New in Print
Axes & Alleys

Movable Type Printing
A Daniel Bester Inc. Copmany
Scott Birdseye
Jeremy Rosen
Montezuma as Himself; H.G. Peterson as Himself; Dave as Various; Delores R. Grunion as Herself; Lemuel LeBratt as Not Appearing in This Magazine; Scott Birdseye as Other; Jeremy Rosen as Other; President Armstrong as Himself; Brody Dalle as Brody Armstrong
Tom Neven

Axes & Alleys

Claiming to be an on-going 100 year old tractor magazine, Axes & Alleys is in reality the creation of two friends from Queens, New York. The magazine is filled with all manner of strange articles; sometimes funny and informative but often merely surreal and bizarre. Articles and pieces include a number of advertising parodies, silly poetry created under the nom-de-plume H.G. Peterson, historical essays, erroneous science reports, classified advertisements and an advice column supposedly written by Aztec Emperor Montezuma II.

Some articles actually give factual information, often written in an encyclopedic fashion. A list of reasons is given to explain why Nazi dictator Adolph Hitler is bad. One letter denounces evolution as being a lie.

This magazine contains far too many blasphemous references to Christianity to name here. Some of the worst are even too horrible to mention here. In a poem H.G. Peterson writes about wanting to sodomize the pope. An article, by self-proclaimed "Messiah" Jeremy Rosen, makes a mockery of evangelizing and spreading the Gospel of Christ. It is mentioned that robots do not possess souls. In a cartoon, an alien creature denounces all human religions as being hypocritical and harmful. The origins of several made-up religions, including The Arcane and Chanjrina, make obvious mocking references to Christianity. Rabbinical studies and Judaism are mocked by an article discussing Jews and space travel. Islam and other religions are also the targets for cheap jokes. An entire multiple-page article is written about Satan.

Perverse sex abounds in the pages of Axes & Alleys. Several nude women are fully shown. One article even goes so far as to present a laundry list of young celebrities the authors desire to have sexual relations with. There are references to sodomy, and lurid photographs of many barely clothed women. All manner of sexual deviancy is illustrated and encouraged; oral sex, premarital sex, and even homosexuality and pedophilia. One condom ad parody actually goes so far as to encourage date rape.

There are not many graphically violent images or photographs within Axes & Alleys, but there are some references to actions or events which children and teenagers may find troubling. H.G. Peterson poems describe monkeys gruesomely killing a man with hammers and also writes an awful poem which makes fun of amputees. Montezuma dispenses "advice" for parents who wish to torture their children. Multiple wars, battles and military actions are described, many involving attempts by the authors to create comedy of out death and misery. A series of cartoons depicts zombies, Vikings who joke about rape and killing, and a genetically created monster killing scientists. An ad parody presents a breakfast cereal for murderers. Another ad makes light of suicide, presenting a business which offers to kill children. The creators of Axes & Alleys seem to take a particular delight in verbally describing the torture and death of innocent men, women and children.

Surprisingly, Axes & Alleys features very little swearing. There are a few uses of the F word, some in connection with "mothers." The A word and the S word pop up a few times as well. The names of God and Jesus are taken in vain several times.

A number of advertisements offer beer or other alcohol products. A science fiction serial tells of men drinking cognac. It is mentioned that Medieval peasants drank beer. A fake Kruschev quote mentions vodka. An article mentions that alcohol is to be found in bars. A presidential candidate is said to be addicted to caffeine.

Trying to name the negative elements in Axes & Alleys is like trying to name the good things about the Scriptures; there just isn't enough space here. References to evolution abound, including the claims that humans evolved from apes and that dolphins evolved from humans. A sports article mocks the handicapped and disabled, other pieces attack the autistic and even the PTA. Nazis are mentioned numerous times, one piece even goes so far as to describe Erwin Rommel's buttocks in a sexually lurid fashion. A "science" article condones the enslavement of chimpanzees for farm labor, another condones child labor. Numerous racist references are made, including notions of African and Asian racial inferiority. Racist terms are used several times. The authors' penchant for presenting false history, science, geography and news as fact may confuse some readers.

To say that Axes & Alleys in unfit for children and teens would be incorrect; Axes & Alleys is unfit for any person. Its creators, Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen, seem to feel as though nothing is sacred, hence they assault the world with their would-be "humor" by taking cheap, sophomoric shots at anyone and anything. In their minds, children, the disabled, the Church, even God and Jesus are just fodder for inane attempts at comedy. Though strangeness and surrealism allow them to hide behind a facade of intellectualism, the repugnance of their work cannot be so easily concealed.

It's quite obvious that the creators of Axes & Alleys have read a lot of things; science, history, politics and philosophy. But I doubt they've ever read Ephesians 5:4. There are many suitable magazines for children and teens, including our own Plugged In, Brio, and Breakaway. As for Birdseye and Rosen; theirs is one publication that I would gladly take an axe to any day.

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