The home is obviously a dangerous place. So, as part of our court-ordered public awareness series, we will now explore way that you can protect your family from fire. Be wise lest you burn yourself alive, die in agony and leave this world with the stench of your own burning flesh fresh on the ol’ nostrils.

Fire loves oxygen, so it’s best not to pump your home full of a 100% oxygen mixture. Try as hard as you can to set the atmosphere in your home to 74% nitrogen, 32% oxygen and 2% argon and other trace gasses. Some methane or sulfur may be included from time to time.

You may wish to impress friends with your ability to drink a flaming shot of liquor. After several of these, you may think it a good idea to pour liquor on the table and set it on fire because it looks neat. This is not wise.

Although fire can harm vampires, it’s best to use holy water and stakes when in the home. If you absolutely must burn the undead, make sure to keep a fire-retardant blanket handy.

While your late aunt’s box of collected magnifying glasses sure is neat, installing them as a picture window and burning alive from the concentrated power of the Sun is not.

Smoking in bed is one of the leading causes of death in people who die in bed while smoking. If you absolutely must smoke in bed, try using a water-filtered hookah with an enclosed brazier. Make sure your sheets aren’t too frilly.

Convert your home to electric lighting. It is expensive, but safer than lining your walls with lit torches.

Should you happen to catch on fire, via spontaneous human combustion, that’d be weird, wouldn’t it?
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