Category Archives: Bloggers

Writing from our regular staff writers.

An Enlightened Editorial

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From the Desk of Mary Tarzan

Dr. Mary Tarzan is Governor of the State of Ponderada, and holds a PhD in Astronomical Physics. See, and you didn’t believe that hot girls could be smart. Man, you’re shallow and naïve.

Recently, there have been reports of war, or war-related happenings throughout the various locations, which, when viewed as a whole, combine to form that which we would describe or categorize by the nomenclature “the World.”

Why must one group, or two or more allied groups, take up arms against a second group, or grouping of alternately allied groups? Do their religions or ethnic makeup differ so significantly that armed conflict becomes the best of the available policy options? Perhaps the antecedent of disagreement is different attitudes held toward the nature of government, vis-à-vis city-states versus a federal system, or perhaps it is something even more fundamental, such as differing economic levels, caste, or colour of sash. One could dare say that perhaps it is as petty as resources; i.e., one group possessing a scare resource while the other group wishes to take and keep it as their own.

It saddens me to a degree which is deep to think on the subject of war and war-related occurrences. Death, wounding, maiming, incapacitation, destruction, endesolation and horrible horrors are hardly a fit subject around which one can wrap his or her well apt mind.

As for me, I shall instead choose a more enwelling mental preoccupation; one which is far more enriching than conflict, war and war-related conflicts. Indeed, I shall focus my mental thoughts on the natural beauty and wonder of the sublime tractor. Oh, shall joy unceasing be liken unto a well guarded possession for me and those like me who choose tractors as their subject for conjecture and discourse.

Behold the glories of Earth and Heavens! Behold! A tractor shines forth. Lo, for tractors may be places in that set of things which can be defined by the shared attribute that is the quality or condition of being cool.

Helpful Hints

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From the Brainial Innards of Mr. Dave Bumpkiss

Dave Bumpkiss is an avid tractor maintenance
specialist and author of the one hundred and
twenty-four volume Encyclopædia Tractoria.
He currently resides in his home.

Hello, tractor aficionados. This week we’re going to take a quick trouble-shooting tour of the Halbard-Fillerman GR7 Agricultural Machine. While this is a wonderfully engineered tractor, any highly tuned machine is going to experience some teething troubles when first incorporated into your own farm-equipment family. So, here we go.

? I have noticed that my GR7’s cover-case seems to always be wet, I have replaced the windshield wipers, as called for in the owner’s manual and operator’s guide, but the engine cover-case seems to be often covered in dense moisture.

First of all, check the general surroundings of your GR7. Look at the area, are there fish swimming near by? If the answer is yes, then you are probably underwater. Try the AgroFarm Traqua Mark IV, probably one of the world’s best sub-aquatic tractors. If there are no fish about, then check with your local police station or consulate to see if you live in Bangladesh. Bangladesh has rather horrid weather, especially during the monsoon season. You might try and move to a country with better weather, or if that’s not possible, try to at least move to the Northern Highlands, up in the Naga Hills, perhaps near the city of Sylhet, where the soil is wonderful for growing strawberries.

? Sometimes, I noticed that the left wheel of my GR7 can lock up slightly, making it difficult to keep the tractor in good alignment while tilling my fields. It tends to skew slightly over toward the left. What can I do to fix this.

Make sure you check the undercarriage. Are there any human or animal remains lodged in the axels or the cam-shaft? If you’re riding your tractor down busy sidewalks, you’d be surprised at how many bits of bone can get lodged in your wheels. But, relax, as the problem is easy to solve. Take your handy remains-spatula and gently scrape or prod the jammed housings until the proper alignment is restored. If the wheels are free of debris, yet your tractor still veers to the left or right, check your arms and chest. Make sure you’re feeling no tightness in your chest or difficulty breathing. Is your left arm numb, or are sharp pains shooting down the length of it? You are having a heart attack, which can often throw off your ability to steer. Make your peace with God and then collapse. Be sure to turn off the engine first, you don’t want the unmanned tractor driving into any dangerous obstacles!

? On cold mornings, my GR7’s ignition system is slow to engage. What can I do to remedy this?

First, check the headlights. Are they normal, or are they glowing ominously red? If glowing, it is possible that your tractor is possessed by a demon or other angry spirit. Does your tractor constantly spew forth hateful and disturbing anti-Semitic speeches in German? If so, then Hitler’s ghost is probably possessing your tractor. Either way, a simple exorcism should clear things right up. Halbard-Fillerman makes a great exorcism kit specifically for the GR7, you can pick it up at your dealer. Don’t worry, it’s covered in the warranty. If your tractor is not possessed, or if after exorcism the slow start up still occurs on cold mornings, you should try and get many countries to loosen up their industrial emissions laws. That should increase the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere, creating a sort of “greenhouse effect” that will blanket the Earth in a comforting warmth, eliminating cold mornings, and their negative effect on your tractor’s performance.

Hope that answers all your questions. See ya’ll soon, and good tractorin’.

The March of Progress: July 2004

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Scienticians Create Cybernetic Tractor

tractorg

The Agr0Farm TRACTORG® and the
unwillingly abducted person who now
acts as the tractor’s control system.

The countless unexplained disappearances throughout the State of Montsylvania have finally been explained. It seems that AgroFarm, a subsidiary of Daniel Bester Inc., has been abducting countless people and using these unwilling souls as components in their new class of cyborg-controlled tractors.

TRACTORG®, the new line of tractors, freatures human brains which act as control units for the state-of-the-art tilling equipment. In the construction of TRACTORG® models, innocent people are kidnapped off the street or from their homes, then taken to the AgroFarm production facility where they are assimilated.

The painful and horrific process of assimilation involves the amputation of unnecessary limbs, the implantation of interface nodes inot the cictim’s brain, and the eradication of all personality. While the subjects remain aware of the their surroundings, and while they are no doubt capable of feeling great pain and suffereing at their loss of individuality, the people are no longer capable of expressing such things, and thus these emotions are of no consequence to the farmers and agriculturalists who utilize the TRACTORG® technology.

An AgroFarm spokesman reported that while thousands upon thousands of innocent people are suffering horrors beyond comprehension, it is well worth it, because the TRACTORG® models are nearly six percent more efficient than non-cyborg controlled farming equipment.

While the victims’ families have attempted to file a civil suit against AgroFarm’s parent company Daniel Bester Inc., the suit has been dismissed by Circuit Court Judge James Thorax, who by a mere coincidence is also Honorary Vice-President of AgroFarm.

Be sure to check out the whole line of TRACTORG® models when they officially premier at the World Tractor Fair, being held next July at the Actria Falls, Elizabethia Civics Center.

Ideal Tractor

How to Do It: July 2004

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With Regular Commentator LeMuel LeBratt

LeMuel LeBratt is an autodidact who began teaching himself how to do it at the age of thirty-five. LeMuel continues his unparalleled excellence in all fields of learning.

Special permanent guest columnist Marcia Spatzelberg invented the autogiro and bathyscaphe in her early teens and has gone on to great work at the AgroFarm R&D centre in Oaksville, EL.

This issue we shall teach you how to construct and run your very own self-storing tractor. Self-storing tractors are not in popular use yet, but they have a growing future on the horizon.

With a self-storing tractor you can maintain your tractor’s exterior, making environmental wear and tear almost negligible. With steady cleaning and maintenance of the parts and attachments, you can augment your tractor in a fashion that will enable it to last a life-time. You’ll also be able to store tools, gardening supplies and small barnyard animals in your self-storing tractor.

To begin, you’ll need these parts: 1 tractor (we use the Zebit DRZ-277 series tractor carriage. With a little work, you can use any tractor), 3 one gallon drums of AgroFarm Timberlac Wood Varnish, 9 wooden poles (6’’ wide and 12’ tall), 52 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 12’ long), 36 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 8’ long), 30 wooden dowels (2’’ wide and 2’ long), 30 metal clamps to fit with dowels, 36’’ of plastic strip (2’’ wide), assorted nails, 1 drill, 1 acetylene torch, 2 acetylene tanks (full), welding mask, small crane or pulley system.

First, you must build the shed. This should take no more than a day for one person to build, with the occasional help from a good friend or toadie. Once the shed is built, make sure to use the dowels and metal clamps to attach the shed to the tractor with welding joints. Attach plastic stripping to either side of the shed. Make sure to leave space in the shed walls so that you can see where you’re going. There you have it, your very own self-storing tractor!