Scooter Memories Part III

by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen
jeremy rosen
Jeremy-Joseph Rosen is an author, ingenue,
rabble-rouser and roust-a-bout.

Scooter was asleep on a train. He was in that half somnambulant state, the one caused by any type of close-quarter travel. The largest portion of the previous evening had been spent nursing one beer bottle, one cigarette after another and attempting to trace chains of facts through his mind. This was not an exercise he participated in often, but thinking of the East somehow brought this conscious-subconscious game out into the open.
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How To Decorate for Mice

While it is often easy for anthropomorphic mice to find a dwelling within the walls of a human house, there can be difficulty for these creatures in obtaining furnishings for their new home. Surprisingly, human artifacts of appropriate size make the best furnishings.

Need somewhere to rest after a long day of cheese-gathering activities? A lovely and comfortable bed can be easily made from a sardine or anchovy tin. Make sure the key and lid are still attached though, so you can simply roll the cover back over yourself when you retire. This should basically approximate a bed with covers. You may also wish to have a dresser or chest of draws in the bedroom area. Empty match boxes, when stacked, make an excellent dresser for all your storage needs.

The living room area can also be easily decorated in this fashion. Spools of thread make absolutely wonderful chairs. Postage stamps are a great substitute for hung pictures on the wall. They’re just the right size for mice.

As for the kitchen, don’t worry as you shan’t need a kitchen. The human kitchen will provide you with all the cheese you need. Although beware that there is probably also an anthropomorphic cat guarding the humans’ abode. Don’t worry though, such cats are easily outsmarted in many comical ways, assuring you a plentiful supply of cheese.

Good luck with your new home, little mice.

How To Write a 90s Alternative Song

K. Rodney Tripps

K. Rodney Tripps is one of the world’s foremost songwriters and musicians,
having appeared with the John Cullen Band, Dendrite, John Kuiper and the Objects
and recording artist Drip, among others. Roddy, as he’s known to friends, is based
in Odenkirk, EL and wrote many of the last decade’s pop sensations, including
Kronos Lives, Automobile, The Sock Song, and Pylons.

The key to any well-crafted music hit is a title derived from the lyrics in the chorus, so we’ll start there. Your title should be ambiguous and should be no longer than two words. It’s best to use one noun. So, you’ve thought of one noun? Good. I’m working with “shellfish.”

Song Title: Shellfish

Okay, we’re on the right track! Now, the verses need have no relation to the chorus, so we can forget our song title and create them. The first verse should express disdain, be ironic and somewhat sexual. Try something like this.

Leave me, I’m your chain
But you love me, I’m your stain
Betting, on a frog
But you can’t win, you have bad luck

Now, for fun, you can make up a second verse to follow the first chorus that bears no relation to the first verse, even its style. Make sure you keep talking to “someone,” though, as this is very important to the genre. Something like this:

I tried to mow the long grass
But you work hard at a mega-Mall-Mart
But you work at a mega-Mall-Mart
Passing flyers at a door automatic
Welcome here
Welcome here
Welcome here

Great, we’ve got the second verse all worked out. See how cleverly we denigrated that someone in the third line? Superb. Now we can make another verse like the first. Remember, ironic and sexual.

Forward, in reverse
Tacit, turn loudly
Clean lymph, open sores
But I love you, putrid bitch

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