Axes & Alleys: Boyscouts of Uganda Unite!
Volume 456-BR7: Issue 16: Fabuly 2006
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Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen
Fabuly 2006 Premier
Here we are on April 2nd, Daylight Savings Day. We at Axes & Alleys hope you will do your part in fighting the Great War by saving your lamp oil for those brave Doughboys fighting the good fight in Europe.
The best way to help the Expeditionary Force is by downloading and enjoying our Fabuly 2006 edition of Axes & Alleys.
Semper fi!
21 Ways to Bore Yourself
by Rani Stupunagerkee
Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
- Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
- Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
- Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
- Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
- Learn about Buddhism.
- Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).
Scooter Memories VI
The Thrilling Conclusion
by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen
There were four white walls to the room, each roughly ten feet by ten feet. Absentmindedly, Scooter attempted to figure out the room’s volume. Then, he remembered that Javier, like all mysterious characters returned from one’s childhood, had given him an assignment.
On the table were four items: a box of matches, a candle, some thumbtacks and a pencil. Before he left the room, Javier had given him instructions.
“Affix the candle to the wall with what I have given you,” Javier had stated “and then I will tell you why the lemons are purple. I know you want to know.”
Sitting on the rumpled bed, Scooter tried to focus his thoughts on the problem at hand. He had to affix a candle to the wall using only a box of matches, some thumbtacks and a pencil. That problem seemed inconsequential. What did seem important was the Register Girl at the K.K.K.
Something about her intrigued Scooter in a way that purple lemons, buttons and even the secret of life itself could not. With a flip of the switch, he turned on the Dictaphone and began to speak:
“I’ll never understand that which I need to understand. I’ll only ever understand that which I am meant to understand.”
For a moment he scratched a private area and began again.
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Philosophy
Selections From the Philosophical Works of Theodore Hesperus, Gentleman
From This Electric World (1987)
Everyone should spend one day a year being contrary; simply disagreeing with every statement heard, every proposition put forth, every idea posited. Without disagreement there is no dialogue, without dialogue there is no education. It would also be fun if everyone was armed to the teeth on that day.
The crossword puzzle is perhaps the most pointless human endeavor. It is a waste of time unparalleled. The second biggest waste of time is sleeping.
Impotence is troubling, except when you’re talking about poison. No one wants to swallow poison and then be told that it is a highly potent poison.
The sheer number of all potato chips on Earth far exceeds the number of actual potatoes. That’s an interesting fact that often passes the thinking person by.
Scientists tell us that monkeys do not possess the powers of speech, nor of hypnosis. Unless the monkeys have just hypnotized us into thinking that they can’t talk. Conjecture is frightening.
There are true answers and false answers, but perhaps there could be a third. Maybe we could call it “maybe.”
What is hate? Perhaps hate is the absence of love or perhaps hate has a more intrisic existence. All I know is that I hate tuna fish sandwhiches.
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