The home is obviously a dangerous place. So, as part of our court-ordered public awareness series, we will now explore way that you can protect your family from fire. Be wise lest you burn yourself alive, die in agony and leave this world with the stench of your own burning flesh fresh on the ol’ nostrils.

Fire loves oxygen, so it’s best not to pump your home full of a 100% oxygen mixture. Try as hard as you can to set the atmosphere in your home to 74% nitrogen, 32% oxygen and 2% argon and other trace gasses. Some methane or sulfur may be included from time to time.

You may wish to impress friends with your ability to drink a flaming shot of liquor. After several of these, you may think it a good idea to pour liquor on the table and set it on fire because it looks neat. This is not wise.

Although fire can harm vampires, it’s best to use holy water and stakes when in the home. If you absolutely must burn the undead, make sure to keep a fire-retardant blanket handy.

While your late aunt’s box of collected magnifying glasses sure is neat, installing them as a picture window and burning alive from the concentrated power of the Sun is not.

Smoking in bed is one of the leading causes of death in people who die in bed while smoking. If you absolutely must smoke in bed, try using a water-filtered hookah with an enclosed brazier. Make sure your sheets aren’t too frilly.

Convert your home to electric lighting. It is expensive, but safer than lining your walls with lit torches.

Should you happen to catch on fire, via spontaneous human combustion, that’d be weird, wouldn’t it?

If little Billy wants about the same amount of gasoline and frozen orange juice, say no.

If you come upon a burning building with the screams of desperate inhabitants echoing in your ears and the sight of people leaping to their deaths from the roof, simply pass on and think “Better them than me.”

If at some point in your life you become wealthy, it is best to avoid living in or around California’s Santa Ana Canyon. Doubly so if you are a smoker.

Remember not to use water on a grease fire. Instead, grab the pan using oven mitts, and hurl it out of any nearby window. Remember to be safe, though, and open the window first.

When your “creative” brother wants to shoot a witch burning scene for his latest independent project in the family room, point him to the Fire Code, Section Three, Paragraph 128.

Under no circumstances should you ever try to eat fire.

Fireworks are fun, but not on your lunch break in the munitions plant courtyard. Not even sparklers or lady fingers. Certainly not Blackcats.

Use ice in drinks rather than cubes of pure magnesium.

Using leather straps, keep a fire extinguisher on your back at all times. Not only will you be prepared for an emergency, but you can also pretend you’re a Ghostbuster.

Avoid leaving oily rags next to the space heater. Then ask yourself why you keep oily rags around in the first place. What are you keeping them for, sentimental value?

While it makes for great film visuals, exterminating mutant insects using a can of hair spray and a lighter is dangerous. A secondary danger includes the fact that most modern hairspray is not flammable, so the mutant beasties may get you anyway.

When performing an exorcism on a friend or loved one, substitute a hand held flash-light for the usual candle. It’s not like Legion will be able to tell the difference.

Do not write to:
Theodore Kaczynski
c/o USP Florence ADMAX, U.S. Penitentiary
P.O. Box 8500
Florence, CO 81226

When welding, it’s best not to smoke or consume alcoholic beverages. In fact, you probably shouldn’t be welding anyway. Leave welding to the experts and try using tape as a fastener. Cotterpins probably will work in a pinch.

Keep lesbians and fire in separate rooms.