Category Archives: Bloggers

Writing from our regular staff writers.

A Message from AgroFarm

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AgroFarm Technologies LtD. is the world’s leading agricultural technology company. For over thirty years we have been instrumental in providing many of the new advances which have led to the “Third Age of Farming.”

AgroFarm was the first company to introduce the use of gamma radiation as an alternative to poisonous DDT (dichloro-diphenyl-trichloro-ethane) insecticides. We were also the first company to recognize the fact that sharks are rarely attacked by insects and utilize this information to begin a program of splicing nurse shark DNA with apple trees. This, of course, is only the first step into the future world of animal-plant genetic engineering which will bring abundant food to the world’s growing population in the form of AgroFarm engineered Planimals™.

AgroFarm’s innovations are not found only in the realm of genetic engineering or nuclear physics. AgroFarm utilizes all advanced technologies; such as our experiments in neuro-cybernetics which have enabled us to create the first tractors controlled by human slave brains. AgroFarm’s nanotechnology lab was also the first to develop true nano-tillers for microscopic farming (microculture).

AgroFarm is the future. Whether you’re planning orbiting hydroponics greenhouse satellites, subaquatic abyssal vent farms, or simply planting some tomatoes in your garden, you can be certain that AgroFarm scientists have invented a new and expensive product to help you in your endeavor.

AgroFarm hopes you enjoy our many thousands of innovative products; from simple things for the sustenance farmer like pneumatic hoes, biodegradable roto-tillers, irradiated seeds, and Haybestos® (the world’s only fire-proof hay) to state-of-the-art systems for major agricultural combines such as sub-orbital maser-focused harvesters, bovine cloning vats, and the highly profitable series of Designer-Animals® made from chicken, pig, cow or marmoset genomes.

Yes, without a doubt, AgroFarm is the future. Welcome aboard our Tractor of Progress™.

AgroFarm is a Daniel Bester Inc. Company

A Histronomy Essay

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The Story of the Modern
Steam-Powered Tractor

Dr. Scott Birdseye is Vice-Treasurer of the
Royal Tractor Repair and Maintenance Society
of Belgio-Luxemburg. He was recently awarded
the Nobel Prize in Nanolinguistics.

Among the AgroFarm™ Museum’s historic collections is Daniel Bester, Inc.’s Daniel Bester steam traction engine. At the time the steam traction engine was devised, Daniel Bester, Inc. was known as Bester Technologic & Farm Implements, Ltd.

The Daniel Bester Steam Traction Co. was the first subsidiary of the company (later to become AgroFarm™ in 1967), which was spun off in 1962 to latch onto what company insiders believed was a resurgent technology, steam power.

The steam traction engine was originally used by the Kalisotta Mining Consortium to haul protesters from the nascent eco-terrorist movement off the premises of KMC mines and logging interests. KMC, now a Daniel Bester, Inc. subsidiary, placed an initial order for 20 of the machines.

The steam traction engine boasted impressive specifications for such a device. Rated at 110 horsepower, the machine masses 19 tons, stands 18’8” inches tall, has side-by-side operations stations and nodes for 16 different attachments.

Unfortunately, the erroneous assumption that steam power was on its way back sidelined the project, subsequently forcing other steam power contracts to be cancelled. In addition to the approximately 2000 orders placed for the steam traction engine (no doubt pushed by Bester Technologic & Farm Implements, Ltd. lobbyists and salesmen), plans were going forward with the U.S. Navy for a prototype CVE (escort carrier) model and steam bullet trains for the Elizabethia metroplex. Talks with NASA for contracts in steam powered space exploration were also cancelled.

The last surviving model of the “Best” was given to the historic collections in 1983, and restored by renowned farm implement specialist Moriarty Jones. Today, the Daniel Bester, Inc. steam traction engine is housed at the Daniel Bester, Inc. Historic Collections Farm Mockup in Katharinetowne, West Dakota.

A dedicated group of historic collections recruits and Daniel Bester, Inc. Community Service Crews maintain and operate the Daniel Bester, Inc. steam traction engine. The public is invited to see this magnificent machine in operation on several days during the year.

The steam tractor is scheduled to be fired up on alternate Wednesdays in June, every other Thursday in July and sunny days in August. The Daniel Bester, Inc. Historic Collections can be contacted by showing up in person at 34 Bester Expanse Katharinetowne, WD between the hours of 9 AM and 1PM on Fridays.

News of the World: July 2005

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Eight Persons Consumed
in Deadly Tractor Fire!

victims

Helmutsboro, WD– In what has become a startling trend across this great land, eight more lives were claimed Tuesday night by the Herkison “Semiglide Model V” Tractor-Mulcher. Although Imbecile Party Presidential Candidate and Self-Proclaimed “Product Safety Guru” Ralph Nader described the Semiglide Model V as “A fully dangerous piece of farming equipment which is unsafe at an measurable velocity,” the tractor remains popular amongst farmers due to its many spacious cup holders and its bucket seats, which can sit up to ten average sized adults.

Montsylvania College of Technology Design Arts Physics Professor Dr. Stephen Hocking claimed that Mr. Nader’s comments are unfounded as there is no way to measure both the velocity and position of the tractor simultaneously. “In fact,” added Hocking “the very act of measuring the tractor changes the very nature of the tractor, so there is no way to accurately measure it. Therefore, how does one ever determine a safe ‘measurable velocity’ of the Semiglide, or of any tractor or riding mulcher for that matter?”

Though Hocking’s defense of the tractor is scientifically accurate, this is of little consolation to the families of the Semiglide’s latest victims, the eight souls claimed Tuesday night when a Semiglide Model V belonging to Helmutsboro agriculturalist Tommy Thalmudge spontaneously burst into flames. Even though the victims attempted to escape, witnesses described that they died horrible, agonizing deaths in the flaming tractorous hell pit. The tendency of the Semiglide Model V to burst into flames without warning is attributed to the location of the main hydrogen bladder, which is directly adjacent to the tractor’s spark plug ignition mechanism. When the tractor’s engine is engaged, it is possible for rouge sparks from the ignition to contact the hydrogen bladder and cause spontaneous combustion, resulting in a massive fire which immediately consumes the tractor and all its unfortunate occupants.

In our exclusive interview, Mr. Nader questioned the very reasoning behind putting a hydrogen bladder on a tractor at all. “Why” he asks “Did the designers put a hydrogen bladder on a tractor? There is no reason to have it there at all, it doesn’t facilitate farming or tilling at all, in fact, the cumbersome bladder seems to get in the way of tilling actually. And, since hydrogen is highly flammable, it seems strange that the designers would include an unnecessary hazard that actually limited the capabilities of the machine. This is evidence of a very poor design.”

A spokesman for the Herkson Traction Company stated that while the company felt the pain of the victims’ families, the operating guide distributed with every tractor clearly states that there is a danger of combustion if the tractor is ever used for any reason. “These deaths are unfortunate” stated Herkson spokesman Tad Mailing “but to hold the company legally responsible for these deaths is absurd. The customers knew what they were doing, the danger is clearly stated in the owner’s manual, furthermore, not adhering to the manual not only voids the warranty, but also prohibits any legal action against the company.”

No matter who happens to be correct, it is a very sad day for Helmutsboro, and for all farmers and tractor fanciers everywhere.

A Specialized Poeticism

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By Resident Fellow-Bout H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson is the inventor of the
Radio-toaster; a device which can toast
bread at a distance of 5.6 billion light
years. He enjoys nuclear-bingo and
poodle collecting.

An Ode to the Space-Men

From the stars you come in mighty craft
With ray-guns fore and rockets aft
Small green men in silver suits
With bright blue stars across your boots

To the Earth you come from outer space
Bringing knowledge to our inferior race
Your flying saucers descend like a vulture
Upon the sights of our agriculture

Though tractors you do not possess
Your work a tractor does suggest
For when in the morn we look up on the field
Our wheat shafts to your beams did yield

Designs you make into our crops
Circles in barley and squares in hops
Do you bring messages of peace
Or recipes for roasting geese?

Methinks there is another factor
You are just jealous of our tractors.

A Special News Sectionomial

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BILLIONAIRE BUILDS BIG BOHEMOTH!

Reclusive billionaire Daniel Bester unveils the “Pine Swine” the worlds
largest wooden tractor at its construction site.

Himmitsboro, PD– After years of speculation and millions of euros in government funds, Daniel Bester Inc. finally debuted The Pine Swine, a tractor of Biblical proportions, which, we are told, was hand designed by Mr. Daniel Bester himself using only a ruler and a #2 (HB) pencil.

At twenty stories high and three hundred feet long, the Pine Swine, the world’s largest land tractor, is by far the world’s largest land tractor.

While many in the construction and tractoronomy industries are doubtful about the usefulness of a tractor that requires a crew of seven hundred and eighty six stout men to operate, Daniel Bester Inc. spokesman Flip Sweetly stated that “this project represents the greatest human agricultural achievement since the invention of the bean. Without a doubt, it makes all other tractors appear small by comparison.”

Sources close to Elizibethian Senator Judita Yammersling, Chair of the Senate’s Farm Equipment Committee, claim that the Senate approved funding for the Pine Swine Project due to recent reports of a “Tractor-Gap.” Only last year Soviet scientists unveiled “Kryntchnyrna” a tractor of near-epic proportions which was, at the time, the largest tractor in the world, surpassing the largest Western tractor by three eighths of a furlong.

While many are critical of the idea of unchecked global proliferation of the so-called “Super-Tractors,” most are simply awed by the shear plowing capability of this newest modern marvel of man-made machinery. The Pine Swine can plow 1 million deci-acres of farmland, or roughly an area the size of the State of Montsylvania, in only 2 days.

Although The Pine Swine is not the first nuclear powered tractor, it is the first to use a cold-fusion reactor, rather than an older styled fissionable mass reactor.

Either way, the Pine Swine will no doubt be remembered as
being one of the largest wooden tractors of all time.