Whether your home was the site of a series of grisly murders by an underrated symphony conductor in the 1940s, or was built on a gallows where an innocent man was hanged, chances are you’ll have to deal with a house chock-full of restless spirits. No one likes waking up to the sounds of woeful moans and footsteps. And spirit writing just wrecks your freshly painted walls. So, here are some hints to living in peace with that ghost or getting them the hell out of your abode.
- Many spirits are simply confused by the trauma of passing on and do not realize that they are dead. Leave the obits out conspicuously on the coffee table with a few funeral home brochures and headstone catalogues. Chances are they might just get the hint.
- To encourage a ghost to leave your home and move on, you should remind them that you legally occupy the house and that they are a guest. When writing out your rent check, loudly lament that the rent is so high and that you wish that everyone in the house would pay their fair share.
- If a poltergeist starts flinging objects around or breaking glasses, an-eye-for-an-eye is a good thing to remember. Go to the person’s grave and smash the headstone with a big hammer. See how they like them apples.
- Try just ignoring the ghost. If that doesn’t work, annoy them by talking loudly and often about how awesome it is to be alive. Say things like “Gee, sure glad I’m alive and not dead so I can enjoy all of this delicious ice cream.”
- If you find yourself dealing with a particularly persistent ghost, you may need to call in an expert to help exorcize the house. Or you can just do it yourself, because with a simple prayer you can turn the toilet into a fountain full of holy water.
- When performing your own exorcism, remember that not all dead people are Christian. Have nearby handy copies of the Talmud, the Koran, the Bahavagita, Dianetics, the Communist Manifesto and the Zoroastrianistrokan.
- Should you actually see an apparition, offer it a cup of tea. No need to be rude, after all.
- Spirits often attempt to communicate through spirit writing or through EVP. Just ignore them. They never have anything useful to say.
- Sometimes a spirit is traumatized by its death and needs closure before moving on. Remind the ghost that you’re not its damn therapist and that you have better things to do than to help it deal with its magazine rack full of issues.
- If, through research in musty volumes at the library, you discover that your house was built on top of an old Indian burial ground, go down to the basement, dig up the bones and move them somewhere else, because we conquered it, it’s our country now and we don’t need stupid, defeated natives’ spirits bugging us all the time.
- Turn the tables on the ghost and walk through it repeatedly. Do this especially if the ghost is trying to communicate with you. They find it unbearably annoying.
- Only rarely do ghosts appear in photographic or video images. Use this to your advantage by turning your home into a discount portrait studio.
- A little-know fact about visitors from the netherworld is that more than anything they hate artificial watermelon scent. Modern air-freshening technology can help you immeasurably.
- Knick-knacks while generally an eyesore are also a no-no. Poltergeists can fling such objects all over the place at the least causing a nuisance, at most mild pain and property damage.
- If the haunted house you’re living in happens to be part of a theme park or annual holiday celebration, this is not the article you’re looking for. Please see our Tiberium 1966 issue.
- Ghosts can be attached to certain objects. If yours is one such as this, do not dispose of the object in the curbside trash pick up as the disposal of paranormal refuse has been strictly regulated by the EPA since 1984. Use the recycling bin.
- Sometimes your standard apparitions are semi-permeable. Spraying them with a mister produces lovely visual effects including rainbows and hilarious distortions of the people or objects directly behind the spirit.
- If it’s a tree on your property which happens to be the source of the haunting, why not employ the use of a chainsaw?
- If you’re willing to strike up a relationship with the deceased, they can really help when cheating at cards.
- Ghosts are supposedly kept at bay with iron, but a better repellant is pure disbelief.
1. Be sure to take off work during your vacation. Nothing spoils a trip to Hawaii like having to commute six thousand miles back to work every day.
2. Before traveling abroad, first check with the U.S. State Department to make sure the country you’re traveling to actually exists. Remember, the Byzantine Empire hasn’t existed for 500 years, so you can’t actually go there anymore.
3. Mousetrap is an incredibly popular game the world over. Remember to bring it with you and you’ll be sure to make friends wherever you go, especially Laos.
4. In the Arctic, the sun doesn’t set for months at a time. It’s never night time, so you don’t have to sleep and can save a lot of money since you don’t need a hotel room or a bed. Bartenders are also never sure when it’s happy hour.
5. While airplanes do have an excellent safety record, they still occasionally crash. Keep in mind that there hasn’t been a Zeppelin crash in over eight decades. The record for manned kites and ironclads is even better.
6. To save money traveling overseas, just swim. A healthy adult should be able to make it across the Atlantic in only a month or two. Don’t forget your goggles.
7. Most foreign countries have their own currencies. But sometimes U.S. arcade tokens can be used in foreign skeeball games.
8. When abroad, you may need a knob converter to open foreign doors.
9. A handy phrase to remember is “I’m an American and your laws don’t apply to me.”
10. Never leave home without your spelunking trowel. Ever.
11. Time can drag on a long flight, so have some reading material on hand; like Churchill’s 20 volume history of WWII, or a pamphlet about Rock City. Either will do.
12. You might be tempted to get some local culture while abroad, but don’t be suckered into seeing local music. It usually involves weird instruments and costumes, not guitars.
13. Almost every country on the planet has its own species of magpie. Make sure you pack your magpie detector.
14. If you’re vacationing in the United States, remember that it has a handy interstate highway system for driving. Their names often start with a letter and end in a number.
15. Finland has no month of October on their calendar, so if you travel there during that month, keep in mind that for them it’s actually November.
16. Snakes can be found in many regions, if you’re into that sort of thing.
17. Duty free shops in international airports are where you can pick up stuff without paying taxes. Go for high-priced items like jewels or cars. You can try selling stuff there, too, but make sure you stand near the exit.
18. If you really like a place, consider staying there and never coming back. We don’t want you anyway.
19. Make a game out of your vacation by seeing how much work you can do away from the office.
20. Challenge yourself by using a large plastic bag as your only luggage. See what you can fit inside.
21. The point of going on vacation is to relax, but foreign countries can often befuddle one with their confusing customs. If you’re American, try eating only at popular American fast food chains to calm your nerves.
22. It is often said that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This is not true of Portugal.
23. Hiking can be fun, but you do risk getting lost. If this happens you might be tempted to walk in the same direction to find your way. The world is round, though, so trying something of a spiral pattern would work better.
24. It has often been said that aboriginal peoples know their surroundings better than people living in the developed world. If you get captured, distract your captors by asking them what the plants and animals are called.
How to Do It with LeMuel LeBratt
with Permanent Guest Columnist Marcia Spatzelberg
Everyone enjoys listening to the music of a talented symphony orchestra. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to listen to that music when you are away from a concertorium or dance hall? Sure, record players are now available and they will allow you to listen to the works of great orchestralist composers in your own domicile, but such players do not offer the option of portable playback. Wouldn’t it be great if you could listen to your favorite arrangements of music when you were out walking, shopping or passing the time on a cable car? Now it is possible! Just follow these easy steps and you will be on the go. On the go with music, that is.
What you’ll need:
- 1 record player or hi-fi system
- 2 loudspeakers
- 1 scissors
- 16 feet of stereo cable
- 1 bridle harness or other small collection of leather straps (make sure it fits comfortably around your head)
- 1 set of clamps or pliers
- 1 straight razor (with handle)
- 1 car battery
- 1 roll of duct tape
- 2 lemon fruities
1. First, locate the power cord on your record player. It should be the cord-shaped whatsit exiting the back of the player and terminating in a pronged bit. Cut off the prong bit off using the scissors and use the straight razor to strip off approximately two inches of the plastic covering. Separate the two wires.
2. Wrap the wires around the terminals of the car battery. Clamp them down and use clips if necessary. Some car batteries feature screw caps on the terminals for ease in securing wires. Discard these.
3. Secure the speaker cables to the record player’s output terminals. Clamp them into the input lines of the loud speakers.
4. Attach the loudspeakers to the bridle harness and tighten it around your head so that the speakers are facing in toward your ears.
5. Tape the car battery to the side of the record player.
6. Unwrap your lemon fruities.
Yes, it’s that easy. Now just pick up the record player, put on your favorite disc and then strut down your local street in style with a cool, portable soundtrack to accompany you and your lemon fruities. Have fun.