A Word on the Subject of Marriage

by Scott Birdseye


There has been a great deal of controversy recently concerning the institution of marriage. While some believe that homosexuals should be allowed to legally marry, others believe that marriage was created specifically for a man and a woman. Call me anti-PC, but I tend to fall into the latter category.

I do believe that marriage is sacred. There is something absolutely sacred about a man and woman joining together in holy matrimony. The union of two souls, as endorsed by God, is the foundation of family, community and nation.

For instance, I would like to get married one day. I would especially like to get married to Maura Tierney. For many reasons, I have fallen in love with her. When I finally got around to breaking up with my last girlfriend (you know all about my ill-fated romance with that irrepressible Fiona Apple, so I won’t bother going into it now) I couldn’t help but want to rekindle my infatuation with Maura Tierney.

Quite frankly I loved her as the wonderfully down-to-earth Lisa Miller on the situational comedy News Radio, and I swooned over her performance as Abby Lockhart in the critically acclaimed medical drama E.R. There is something indescribably amazing about Miss Maura Tierney. I love her, yes, I love her.

And that is why marriage is sacred. If the homosexuals are allowed to marry under law, then that means that my future marriage to the beautiful and effulgent Maura Tierney would be that less holy, that less amazing and that less sacred.

Believe what you will about marriage or homosexuality, but please do not take the joys of a sacred marriage away from me and Maura Tierney. Please, do not steal our happiness. Me and Maura Tierney deserve a happy future.