Axes & Alleys : Riding the Tricycle of Freedom All the Way Home!
Dear Readers,
This issue of your beloved Axes & Alleys is lovingly dedicated to the Children of the Eighties. Truly you have made pop-culture your own. Yours is Star Wars, yours is Charles in Charge , yours is The Smurfs , Punky Brewster , Saved by the Bell and everything in between. Our blessings unto you, oh noble ones.
Dr. Mary Tarzan is Governor of the State of Ponderada, and holds a PhD in Astronomical Physics. See, and you didn’t believe that hot girls could be smart. Man, you’re shallow and naïve.
Recently, there have been reports of war, or war-related happenings throughout the various locations, which, when viewed as a whole, combine to form that which we would describe or categorize by the nomenclature “the World.”
Why must one group, or two or more allied groups, take up arms against a second group, or grouping of alternately allied groups? Do their religions or ethnic makeup differ so significantly that armed conflict becomes the best of the available policy options? Perhaps the antecedent of disagreement is different attitudes held toward the nature of government, vis-à-vis city-states versus a federal system, or perhaps it is something even more fundamental, such as differing economic levels, caste, or colour of sash. One could dare say that perhaps it is as petty as resources; i.e., one group possessing a scare resource while the other group wishes to take and keep it as their own.
It saddens me to a degree which is deep to think on the subject of war and war-related occurrences. Death, wounding, maiming, incapacitation, destruction, endesolation and horrible horrors are hardly a fit subject around which one can wrap his or her well apt mind.
As for me, I shall instead choose a more enwelling mental preoccupation; one which is far more enriching than conflict, war and war-related conflicts. Indeed, I shall focus my mental thoughts on the natural beauty and wonder of the sublime tractor. Oh, shall joy unceasing be liken unto a well guarded possession for me and those like me who choose tractors as their subject for conjecture and discourse.
Behold the glories of Earth and Heavens! Behold! A tractor shines forth. Lo, for tractors may be places in that set of things which can be defined by the shared attribute that is the quality or condition of being cool.
Dave Bumpkiss is an avid tractor maintenance
specialist and author of the one hundred and
twenty-four volume Encyclopædia Tractoria.
He currently resides in his home.
Hello, tractor aficionados. This week we’re going to take a quick trouble-shooting tour of the Halbard-Fillerman GR7 Agricultural Machine. While this is a wonderfully engineered tractor, any highly tuned machine is going to experience some teething troubles when first incorporated into your own farm-equipment family. So, here we go.
? I have noticed that my GR7’s cover-case seems to always be wet, I have replaced the windshield wipers, as called for in the owner’s manual and operator’s guide, but the engine cover-case seems to be often covered in dense moisture.
First of all, check the general surroundings of your GR7. Look at the area, are there fish swimming near by? If the answer is yes, then you are probably underwater. Try the AgroFarm Traqua Mark IV, probably one of the world’s best sub-aquatic tractors. If there are no fish about, then check with your local police station or consulate to see if you live in Bangladesh. Bangladesh has rather horrid weather, especially during the monsoon season. You might try and move to a country with better weather, or if that’s not possible, try to at least move to the Northern Highlands, up in the Naga Hills, perhaps near the city of Sylhet, where the soil is wonderful for growing strawberries.
? Sometimes, I noticed that the left wheel of my GR7 can lock up slightly, making it difficult to keep the tractor in good alignment while tilling my fields. It tends to skew slightly over toward the left. What can I do to fix this.
Make sure you check the undercarriage. Are there any human or animal remains lodged in the axels or the cam-shaft? If you’re riding your tractor down busy sidewalks, you’d be surprised at how many bits of bone can get lodged in your wheels. But, relax, as the problem is easy to solve. Take your handy remains-spatula and gently scrape or prod the jammed housings until the proper alignment is restored. If the wheels are free of debris, yet your tractor still veers to the left or right, check your arms and chest. Make sure you’re feeling no tightness in your chest or difficulty breathing. Is your left arm numb, or are sharp pains shooting down the length of it? You are having a heart attack, which can often throw off your ability to steer. Make your peace with God and then collapse. Be sure to turn off the engine first, you don’t want the unmanned tractor driving into any dangerous obstacles!
? On cold mornings, my GR7’s ignition system is slow to engage. What can I do to remedy this?
First, check the headlights. Are they normal, or are they glowing ominously red? If glowing, it is possible that your tractor is possessed by a demon or other angry spirit. Does your tractor constantly spew forth hateful and disturbing anti-Semitic speeches in German? If so, then Hitler’s ghost is probably possessing your tractor. Either way, a simple exorcism should clear things right up. Halbard-Fillerman makes a great exorcism kit specifically for the GR7, you can pick it up at your dealer. Don’t worry, it’s covered in the warranty. If your tractor is not possessed, or if after exorcism the slow start up still occurs on cold mornings, you should try and get many countries to loosen up their industrial emissions laws. That should increase the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere, creating a sort of “greenhouse effect” that will blanket the Earth in a comforting warmth, eliminating cold mornings, and their negative effect on your tractor’s performance.
Reclusive billionaire Daniel Bester unveils the “Pine Swine” the worlds
largest wooden tractor at its construction site.
Himmitsboro, PD– After years of speculation and millions of euros in government funds, Daniel Bester Inc. finally debuted The Pine Swine, a tractor of Biblical proportions, which, we are told, was hand designed by Mr. Daniel Bester himself using only a ruler and a #2 (HB) pencil.
At twenty stories high and three hundred feet long, the Pine Swine, the world’s largest land tractor, is by far the world’s largest land tractor.
While many in the construction and tractoronomy industries are doubtful about the usefulness of a tractor that requires a crew of seven hundred and eighty six stout men to operate, Daniel Bester Inc. spokesman Flip Sweetly stated that “this project represents the greatest human agricultural achievement since the invention of the bean. Without a doubt, it makes all other tractors appear small by comparison.”
Sources close to Elizibethian Senator Judita Yammersling, Chair of the Senate’s Farm Equipment Committee, claim that the Senate approved funding for the Pine Swine Project due to recent reports of a “Tractor-Gap.” Only last year Soviet scientists unveiled “Kryntchnyrna” a tractor of near-epic proportions which was, at the time, the largest tractor in the world, surpassing the largest Western tractor by three eighths of a furlong.
While many are critical of the idea of unchecked global proliferation of the so-called “Super-Tractors,” most are simply awed by the shear plowing capability of this newest modern marvel of man-made machinery. The Pine Swine can plow 1 million deci-acres of farmland, or roughly an area the size of the State of Montsylvania, in only 2 days.
Although The Pine Swine is not the first nuclear powered tractor, it is the first to use a cold-fusion reactor, rather than an older styled fissionable mass reactor.
Either way, the Pine Swine will no doubt be remembered as
being one of the largest wooden tractors of all time.
By Rev. Jeremy Rosen
Rev. Jeremy Rosen is the Clem Pickford Scholar
in Residence for Tractor and Farm Implement History
at Montsylvania College for Agriculture Technical
Design Arts’ Astronomy Department. In his spare
time he enjoys bocce ball, studying ancient
soothsaying entrails sites to see if they were right
and balcony construction.
The first tractor was the mule or ox, whence the modern terms for an engine’s power, oxpower or the less popular horsepower. These early meat tractors replaced human power in agriculture. Mechanical creations built around fantastic dynamos eventually replaced the meat tractor as the ideal farming tool late in the 19th Century. The development of such mechanical creatures is the story of humanity and civilization.
Until around 1920, meat tractors were seen commonly in the company of steam or dynamo-powered tractoring contraptions. Steam engines were mounted on carriages and became self-propelled, prompting manufacturers of gasoline and dynamo powered tractors to do the same. With one brief resurgence in the 1960s, steam power has all but been replaced by internal combustion in the last century.
In 1891, contrary to establishment claims of a latter date, Edwin Pomeroy constructed the first tractor which could go backward. Subsequently, he built a tractor with left turn capability and a cup holder (the first recorded use of such a device). His Replacement Meat Tractor Service was later purchased by what we now know as AgroFarm™.
The Pomeroy and other such early marvels caused many farm accidents, even though they lacked speed and oxpower until the engines were improved. Many migrant farm workers were so entranced by these mechanical beasts that they stood stock still as the machines bore down upon them. As a proper break had not been invented yet, the drivers were unable to stop.
During World War I tractors became the initial basis for modern tank weaponry. The first true tank, the Abelson Mechanotillery Mk. V was built upon a Pomeroy frame. The Great War saw a lack of farm labour and increased demand for all agricultural products, due to the requisitions of the U.S. armed forces. The Age of the Tractor began.
In 1917, Luscious Delacroix, of the Delacroix Motorworks stepped in to meet the demand. Delacroix used the increased efficiency offered by Henry Ford’s assembly line system to manufacture Delax tractors cheaply, with the initial cost being $200 dollars or less. Delacroix, incidentally, also invented the idea of annual percentage rate financing (or APR) used by the modern automobile industry. The oft forgotten servitude clause of his tractor loans has been discarded by an increasingly liberal and skittish public.
The Delax was so named because Henry Ford had several high-placed spies in the Delacroix Motorworks who informed him of Delacroix’s intention to manufacture and sell tractors. So Ford hired a young man also named Delacroix and began manufacturing his tractors under that name. Only a few bogus Delacroix’s were ever built, however, because Ford soon pushed Delacroix out of business and renamed his company the Ford Motor Company.
In 1932, nearly three times the number of tractors produced in 1929 were used on farms across the U.S. Maizebelt. The Zelbit DRX-274/B.25 DD was introduced that year, bringing tractoring to new heights of glory. It introduced several features that were to become a trend on the tractor market.
The Zelbit DRX-274/B.25 had five wheels instead of four, included a spare wheel kit for long distance tractoring and was the first multi-purpose tractor. It’s distance tractoring capabilities allowed it to function in the field and on the road and the extra wheel allowed greater buoyancy for pleasure boating in nearby lakes.
This was wholly due to the Ford company’s introduction of rubber tires, which gave a smoother ride and more speed. Racing engine enthusiast Thomas “Sonny” Bonaventure took a Zelbit DRX-276/B.26 out during this great age and drove the rubber-tired tractor to an astounding 55MPH, thus setting the eventual speed limit on most national highways. Sonny even got a moving violation ticket on this adventure!
The 1940s saw the emergence of a new ethos in tractor design, luxury! Tractors took on streamlined appearances, sporting huge headlights for night driving, propellers for pleasure boating and cushioned seating for four. One idea was most prescient.
The Kalisotta-Bestoria Company, in 1938, thought to itself that a design should be implemented where not only could a farmer plow his fields, but take the family to the show, into town for an Italian dinner, or to even greater heights of tractordom. The result was the ComfyTract, complete with flashy hood ornament, headlights, an optional closed cab, dining compartment, compass and, with optional HEMI, a top speed of 47MPH.
New York ad firms maintained a nice run of publicity with the ComfyTract. Pictures of socialite couples in formalwear dismounting their ComfyTract in front of New York landmarks were not uncommon. Farmers didn’t buy it, however and thus the ComfyTract didn’t sell.
Though the initial tractor/tank hybrids were not entirely successful, the tractor manufacturers spent many years under contract to the U.S. armed forces of light and good. After the War for Ultimate Freedom, tractors were further upgraded again and again, some featuring fantastic new options, increased performance and usefulness. One tractor was even built on the chassis of an automobile!
AgroFarm™ was the first company to introduce electric dash lights and key-fired ignitions, forcing other companies to do the same to compete and making the upgrades come into general use. Ailerons and five point power traction (most notably on the Bester Technologic & Farm Implements, Ltd. SuperFarm Cab Tract around 1959) improved the versatility and performance of tractors everywhere. The introduction of transmissions using more than one gear, shift-on-the-go, nuclear power steering, and reclining seats relieved John Q. Farmer of the awkwardness, anxiety and discomfort of farming. Turbo-charged diesel engines began to replace their gas-powered predecessors, raising maximum oxpower to 150 and making the tractor race a popular national pastime.
The modern agriculture enabling nucleo-mechanical furrowing device, like the 1979 AgroFarm™ Technotract would be unrecognizable to Delacroix, the farmhand who died at such a machine’s hands or the farm owner who bought his Delax in the earlier part of last century.
In the unsurpassable comfort of an air-conditioned cab, listening to his stereo eight track, with optional cup holder and nuclear powered steering, the modern farmer might be found in his field opening 4 furrows at a time at speeds of nearly 6MPH. On the other hand, he might have to pay $575,000 for that comfort and ease-of-work. Humanity has come a long way from the days of the meat tractor and the future looks bright for all things tractorial!