyone who talks to you is trying to hit on you. Never play hard to get.
  • Write a guide book for cock fighting referees. Talk incessantly about the whistle chapter. Always make mention of your thorough index.
  • Use only one means of transportation; a tricycle, but with a ski for a front wheel.
  • Shave off all your hair, all of it. Collect it in little baggies and give them to anyone who tries to talk to you. Suggest a donation.
  • Spend as much time as you can singing, your own songs, that you write about macaroni, sing them with a bullhorn.
  • Bathe in gravy, in the park.
  • If you have to fly, buy an extra seat for your wolverines, that you keep in a pillow case.
  • Pay for everything in nickels. Cut them into fifths for correct change.
  • Get a job in a slaughterhouse, take your work home with you, on the train.
  • Cut “Peanuts” comics out of the newspaper, place them in your tefillin. Tell the Rabbi that you’ve converted to “Ultra-Reform.”
  • Should anyone attempt to speak to you at a bar or restaurant, even the waiter, begin explaining the Bosporus to them. Have literature and visual aids ready.
  • Spread rooster feathers in front of your path when you walk down the sidewalk.
  • Wear sunglasses, at night, on your feet.
  • Stuff your mouth full of olives, as many as you can, then attempt to eat your dinner.

For the Modern Home

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With Lucy Frogger

Presents a Special Recipe For

Chicken Caesar Lasagna

Lasagna

Ingredients:

  • 2 boneless chicken breasts
  • 2 cloves of garlic
  • 1 tea spoon spicy mustard
  • 1 tea spoon of vinegar
  • 1 bunch of spinach
  • 1 1?2 cups of Caesar dressing
  • 2 cups of Alfredo Sauce
  • 1 table spoon of tomato sauce
  • 2 cups of romano cheese
  • 1 cup of mozzarella cheese (grated)
  • 1?2 cup of parmesan cheese (grated)
  • 1 package (roughly 16-20) lasagna noodles.
  • 2 teaspoon Extra Virgin olive oil.

Optional:

  • 1 small chopped onion
  • 1 chopped or sliced tomato

For vegetarian, substitute eggplant for chicken.

Directions:
Chop garlic finely and press, mix with mustard and vinegar and pour over chicken. Place chicken in a skillet with olive oil on low heat for 10-15 minutes until white throughout.

Cut chicken into fine slices and set aside in large bowl. Add the Caesar dressing and uncooked, rinsed spinach. Toss together until chicken, dressing and spinach are well mixed.

Add optional ingredients or spices to taste. Set a large pot on high heat, bring about three quarts of water to boil.

In a small saucepan, combine tomato and Alfredo sauces. Set on low heat. Stir occasionally until well mixed.

Spread a thin layer of sauce over the bottom of an oven-safe casserole dish. Once water is boiling, drop in the lasagna noodles, around five or six at a time. Cook until they can bend without breaking. Spread the cooked noodles in a flat row on the bottom of the casserole dish.

Spread layer of Romano cheese and sauce. Top with second layer of noodles. Add chicken and spinach layer and spread evenly. Top with parmesan cheese. Repeat layers of salad and cheese until all ingredients have been used or until desired thickness.

Top with final layer of noodles. Spread thin layer of sauce on top and pour grated mozeralla liberally over the top of the lasagna.

Bake at 300 degrees for 40-50 minutes, or until top layer is golden brown.

Serves 4-6 people.

Ask Montezuma: Fabuly 2006

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Answers from the Dead

Montezuma II

Montezuma II has been offering advice
to the needy as part of his Ask-Mont, a
prominent NGO in Montsylvania.

Dearest Montezuma,
I attended a luncheon function recently without wearing a cummerbund. This upset my dinner partners to no great end. They all had cummerbunds, but I did not. They were jealous as cummerbunds are notoriously uncomfortable to wear and, doubly, are silly looking articles of clothing. Furthermore, they felt that I breached the rules of formal etiquette with my faux pas. Why is a salad fork smaller than a dinner fork?
Yours truly,
Mike Feeman
New York, NY

Dear Mr. Feeman,
Did you know that tempered steel melts at a temperature of approximately 2000 degrees Fahrenheit? I’m not ashamed to admit that I didn’t either until I looked it up in my handy pocketbook of scientific tables. I suggest that you carry one of these pocketbooks in your pocket. That’s what they were designed for, after all. Incidentally, were you wearing suspenders or a belt at your meal? This may affect which soup spoon you were supposed to use.

Montezuma,
I’m greatly afeared. I just learned that the Dutch may be false, completely made up. Is this true? Could the Dutch have never existed? What about that Dutchland over in Europe?
Sincerely,
Don’t Understand These Conspiracy Hunches

My friend DUTCH,
It was the great future philosopher Karalyn Evans who once said “Filthy Dutch.” And she was right. At least if she was discussing being covered in the finest chocolates in the world. The Netherlands are home to some of the best chocolatieers who bravely set out with sword and pistol to create milk chocolate, dark chocolate, semi-sweet chocolate, unsweetened baking chocolate and other forms of chocolate. From Zeeland to Holland and over to Groningen, The Netherlands make some, colloquially, damn fine chocolate. Also, never call The Netherlands “Holland.” Holland is simply a province of the country wherein its capital is seated. Don’t quit reading. Finish the column before you book your flight.

grass

Hi Montezuma,
Where do babies come from?
Randy
Telarc, WD

Randy’s letter may just push this old imperialist firmly into the Internet Age. “Where do babies come from?” is one of those questions I receive again and again. I may soon have to institute an Often Inquired About section (you “netizens” may know it as an OIA) where I can deposit such queries. Suffice it to say, I suggest you order one of my books or consult a back-issue of Axes & Alleys.

Dear Montezuma,
In the current issue of Axes & Alleys in the seventh and apparently last installment of “Scooter Memories,” Scooter uses a dictaphone while he’s in a room trying to discover how to solve Javier’s puzzle. I’m curious. What’s a dictaphone?
Yours,
By Jove! Old Romans Killed!

Dear BJORK,
It took some heavy research to suss out the meaning of Dictaphone, but I think I’ve deduced its meaning quite well. Dicta is the plural of dictum. A dictum is a pronouncement of a formal nature coming from the Latin dicere. Such dicta are commonly found in judicial precedents and codes of laws. Phone comes from the Greek phone which means to say and is commonly used in relation to sound. I have determined that a Dictaphone is the sound that laws make.

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Interactive Entertainments for the Bored Masses

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Bursting the Bubble of Complacency in Your Own Home-Town
lemurs

Despite your own mental acumen, there will be times throughout your life when you lay prone under the icy, paralyzing grip of that creature we call Boredom. Therefore, as a public service we offer the following alleviations for your condition. Use them well and wisely and remember that Axes & Alleys, its creators, its parent and affiliate companies are not responsible for the consequences.

Retailer’s Nightmare
Requirements: Backpack or shopping bag, various cans of food, boxes of pre-packaged meals, boxes of crackers, or other non-perishable foodstuffs. Two or more people.

Take the food goods into a non-grocery store, someplace like Petsmart, Home Depot, Borders or Bestbuy. Put out the food as though it’s a sales display. If you enjoy merchandising, you might try to create an end-cap display of canned corn at the Virgin Megastore. Feel free to bring along fake price tags for the items as well.

Ti-Fi
Requirements: Tin cans, length of string, perhaps some hand-crafted Ti-Fi brochures. Two or three people to be sales-reps.

Make tin-can telephones (you know, two tin cans connected by a piece of string). Take it to an area frequented by laptop users, you know, somewhere with wireless internet. Offer to show them the latest in wireless connectivity, “Ti-Fi.” Then pull out the tin can phone and attempt to get them to use it. For bonus fun, try creating a USB attachment.
Continue reading →

21 Ways to Bore Yourself

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Chimp with Paddle
by Rani Stupunagerkee

Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
  1. Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
  2. Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
  3. Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
  4. Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
  5. Learn about Buddhism.
  6. Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).

    7. Continue reading →