Best Gift Ideas for the Holidays

Rats the size of mongooses
Mayonnaise jar full of dimes
Chocolate pony
Coupon for one free night of grave robbing
Unicycle cover (genuine leather)
Empty promises
Reference library
Bag of rice
Helmet polish
Handful of loose board game pieces
Your terrible poetry
Mizzen mast
Sack o’ frogs
Extra helping of barley
Answers to upcoming algebra test
Homemade map of living room
Hot onion cider
Photograph of lion
Collected doorknobs (various)
Medical degree
Watch winding instructions
Your thoughts on slide-rules

News of the World: Online Exclusive

Moses Rides Again!

New Sixth Book of the Torah Found in Dead Sea!


Jewish and Christian scholars are in a tizzy now that archeologists have discovered the lost sixth book of the Torah, the final writings of the great Hebrew leader Moses. Known as Indexicus, the book was discovered in a newly found cave near the Dead Sea in Israel. It was found in a well-preserved pitcher.

Indexicus was translated by a team of scholars at the University of Tel Aviv, who announced their findings earlier this week. It is an amazing find, as no new books of the Torah have ever been found. For thousands of years, it has been assumed that the Torah was complete, but this new book sheds an amazing light on G-d’s impartation of the Law.
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A few of you have noticed our new reviews section. Axes & Alleys will add future and past reviews to this section as we see fit. When you run across one, in print or online, feel free to email us about it. We offer some vast rewards.

Recently Focus on the Family’s media review magazine for parents, Plugged In, reviewed Axes & Alleys. They don’t normally review print media as their focus is film, television and music, but they seem to have made an exception in our case.

We don’t think they like us. That’s okay, because the staff here was brought up mostly in the generation where self-esteem was important over everything else. So, while we can’t fight you in a dark alley or hit a baseball very well, we still feel good about it.

A Word on the Subject of Marriage

by Scott Birdseye


There has been a great deal of controversy recently concerning the institution of marriage. While some believe that homosexuals should be allowed to legally marry, others believe that marriage was created specifically for a man and a woman. Call me anti-PC, but I tend to fall into the latter category.

I do believe that marriage is sacred. There is something absolutely sacred about a man and woman joining together in holy matrimony. The union of two souls, as endorsed by God, is the foundation of family, community and nation.

For instance, I would like to get married one day. I would especially like to get married to Maura Tierney. For many reasons, I have fallen in love with her. When I finally got around to breaking up with my last girlfriend (you know all about my ill-fated romance with that irrepressible Fiona Apple, so I won’t bother going into it now) I couldn’t help but want to rekindle my infatuation with Maura Tierney.

Quite frankly I loved her as the wonderfully down-to-earth Lisa Miller on the situational comedy News Radio, and I swooned over her performance as Abby Lockhart in the critically acclaimed medical drama E.R. There is something indescribably amazing about Miss Maura Tierney. I love her, yes, I love her.

And that is why marriage is sacred. If the homosexuals are allowed to marry under law, then that means that my future marriage to the beautiful and effulgent Maura Tierney would be that less holy, that less amazing and that less sacred.

Believe what you will about marriage or homosexuality, but please do not take the joys of a sacred marriage away from me and Maura Tierney. Please, do not steal our happiness. Me and Maura Tierney deserve a happy future.